GF insults me sexually?

[Jlongdong]

"You're 29 years old and you don't know how to have sex"
"you don't know how to use your penis"
roared the queen in Spanish to our translation app that I could then hear it translated to English.

Those are the words coming from my girlfriend of 3 months when I have a long distance relationship with and traveled to see her in another state twice, for the weekend. I only know English (well I'm picking up Spanish) and she only knows Spanish. We use a translation app

So why does she say this? Because I explained to her I feel nervous and uncomfortable with the cowgirl position because when she grinds back it pushes my erection angle closer to her and away from me and I feel unsafe about the possibility of injury. I don't like it when she tries to give me handjobs if she pushes me erection away from me, again in an angle it doesn't go.

-Thus the queen after pressuring me to do things I didn't feel comfortable doing acted like there's no other way to orgasm or that oral doesn't exist or that you can't just incorporate sex toys into the bedroom

-and she really treated me in a disrespectful way after I spent all that time, money, and effort to travel

[Sofi]

Hi there. I hear you're frustrated with the way your girlfriend is treating you, and I gotta say, you're right that it's not very respectful to talk to anyone, let alone our partners, that way. I went and looked at your previous post after reading this one and it sounds like this isn't a very healthy relationship. Even aside of the things she said, it sounds like sexually you are not a good fit with each other and want different things.

Beyond that, if she is pressuring you to do things you're not comfortable doing, that's really not okay. We should never be pressuring our partners to do anything they are uncomfortable with, especially when it comes to sex. In a healthy relationship, when you express discomfort with something, your partner respects that. Pressuring you and insulting you, and you referring to her as the queen in a possibly condescending way, signals that this is not a healthy relationship and there is a lot of resentment on your end for the way she has treated you.

I want to check in with how you feel after hearing this. We know leaving an unhealthy relationship when we love the person is really hard, so we are happy to help you through that if you need, just let me know.

[Heather]

Hey there, I just want to echo Sofi here, because I think it's been clear since you started posting here that this relationship is just bad news. Bad for you, for certain, but it sounds like it's no good for either of you. Neither of you seem happy with one another, and you have also reported things here that sound potentially sexually abusive (pressuring a partner into any kind of sex is coercion, whatever the genders of people involved).

I do want to say that there are a few things you've said here we might want to table to talk about later though, like the idea that it's not okay for people to just bring sex toys into the bedroom (it is, and a lot of people do just that, but if it isn't okay with *you* and you have told a partner that, then yeah, that's not alright), or what sounds like a sense that if you spend money and time to travel to a sexual or romantic partner that they owe you something (they don't). However, I think the most important thing right now is your recognizing that this is clearly a toxic relationship, at best, and starting to think about leaving it.

[Jlongdong]

Thank you all for replying.

I understand this doesn't sound good. But she did talk to me last night and said she'll stop trying to get me to do a position I'm uncomfortable with

Here's my concern, I understand the cowgirl position feels pleasurable to her and I just want to make sure I can still satisfy her, just like she has satisfied me, in bed. We did mention that I couldn't perform cunnilingus on her this most recent time because she was on her period (she did not expect me to do that and we both felt like it wasn't the time for us). However, next time if we plan the timing better, I can perform cunnilingus on her because she really likes that

She also was initially hesitant to the idea of bringing toys but is open to it now. She said she didn't want an object to replace me and I obviously don't want that either, but I think there's a way to incorporate it into the bedroom where I can use a vibrator on her if lets say my hand gets tired.

She wants me to do something which I think is very reasonable and I will do it for her and for my health. Even though I'm skinny, my cardiovascular/aerobic fitness has declined after my mid-20s because I got lazy with jogging. This means after say 3 minutes during missionary, I start to get out of breath and feel like I've been working out too much, get thirsty too, sweaty. I am confident getting back into the routine (slowly but surely) of 15 minutes of jogging a day will eliminate this problem

The other thing is she wants me not to put my full body weight on her during missionary. So I'm getting used to holding my arms straight out, as long as I get my wrists conditioned so I'm not putting all my weight on her and she can see my face and chest. The other possibility is just resting on my elbows and she suggested I flex my knees some


P.S I want to clear up a misunderstanding. When I said she treated me in a disrespectful way after I spent all that time, money, and effort to see her; all I meant was that I felt like she could have been more kind, appreciative with me and be able to better enjoy my company

[KierC]

Hey there Jlongdong,

I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here. I hear you that she said she’d stop coercing you into positions you’re uncomfortable in. That’s certainly a step forward, but it needs to be coupled with actually changing behavior and actually not coercing you or making coercive comments. That includes comments about trying to get you to exercise or change your body. I’ll refrain from going on a tangent on that, but generally it’s just not cool to expect someone to become more able to do a certain activity. Too, even if the coercion never happens again, it still did happen and is a signal that this person is probably not the best partner to be with.

I want to say, too, relationships just don’t have to be this tough. Nobody should be coercing anyone in a relationship, nobody should be making disrespectful comments, and typically, when that happens in a relationship, it’s normal, common, and totally okay to say “well, that’s clearly an unhealthy dynamic, and not the relationship I want to be in” and get out of it. I know that’s not always easy to enact, especially when there’s some toxic behavior on one or both parts, but it’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself and others to leave when you recognize that. It can help, too, to check in with yourself on this privately, and see if this is actually a relationship you want to be in. For example, what is great about your relationship? What makes you feel good in it? What do you like about her? If you want to type it out here, too, we’d be happy to hear you.

