i can't shake the fear

[itsxafx]

so, this week is 40 weeks since i was last at any level of risk.
- the risk was me and my boyfriend humping (both naked, direct contact no condom, possible precum but he had been to pee before. the contact was kept to around my clit.)
- i am on the injection, and have been since early january.
- no symptoms at all. nothing.
- i tested 21 days after in the evening with two tests, negative. i tested again two days later in the morning, negative.
- about a month ago i had a UTI and asked for a pregnancy test to be done with the sample, negative.
- stomach soft, nipples still pale and no pain/discharge, walking normally etc. discharge is freaking me out, but it's not a huge amount. it's very thin and watery.
- this paranoia has only come back in the past month or so. i cannot shake it because of people going on about precum and cryptic pregnancies. i am fully convinced it'll happen to me and i can't do anything about it now.
realistically, what are the chances i'd be pregnant?

[HannahP]

Hi Itsxafx! Welcome to our boards!

Based on what you've described here, there is no chance that you are pregnant. The sexual activity you describe has a low risk of pregnancy, which drops to essentially zero with your birth control. Regardless of whether there was even a tiny risk or not there, you can absolutely trust the pregnancy tests that you've taken to be accurate.

So let's talk about the paranoia that you're feeling now. We have a great article called You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You Think You Are? which covers pregnancy anxiety and some reasons why you might be especially worried about it. How about you read this article and let me know if any of the reasons listed sound like they might apply to you? Then we can talk through it together. How does that sound?

[itsxafx]

thank you for your reply!
i've read the article linked and i believe the reasoning behind it is to do with:
- general sex education. even in the UK, they don't cover much aside from "here's how PiV works, don't get an STI!" which left me to teach myself. leading to paranoia about things that happened to "that person that one time" and a seemingly overestimated ability of sperm, especially in precum. people online recently referring to sperm as a bullet isn't helping either.
- anxiety sounds likely. i was on anxiety medication previously, but had to choose between medicating that and medicating ADHD.
- no, we absolutely were not ready. we went into that night expecting the other wanted to have sex. he couldn't stay hard, my own body was not co operating (he said it felt like trying to penetrate a wall) and it was overall very awkward. we talked the following morning and realised the other felt under pressure. this has since been resolved, and we're getting better at non-verbal consent, verbal is already down.

[KierC]

Hey there itsxafx,

Oof, I can certainly understand how seeing sperm be referred to as a “bullet” does NOT help things. From doing this kind of work, we know how important language (including metaphor!) is for not only our understanding of concepts, but also our affective relationship with that concept. That’s why we often stray from talking about sperm as a “germ,” you know? Sperm is a cell: it can’t fly through the air to get you sick, and you know it certainly can’t fly through the air to hurt you! I would stray from spaces that talk about human reproduction like this; limiting the amount of negative messages you get about sex can help, even if to give you less triggers.

I hear you that you had to make a choice between medicating your anxiety and medicating your ADHD. Do you have a psychiatrist or doctor who prescribed you the ADHD meds you can speak to about your anxiety cropping up in this way? Often, we find that deeper anxiety can latch onto material things like sex and pregnancy — in these cases, it’s necessary to treat the anxiety at the source with things like mental healthcare and self-care.

Lastly, I want to reassure you that everyone’s first time isn’t perfect. It’s built up so much to be this Hugely Romantic Perfectly Flowing Event, and that can set us up with some seriously unrealistic expectations about what sex is like. In reality, any time we interact with other people, sex or not, things can get clunky, bodies can react in ways we don’t expect, and expectations don’t always meet reality. The good thing I’m hearing here is that you and your partner spoke about sex openly after, and talked about consent! You know, our bodies are going to do things during sex that we aren’t expecting or don’t want in the moment, and that’s okay; but the important thing you can do is learn and enact strategies to communicate and have pleasurable interactions in the future, and it sounds like you’re doing that. Other things that might make sex more pleasurable in the future include foreplay (making sure you’re relaxed, aroused, and lubricated can help with that “hitting a wall” sensation), and communicating before sex. How does that all sound to you?

[itsxafx]

we make sure to talk about it regularly, even if we aren't doing it regularly (he has religious parents so no opportunity there, my parents aren't religious but don't tend to give me enough quiet time. we're going on an overnight break on monday because of it) when it comes to consent, comfort and things we want to try etc.
we've been doing a lot of talking recently about PiV sex as previously i've had issues coming down to having problems inserting anything (not even a finger/tampon) which i am starting to overcome slowly. i managed a speculum exam today which is huge progress, even if it was the smallest one they could find. he's starting to feel more comfortable with the idea, and i'm fearing it less because of this. i think honestly the first time was just far too early.

sperm being referred to as a "bullet" comes from my childfree communities which are predominantly american. i do understand what they're saying considering recent events, but it is absolutely terrifying to think of it that way. i have since left them in the name of mental health self care.

i can go back on the anxiety medication as i've given up the ADHD meds, so i expect this will solve a bunch of what i'm experiencing.

[aarija]

hey itsxafx,
just popping in to say it sounds like you are on the right track by talking about what you want to try before and approaching new activities slowly. I will just reiterate what KierC said about foreplay leading up to penetration! Taking the time to reach full arousal helps make things much more pleasurable.

I understand why some people refer to sperm that way, and in the current climate around reproductive rights, sperm can be a scary thing to think about. But, as you said, its not helpful to think about it this way and sperm are not as powerful as many folks think.

Overall, it sounds like you and your partner are navigating this really well, so congratulations on that!