well, that was dreadful.

[itsxafx]

i feel so many things right now.

i'm back from my city break, feeling unfulfilled.

i tried so hard to be prepared, to the point of getting waxed which is something i've never done before. i wore something nice, i did my make up, i put on his favourite perfume.

it was going so well. then we tried to get to it. he went soft and started panicking. he was really mad at himself and i was just surprised and wondering what i'd done wrong. the mood was gone, just like that. if i'm honest i didn't feel like it anymore because i felt so ugly. he has no problems by himself, the only time he does is with me.

so we awkwardly went to sleep after trying to make him feel better. i felt fine about it yesterday, but now i'm home i just feel awful. i can't stop questioning what i did wrong. i even have moments where i just never want to try again. i feel sad that this happened. part of me is annoyed that there was no orgasm and the entire thing killed the mood immediately.

[Heather]

Hi there, itsxafx. I'm sorry that you're both grappling with such hard feelings.

I'd say that one big part of human development and personal growth when it comes to sexuality, and one of the things we just need to learn, is learning how to deal with sexual disappointment. It's going to happen to everyone at least sometimes, and depending on what someone's expectations are, it can even happen really often. For example, if someone expects their erection to be ever-present when they want it to be, then they are probably going to experience disappointment quite a lot until or unless they change that expectation, because erections-on-demand or erections that don't go between soft and hard a few times in a sexual session just aren't realistic expectations for human bodies. Same goes with any expectation that we or our partners won't have hard feelings about something, or insecurity during sex, that will require we shift gears to deal with feelings for a bit, instead of desires.

Suffice it to say, this is one of the kinds of things that is rarely included in most places people get their sex education from, if and when they have gotten any at all growing up.

I don't see that you or anyone did anything wrong here. There's no bunch of things anyone can do to assure someone keeps an erection, assure everyone involved isn't whacked with some insecurity that comes from inside themselves, or that everyone involved has the experience they want to. Getting waxed or other grooming, how you smell, or even what you do sexually can't guarantee a certain kind of sexual experience.

It sounds like what's happened here involves both of you having expectations or ideas that might have set you up for this a little. On his part, it sounds like he expects his erection to be there when he wants it to be and like he also might think that if he can't get or keep one, something is terribly wrong with him (it isn't). On your part, it sounds like your sense of your sexual appeal or attractiveness might be too tied up in his (or anyone's) sexual response to you, and to sex going like you want it to. This didn't go this way because you are unattractive or because you did something wrong. This went this way because bodies aren't machines or sex toys -- which is also why we can't ever figure orgasm is a given, either -- because everyone's insecurities or worries can (and often do) come up in sexual situations, especially high-stakes ones, and because you both had expectations that resulted in you being hard on yourselves instead of understanding.

Do you see what I'm saying?

If so, my best advice would be for us to first walk through what a different, more humane response (for you both) to this kind of situation can look like. I think if we do that, it might be a lot easier for you to let go of the negative feelings you are having about this and yourself, and to see how to talk about this experience together in a way that actually can turn this into something that improves your relationship and the way both of you are coming to sexuality rather than something that impedes the good stuff. Are you open to that?

[itsxafx]

i’m open to that.

in the moment i was as supportive as i could be, putting aside my own disappointments and worries because of how upset he was.

i know logically he can’t always be up and ready to go so to speak, but it just absolutely sucks when it does happen.

[Heather]

Oh, please know I'm not judging your response. Like I said, there's a learning curve to all of this.

I get that you experienced it as something that absolutely sucks, but I want to suggest that it actually doesn't have to suck when it happens. In fact, it can actually be no big whoop at all, like the level of no big whoop of say, going to a restaurant with the expectation of having your favorite meal, and them not having it that night, but instead having something new you turn out to like just as much.

In this case, that's because being sexual with each other never has to be reliant on our bodies doing any one thing. We can have good sex together as a pair where one person has a vagina and the other a penis with or without erection: an erection isn't required to have a satisfying sexual experience, including for the person with the penis!

So, to give you an example of how this could go differently, it will first have to start with you two coming to the whole thing differently. If he came to this understanding that if he doesn't get or keep an erection, it's no big deal, and you came to it without thinking that his erection or any kind of sexual response needed to validate your appeal, from the jump you two would feel a lot differently about this.