[Jlongdong]

Hey there Jlongdong,

I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here. I hear you that she said she’d stop coercing you into positions you’re uncomfortable in. That’s certainly a step forward, but it needs to be coupled with actually changing behavior and actually not coercing you or making coercive comments. That includes comments about trying to get you to exercise or change your body. I’ll refrain from going on a tangent on that, but generally it’s just not cool to expect someone to become more able to do a certain activity. Too, even if the coercion never happens again, it still did happen and is a signal that this person is probably not the best partner to be with.

I want to say, too, relationships just don’t have to be this tough. Nobody should be coercing anyone in a relationship, nobody should be making disrespectful comments, and typically, when that happens in a relationship, it’s normal, common, and totally okay to say “well, that’s clearly an unhealthy dynamic, and not the relationship I want to be in” and get out of it. I know that’s not always easy to enact, especially when there’s some toxic behavior on one or both parts, but it’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself and others to leave when you recognize that. It can help, too, to check in with yourself on this privately, and see if this is actually a relationship you want to be in. For example, what is great about your relationship? What makes you feel good in it? What do you like about her? If you want to type it out here, too, we’d be happy to hear you.

Thank you for your input and I'll answer your question. Well attraction wise, I think she is an extremely beautiful latina woman. She also has this very playful and flirtatious side. I like that about her personality too, that she has a healthy libido (my ex girlfriends did not) and she likes to initiate sex and be very flirtatious. I also enjoy the company at night that I get to cuddle with her and feel like I'm with someone that loves me. I also love it that she has the goal of building a life with me where we can rent our own place and start our life as an independent couple.


I do know she said her ex-boyfriend cheated on her and he also would pull away during sex and she claims he was verbally abusive. With me, if I start to pull away during sex, it is because if I'm tired and know it's going to take a bit of effort for her to orgasm, then she's going to criticize me, but most importantly it's only if I get the sense that she's going to try to make me do something that I find uncomfortable. She says she'll no longer do that and understands I can satisfy her with oral, other positions, and incorporate sex toys


But I do feel there's very unhealthy parts of our relationship. One of which is when she threatened to leave me if I try to tell her that are respectful and disrespectful ways to communicate with a partner and she's like "maybe i'm not good for you and should leave you" and I ask her please to not leave me

[KierC]

When I asked those questions about what you like about her, I was actually asking you what you like about her as a person, and was hoping you’d have some thoughts about, say, her personality, how she treats people, how she interacts in the world, how her hobbies are cool, how she treats her pets, how she treats herself… anything aside from her existing in your mind as an object that can satisfy you sexually. I asked those questions to elucidate *any* reason for staying in this relationship or not, and frankly your answer says that not only is this not a respectful and healthy relationship, but also that you need to reflect on how you view women as partners, and particularly how your thoughts and words about your partner are tokenizing and fetishizing Latinx folks.

For example, you had this to say about what you like about about your partner as a person:

Well attraction wise, I think she is an extremely beautiful latina woman. She also has this very playful and flirtatious side.

When you say you like her because she is “an extremely beautiful Latina woman,” you’re quite literally tokenizing and fetishizing your partner by viewing her differently, particularly in a sexualized and self-serving way, due to her race. Viewing and treating people differently because of their membership to a particular group, in your case liking your partner *because* she is a “beautiful Latina,” is the definition of tokenism, and it’s hurtful and disturbing for others to read, particularly Latinx folks. Your words also made our Latinx staff feel uncomfortable. I don’t view the language you’re using about your partner as respectful or acceptable at all either, I do feel that the words you’re using are rooted in racial bias, and I am asking you in order to keep this community a respectful space, to not use fetishizing and tokenizing language towards your partner, or anyone, here.

I would also highly suggest you privately reflecting on *why*, when asked what you like about your partner as a person, all you have to say is that she’s Latina and likes sex. I want to mention this:

I like that about her personality too, that she has a healthy libido (my ex girlfriends did not) and she likes to initiate sex and be very flirtatious.

These are not personality traits; too, and this relates to what I said in the beginning, these are all just things about her that serve *you*. Also, I noted the subtle “diss” to your exes having an “unhealthy” libido— that’s also signaling to me that you need to reflect on how you view the women in your life; commenting on women’s libido as “healthy” or not is quite inappropriate and not your place at all. Can surely explain that more if needed.

So, in your answers, I’m not hearing anything that someone in a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship might say about their partner. I’ll say, too, what you’ve mentioned about your partner, that she’s attractive and likes sex, is not enough to sustain a relationship. When you talk about moving in with her and creating a life, but have nothing to say about her personality or how she thinks or *anything* besides sex and attraction, and when you say you can only communicate through a translation app, that’s a red flag to me that this relationship may not have what it needs to sustain. So, with regard to your original topic here, I think it’s very clear that you may not even view her as a true and equal partner, and that this relationship is unsubstantiated by deeper connection and understanding of each other. Your partner, whether or not you know it, is a complex and unique individual with much more to see than just her race and her libido, I know that without even knowing who she is; and she, along with everyone else, deserves to be looked at as a whole person. My point is that every person you meet in life will have more to them than how they can serve you, and I want to invite you to reflect on that.

That was a lot to take in, I know, but I want to invite you to read this and sit with it for a bit. I know that most of that may be uncomfortable to read, but it’s necessary for our community, for your partner, and for you to address how some of your words here reflect tokenism, fetishization, and objectification.