Body Changes After Recovery from ED

[juliapf]

Hi!
I’ve been struggling with disordered eating for pretty much ten years by this point.
This year I had quite an impressive improve in my relationship with food and really thought that everything was fine.
I was eating, like EATING how a normal person with my height and life style would. I was actually embracing my new body and its changes and was SO happy about it.
I was so well mentally to the point of my psychologist telling me that I didn’t need her help anymore and had the tools to deal with everything.
Until this Monday. I was packing for a trip and tried on this pair of pants (that I actually really love and that were a quite expensive investment piece) and the zipper popped.
This had never happened to me. EVER. I just felt so out of control with my life and was miserable about it all week long.
I have been obsessed with body checking, controlling calories etc all the things that I really thought I was finally free from.
Things have been spiraling, the whole “I lost control” thing evolved to me thinking I must have popped the ziper because I was pregnant and that was the reason I had a pooch.
As someone who always uses a condom and take my birth control obsessively right this just couldn’t.
But still, there I am truly believing that I actually didn’t use a condom that one time and that I must be 15 weeks pregnant. Even with a negative test.
Truly need some help. My therapist can’t be reached, she’s traveling. I’m stuck in this miserable mindset, hating my body more than ever and stuck searching online about hook effect and how I actually did lose control of my life and actually am pregnant past the point of abortion.
How would you take your head out of this? I’m supposed to go on a trip with my boyfriends family for Christmas that I’m really excited for but now can only think about how everything is out of control and everyone will think I’m super fat because now I weight 117 at 5’7 and will have to wear a bikini in front of them.

[Latha]

Hi Juliapf!

I’m glad you reached out for support. I can see that things feel really awful and out of control right now. I hope that this response will help you feel a little better.

Let me start by saying that what is happening right now does not negate all the progress that you made over the past year. You’re right, the improvement is impressive. It is also evidence that it is possible for you to have a better relationship with your body. Your healing doesn’t have to be linear - it has happened once, so it can happen again.

It can really sting to damage clothing that you love, especially since it was an expensive piece, so I completely understand how that could precipitate a spiral. Try to remember that the zip can be repaired, and if necessary, the pants can be altered. This doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with your body, because your body cannot be wrong. Clothes are meant to fit your body, you do not need to make yourself fit clothes.

Your circumstances feel scary and uncertain, so it’s natural to look for more information. However, in regards to pregnancy risk, you already know everything you need to know. You take regular birth control, you backup with condoms, and you even have a negative pregnancy test. There is simply no chance that you are pregnant.

Don’t blame yourself for not being able to think yourself out of this situation. It is complicated and difficult - feeling better may take some time. Broadly speaking, I think there are two strategies you can use here, both of which are necessary. The first is to distract yourself, and the second is to surround yourself with messages that go against the ones you are hearing in your mind.

For the former: don’t approach distraction os though you are running away from distressing thoughts. Instead, acknowledge them and move on. I imagine you’ve heard a lot of these ideas before. If that is the case, you can always come back to them later, after you do something that is more interesting and better for your life. In my experience, anxiety makes me feel like the thing I am worried about needs to be address immediately and to do so, I need to think about it all the time. Allowing yourself to engage with other activities shows your mind that the worries are not an emergency and not that important.

For the latter, here are ideas:

• Reach out to those you can trust for support. Tell people like your boyfriend how you’ve been feeling, and ask for them to validate that there is nothing wrong with you, no matter how your body changes.

• Take some time to think about all the wonderful things your body helps you do, and consciously appreciate it.

• See if you can spend some time browsing body-positive and fat positive pages online.

How does this sound so far?