For instance, it would probably be a lot easier for him, when he didn't keep that erection, to just go, "Welp! We won't be having that kind of sex right now, because bodies-are-bodying. What do you want to do instead? Do you want to be sexual in a different way, or do you want to just switch gears and cuddle or do something else altogether?" It would probably be a lot easier for you to just know that your appeal and his attraction to you exist and whether or not he gets or keeps an erection has nothing to do with that, so it would be easier for you to just shift to trying something else, be that switching to sex with mouths and hands, or to cuddling or making out, or to taking a break for some food or a walk and then coming back to sex if you two wanted.

When we recognize that an erection -- be that penile or clitoral -- isn't required for sex, it's a lot easier to see what we can do and enjoy sexually as a giant menu where intercourse is just one thing on it, not the only thing or the only main course. That makes it easy to just choose to do things with sexual partners that are the right things for the ways our bodies are behaving and where our heads are at. It also makes an unexpected or unwanted physical response (or lack thereof) a blip, at most, instead of a disaster.

And in the event that things went a little different and one or both of you did get upset, then you two could reassure each other about the things that have you both feeling insecure: you could reassure him his erection isn't required for your satisfaction and not keeping one also is normal and not a big deal to you, and how could have reassured you -- if you were honest with him about your feelings, which I'd suggest -- that his erection isn't the right thing to look to for him to tell you that he's attracted to you: his words are a much more reliable and better way to do that, and he could use them to reassure you. If you both had also been honest about your own feelings in the moment, equally concerned about the other's feelings, and equally invested in keeping your own self together enough to be there for each other, something like this could potentially have led to a very intimate, deep and vulnerable conversation that could have gotten you closer. (It sounds like his response perhaps made you feel like you had to lock your own feelings down to take care of him, and/or maybe you felt ashamed of how you were feeling so didn't want to be vulnerable and share those feelings.) Heck, after a talk like that, it also would have been likely that -- be it that day or another one soon after -- you two felt more inspired to try some new ways of being sexual together, and between trying new things AND taking the pressure off AND having had that big conversation, *that* sex could have been amazing, maybe even more amazing than the sex you initially envisioned.

Can you see these different ways to approach something like this? Do you want to talk about how to take some of that pressure off of yourself to start?

[itsxafx]

i agree that we probably should have come at it differently. for the most part, we do anything but PiV because of some problems i have, but this time we both felt ready. the condoms we had were the wrong size for him, he couldn't get it on and ones we've used in the past he's said have been so tight they hurt which isn't helping the whole staying hard thing. that's why he got so stressed out, he figured the condom being small meant there was something wrong with him which caused the panic so we are unsure what to do there as there is no next size.

in this situation next time, i believe suggesting other activities would help as i guess it would take the focus off of bodies doing body things and put it onto something else which might reduce the stress from "why is my body doing this now???". i explained to him that there are times where i've really wanted to be wet, but my body is saying "nope, not today". i regret not doing that, because i don't think i was entirely mature about it. the mood was definitely dead, but i think a little effort rather than awkwardly shuffling over to the other side of the bed would have done a lot. i felt a lot of shame in that moment and i agree that i probably went into some kind of emotional lockdown because of it.

[Heather]

I'm not surprised to hear that, given all that you have said was going on in your head. I hope you know that while you may have felt shame, there isn't anything that happened here that you should be ashamed of.

It might be worth a conversation with him to talk about the different ways you two can approach something like this -- or even exactly this situation, if it happens again, as it probably will, since again, bodies are just gonna body. Mind you, you can't do his work for him, obviously. The only mindset you can change is yours, and he'll obviously have his own work to do here when it comes to changing his. (It also sounds like you actually did pretty right by him in this: for your part, I think it was yourself you did less right by here, in that you locked down your own feelings instead of also asking for some support from him with those, like you were giving him with his.) But talking about this some more with the intent of setting yourselves and each other up for better experiences all around moving forward makes it much likely they will be and feel better moving forward.

Condoms-wise, I do want to make a suggestion: if outside ("male") condoms have been tricky for y'all, you might want to try some inside ("female") condoms to see if those work better for you. Since they are tethered inside your body, there's no size issue on your partners end, nor do they have to put anything on at the time. If you want, you can even put an inside condom on ahead of being sexual. I'm sure you probably can solve for using outside condoms if one or both of you just prefer those, though, especially if he can let go of the idea that losing his erection is a big deal. <3

I'm happy to keep talking you through any of this if you'd like to talk more about it, or answer anything else you might have questions about or want help with.