Difference

[BlueRed]

Hello. I was wondering if I could, ask a question in regards to my relationship. My partner and I have been together for a while now and are doing well. I’m blessed for that. Ever since we started we’ve always had a, large difference in how we express and engage in physical attraction. And I’m wondering how to, navigate that.

[Latha]

Hi BlueRed, welcome to the boards!

Yes, you can ask questions about relationships here. Would you tell us a little more about the differences that you've noticed?

[BlueRed]

I'm, trying to find the right way to describe it because it's not something I've ever felt super comfortable talking about. A lot of the time it seems to me like I'm a lot more interested in, certain things then they are. I do my very best to, ask questions and respect their boundaries. I usually initiate things, but a lot of the time it goes nowhere. I'm not upset with my partner for ever saying no of course but, I get upset at myself whenever I care too much about it.

[Latha]

Hi BlueRed,

So, you have a good relationship with your partner and you respect their boundaries, but you are uncomfortable with your own feelings, and the fact that you seem more interested in certain activities than they are. Is that right?

I'm curious about what makes you think you care too much about this. There is nothing inherently wrong with being more interested in certain activities than your partner, or with initiating more often. As you already know, it is just important to respect your partner's boundaries.

To address your question on how to navigate this, it might help to have a conversation about both of your needs/expectations/interest in regard to sex, just to make sure you're on the same page. We have a tool that can help with this: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

[BlueRed]

Yes. That, does seem to be the case. I’m not quite sure why I to be honest. I guess I wished that I just didn’t care because, then I’d never have to bother them. I, feel guilty around anything regarding the topic so that is probably a part of it too. We’ve had conversations about it and it’s, helped me understand things more. But I struggle with my side of the manner.

[HannahP]

Hi BlueRed!

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. It sounds to me like you are so focused on respecting your partner's boundaries and emotions (which is great!) that you aren't really acknowledging all of your own feelings? Sometimes we can feel like in order to respect other's boundaries, that means that we're not allowed to have our own feelings, too. Other times we might not want to acknowledge the feelings we're having because they feel uncomfortable or lead to thoughts that make us feel more unhappy.

So I understand the desire to just not have the feelings or desires that are not in line with your partner's. Having different feelings and desires can lead to conflict or disappointment or sometimes even the realization that we're not compatible. That can be very painful, even just to think about! But part of being our own, unique person is about getting comfortable with the fact that we will always have desires and feelings and preferences and needs and wants and interests that are different from those we love. Sometimes that will cause conflict and disappointment, but ignoring our differences from other people can be more harmful in the long run.

Can we talk a little more about what you want your relationship to look like? It's okay if you don't want to share details. Getting a clearer sense of what you want and how it's different than what you have could help us come up with ways for you to navigate these feelings more easily.

[BlueRed]

I have a lot of things I wish I was for the relationship. And I feel like I’m not really any of them. I feel like I always have some “need” that complicates things or just makes me feel like a bad person and I wish I didn’t feel that way. I struggle a lot with believing I deserve my partner and this is just one of the things that I think about most.

[CaitlinEve]

BlueRed,

Having a mismatch in libido/arousal, or any other factor, in a relationship can be really hard emotionally. You can't help having more of a need the same way your partner can't help having less of one (or vice versa). It's important to give yourself the grace you afford others.

What can we do to support you? Would you be interested in resources, or just a place to be able to talk through what you're thinking and dealing with?

[BlueRed]

I was just wondering if there was a way I could, accept it. My own emotions about it. I’ve never had a, healthy relationship with them. I also don’t want to overwhelm my partner or make them feel like they aren’t enough. But hating myself for it isn’t, proving to be much of an answer.

[CaitlinEve]

I wish there was a magical fix-it answer I could give you, but the truth is that it takes time and work. It might be hard, to accept your own emotions and who you are, but it's worth it. I think that even wondering about how to do it is a great step towards that acceptance.

I know previously we've talked about the importance of communication and honesty with your partner and I think that still holds true here, even if you're concerned about overwhelming your partner. Part of communication is making sure it's open on both sides and knowing that if your partner were overwhelmed or affected negatively by what you're saying they could tell you.

Have you ever thought about keeping a diary or journal where you can write out your thoughts to work through them? It may be helpful for you to physically see what's in your mind and accept it.

[BlueRed]

I definitely have a tendency to assume things, especially negative ones. So I can try to work on that. I realize that I did make it sound like I’m looking for an immediate answer. I promise I’m not I realize it’ll take proper effort but. I think I’m looking for a place to start. I really love my partner and I, want to do my best for them. I’d like to stop telling myself I’ll hurt them. I, always get nervous writing things down but I can try it. Maybe it’ll help clear my mind.

[HannahP]

Hi BlueRed,

I'm sorry that you're still having a hard time with this! I thought that maybe I could offer you a couple of articles that I think are related to your problem — maybe reading them could help prompt your writing and help you figure out how you're feeling and what the best path forward is. And if you want to talk about anything they bring up here, we'd be happy to help!

First, an advice column about a sexually incompatible relationship: This is what sexual incompatibility looks like. The exact details might not apply to your situation, but you can take what applies and leave the rest.

An article about having conversations about sex with your partner: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. This is about sexual communication in general, not specifically about libido differences, but I think the tips on how to have a productive conversation about sex could be really helpful for you.

Finally, an article about deciding whether or not your relationship is right for you: Should I Stay or Should I Go? I don't know whether your relationship is right for you, but maybe reading through this will help you decide either that your relationship is really good and this is a minor and solvable difference or that this difference is a big deal and it's okay if you split up over it.

I hope you find these articles helpful! Again, if you read anything you'd like to talk more about, we're always here.