Was I sexually assaulted or am I just overreacting?

[Annatea]

So when I was 7 the son of my dads friend began to touch me at first I didn’t understand but I remember I did knew it was wrong but I still don’t know why I went along with it I never said no or stop sometimes I question myself did I wanted it so it’s my fault? It went on for a year It stopped after a he was on me and forcing me and I was fighting him and ran away since then I never saw him again. then years later I started getting back memories from that time like 5 years ago and since then I feel awful I don’t like to be touched I feel disgusted when I see my body and can’t even see pictures of myself when I was young cz feel really bad for 7yr old me. Then me and my dad went out and after 9 years I saw him again and he gave me a really weird look he was smiling like he was thinking I know what i did to u and I felt so dirty. I never told anyone bc they would never believe me and if they did they would just tell me to forget abt it and not ruin his life. I still feel like it was my own fault tho.
(sorry if it’s a messy text)

[Latha]

Hi Annatea, welcome to the boards! Don't worry about your writing, I can understand you just fine.

It looks like you've been struggling with this on your own for a long time. I wish you had more support through all this, but I'm glad you feel like you can talk about it here. Here is my honest opinion: none of what happened was your fault.

It seems like you're worried that you went along with it, and that means you consented to what was happening or that you wanted it. I don't think that is the case at all. Consent is only meaningful under certain conditions: it has to be enthusiastic, informed, and unforced. This doesn't describe what happened to you. You were just seven years old, and you didn't understand what was happening. Not saying 'no' or 'stop' is far from being an enthusiastic participant. And there was clearly an element of force, since you had to run away to get it to stop. There is nothing disgusting or dirty about you or your body, but there is something wrong with what happened to you. You are not overreacting, this was assault.

I'm so sorry you feel like you can't confide in the adults around you. They should have protected you then, and they should have been there for you through all these years. By not doing so, they have failed you.

How do you feel after reading this so far?

[Annatea]

I feel like there’s a knife through my chest, but at the same time, I also feel some relief because I know it wasn’t my fault. I wish I had said no sooner and that it didn’t take me a year to do so. I wish someone had been there for me, that I didn’t have to go through all of this alone, especially at such a young age. But I’m holding on to the hope that I’ll get better.

I also have a question about my mom. She keeps hugging me and kissing me, and while I understand that I’m her daughter, it makes me really uncomfortable. I’ve tried pushing her away and telling her no, but she gets upset and says I’m not supposed to say no to her because she’s my mother. This really bothers me, especially because I want to go slow with physical touch. I want to be able to accept hugs without feeling anxious or like I can’t breathe.

How can I tell her to stop without her ignoring my boundaries? I don’t want to talk about the sexual assault with her because I’m afraid she won’t understand, but I really need her to respect my feelings.

Thank you for reading this and responding

[CaitlinEve]

You were put in a position where you didn't feel like you could say no. There's no shame in not having said it before; having said it at all is incredibly brave and I'm proud of you for doing it.

Along those lines, your body is your own. If you're uncomfortable with someone touching you, it doesn't matter who they are (even if they're your mother). It doesn't mean it's anyone's fault in that equation either; even if your mother herself doesn't make you uncomfortable, it makes sense that you may have issues with physical contact. It doesn't make you weak or broken, it just means that you need some extra care when it comes to your boundaries.

I know you don't want to talk about the sexual assault and I respect that; what about if you frame it as a different issue? For example, you could tell her that you have anxiety about germs or that physical touch can be overwhelming, so you need to work up to it? Do you think she'd respect that?

[Annatea]

Hi,

I tried talking to her again, but she just got mad at me and kept reminding me that she’s my mother. She shut down completely and wouldn’t speak to me for hours, but then acts like nothing happened. She’s about to leave for a three-week vacation, and I feel kind of guilty for feeling relieved. I’ve realized that I get frustrated with her even when she’s not doing anything, and I don’t know why I feel that way, but it’s hard to ignore. I really want to build a better relationship with her, but it always seems to end in conflict. We can’t even go out together without getting into a fight. She often chooses other people over me, and when I asked her why she would ever choose anyone else over me—her daughter—she just gets mad again. I know deep down she’s a good person, but when it comes to our relationship, it’s hard to feel that way. She has moments where she’s really sweet, but overall, I just don’t feel good about how things are between us.

[HannahP]

Hi Annatea,

I'm sorry to hear about your conflict with your mom. It makes sense to me that you're feeling relieved about having a break from the conflict, while also feeling conflicted because you wish you felt closer to her. I think that's a common way to feel when you're struggling with a relationship with someone you're close to — and also common for your resentment about the bigger issues to result in feeling frustrated and irritated by little things that don't feel like they should be a big deal or just when that person is around!

It's unfortunately also very common for people to react badly when we try to set boundaries with them. I think that often what's going on is that they feel embarrassed and defensive to realize that they've been doing something wrong and that can make someone act angry towards you. But I agree with what Caitlin said: it's not wrong for you to not want to be hugged and kissed, even by your mom, for any reason. It's tough to stick to your boundaries when someone is trying to push against them, but you're doing a great job at taking care of yourself by continuing to tell her that you want her to stop. When I am trying to hold a boundary with someone, something I try to do is come up with a short response to practice and then I try to say that same thing every time the issue comes up. So in your case, something like "Mom, please stop hugging me, it makes me feel really overwhelmed" (or something similar) could be good to practice. How does that sound?

It's hard to be trying to build a positive relationship with someone when you're experiencing conflict like that and they're not listening to what you need from them. Is there any aspect of your relationship or thing that you do together that usually feels good?