How exactly should my attraction and lust for other people work?

[CrazyBonobo]

I am inexperienced when it comes to relationships, sex and the sciences that study such matters. I am concerned about how my lewdness operates on a mental level. It's hard to do justice to sensations with words, but it doesn't hurt to try: I feel a primal attraction to the physiques of those I find sensual. Sometimes for the whole, sometimes for specific parts. My salaciousness is raw and visual-oriented. Of course, the personality of the other also influences my attraction, I don't like bodies without agency.
That said, we are in a time of intense social transformation and after a while on social media I see other people, especially women or lesbians saying that their sexual attraction works in a more ethereal, holistic way. These more physical forms of horniness are said to be gross and a path to dehumanization and violence.
Like, are these processes supposed to work differently in my brain? Should I see some kind of specialist to fix my neaderthal-tier sexuality?

[Latha]

Hi there CrazyBonobo- welcome to the boards!

Honestly, I don't think you need to see a specialist for this because I don't think there is a problem to fix. Feeling attraction to people's bodies is not gross or a slippery slope to dehumanization and violence- it is a normal and fairly common way of experiencing attraction. What really matters is how you treat people- you can feel attraction in this way and still treat people kindly and respectfully.

[CrazyBonobo]

I still feel uncertain about this topic. I try to push it to the back of my mind during my daily life, but it quickly returns to the center of my thoughts. There is a daily conflict between what I really want and what I feel I should want. It's like having Andrea Dworkin on one shoulder and the Marquis de Sade on the other.
I sexualize people in my mind. Sometimes people I used to study with and lust after, sometimes complete strangers. It is difficult in practice to be sure whether I am seeing people in my fantasies as subjects or objects. And then I am grieved for the weakness of my flesh. Few things are as demoralizing as the putrid sensation of your desires eating away at your values.
When you read your share of articles about social justice or critical theory you kind of develop a critic in your own head. And part of me resents the inner critic. A relic of the time when I rebelled against a strict religion. No matter how rational the values and just the cause, there remains a snarling distrust at the idea of returning to more self-critical sexual values. And paradoxically, a fervent desire to align beliefs and actions and become a more coherent being. Now, it's important to point out that all of this is just a conflict between different tendencies within myself. I avoid romantic relationships until I have fixed my contradictions.

[Latha]

Hi there, CrazyBonobo

The image of Andrea Dworkin and the Marquis de Sade as little pixies on your shoulders is evocative! It would be more amusing if this wasn't clearly agonizing for you. I can see that you really care about doing the right thing and treating other people well. Don't worry, we can talk through your concerns. It is okay for you to disagree, but here are my thoughts for now.

I think the part of you that distrusts that inner critic might be on to something. It feels like there are some similarities between the strict religious outlook that you've left behind and the views that you're considering right now. There is the line you've drawn between base, gross desires that you associate with the body/flesh and the more holistic and ethereal attraction you feel you should have — that sounds a lot like the way some religious people think of the body and the soul. The idea that the former can only lead to violence and dehumanization reminds me of the idea that physical desires can lead people to sin and away from God. I think these distinctions are created in a way — they are the product of a social context, and are not as natural as we think they are. Sexual desire isn't inherently bad, and it can coexist with respect and care for other people. Another thing to consider is that people often want to feel desired, especially in sexual situations with other people they are also interested in.

Ultimately, I think it is possible to develop a positive sexual and moral framework that isn't rooted in intense self-criticism and distrust. It might help if you focused on measuring harm in practical terms. Fantasies about other people are not unusual at all. If you're trying to figure out whether you see these people as subjects or objects, ask yourself: would their consent and interests matter to you in real life? If they matter, that means you recognize their personhood and would not treat them as an object or as a means to an end. What happens inside your head doesn't affect them, and so it cannot hurt them.

What do you think of this?