I don’t know if it’s just me, but I feel like i have been causing a lot of stress for not only my family, but my gf. This anxiety and worries I have make me feel like I’m being monitored and taken care of, rather than us helping each other. It seems like my gf is always having to check on me or reassure me. It feels unfair
However, she says she loves me very much and she’s going through her own problems. But, I don’t want her to prioritize my issues over hers. When I brought it up to her she was very passive about it.
Basically, it feels unfair. Maybe I need to have some time to focus on my own fears and anxieties before i return back. Or should i go through with it as we learn to manage our worries together? I don’t want to break up, but it feels kind of necessary for her to be happy..
Also i’m so thankful for your site’s services. Last few months have been so rough and my therapy and the boards here help so much. You guys are awesome :,)
I don’t know what to do :,)
-
Andy
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 425
- Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2022 2:24 pm
- Age: 21
- Pronouns: She/they
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Czech Repulic
Re: I don’t know what to do :,)
Hi Brain, it’s nice to hear from you again!
First of all, I’m sorry it has been rough for you lately but glad to hear you have supportive people around you and access to therapy.
There is a lot of talk about relationships having to be equal. And in a way, they definitely have to be, but that doesn't have to mean that all people in it do the same amount of providing and receiving support/help all the time. Because that just wouldn't reflect reality, there are situation or times in our lives when we need from other people more than what we can offer but that doesn't have to be a problem. And it’s not always about prioritizing either, two issues of two different people can exist and be talked about at the same time. What’s important is that everyone has space to and feels safe expressing what’s troubling them and what they need. And from what you say it doesn't sound like that is an issue in your relationship.
Anxiety if often pretty good at convincing us we don’t deserve the help we need around or that other people might not like offering it, so I want to ask: Have you girlfriend said she doesn't feel happy or that it feels unfair to her? Because if not, she might not see it like that. After all, the only way to know what someone is thinking is hearing them express it.
It sounds like you already tried to have a conversation about this with her and like you didn't get the answers you expected from it. But if you want to try again and would like some help, we can certainly talk about how to approach that talk.
What can also help is imagining yourself in the other persons shoes, if your girlfriend was struggling with the same worries and anxiety as you are, how would you feel about supporting her?
First of all, I’m sorry it has been rough for you lately but glad to hear you have supportive people around you and access to therapy.
There is a lot of talk about relationships having to be equal. And in a way, they definitely have to be, but that doesn't have to mean that all people in it do the same amount of providing and receiving support/help all the time. Because that just wouldn't reflect reality, there are situation or times in our lives when we need from other people more than what we can offer but that doesn't have to be a problem. And it’s not always about prioritizing either, two issues of two different people can exist and be talked about at the same time. What’s important is that everyone has space to and feels safe expressing what’s troubling them and what they need. And from what you say it doesn't sound like that is an issue in your relationship.
Anxiety if often pretty good at convincing us we don’t deserve the help we need around or that other people might not like offering it, so I want to ask: Have you girlfriend said she doesn't feel happy or that it feels unfair to her? Because if not, she might not see it like that. After all, the only way to know what someone is thinking is hearing them express it.
It sounds like you already tried to have a conversation about this with her and like you didn't get the answers you expected from it. But if you want to try again and would like some help, we can certainly talk about how to approach that talk.
What can also help is imagining yourself in the other persons shoes, if your girlfriend was struggling with the same worries and anxiety as you are, how would you feel about supporting her?
-
Brian
- not a newbie
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue May 14, 2024 7:26 am
- Age: 18
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: He/Him
- Location: Los Angeles
Re: I don’t know what to do :,)
She’s told me that sometimes she feels overwhelmed by my issues, needing to take breaks. It makes me sad that I made her get to such a state. That she can’t handle me anymore.
Though, we’ve been through so much. I don’t know :,)
Of course I would help her if she was the anxious one, but with life getting hard, maybe it’d be better for her to prioritize herself. Something she can’t do unless I say i want this to be over.
But, she has been supportive and caring, as I have been to her eith her problems (that i wont say).
Though, we’ve been through so much. I don’t know :,)
Of course I would help her if she was the anxious one, but with life getting hard, maybe it’d be better for her to prioritize herself. Something she can’t do unless I say i want this to be over.
But, she has been supportive and caring, as I have been to her eith her problems (that i wont say).
-
Latha
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 681
- Joined: Sat May 22, 2021 6:13 am
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: India
Re: I don’t know what to do :,)
Hi Brian,
From time to time, people who care for us might feel overwhelmed and need to take breaks — this doesn't have to mean there is a problem with your relationship as a whole. What if we could reframe this? Proactively taking breaks may preserve your relationship, and allow your girlfriend to be there for you in the future.
By all means, if you're worried about your girlfriend, you can talk to her about your concerns. Ask her if there is something you two could do differently to help her feel less overwhelmed. And if it isn't happening already, you could also try to set aside some time in the week to show her that you appreciate her, and do activities that you both enjoy together. But don't just break up with her because you think it would be better for her. Let her tell you what she needs.
From time to time, people who care for us might feel overwhelmed and need to take breaks — this doesn't have to mean there is a problem with your relationship as a whole. What if we could reframe this? Proactively taking breaks may preserve your relationship, and allow your girlfriend to be there for you in the future.
By all means, if you're worried about your girlfriend, you can talk to her about your concerns. Ask her if there is something you two could do differently to help her feel less overwhelmed. And if it isn't happening already, you could also try to set aside some time in the week to show her that you appreciate her, and do activities that you both enjoy together. But don't just break up with her because you think it would be better for her. Let her tell you what she needs.