Is this a normal feeling, or is it time to move on?

[Mediapd]

Been dating this girl for a year, she’s pretty, super kind and treats people with kindness, however, I’m really not sure if we are meant to be

Let me start this off by providing some context, relationship is good, I’m a senior and going off to college a few hours away next year, she is a junior and will still be in school, something that has a lot of baggage for her as she doesn’t want me to leave at all, (well obviously) that makes me nervous and I will explain why later

She’s a great person, but full of emotion, she cries over literally everything and a lot of things I do make her upset that aren’t really even bad and she knows they aren’t bad, she cries when I hang out with my friends and I end up having to call her literally everything time and talk to her, or text her the entire time (while I’m super anxious about her) asking her if she’s okay because she’s so dry, I am very very social and love hanging out with my friends, she is still social but has a smaller group that tends to not hang out with each other much, so I go out and she stays in the nights we aren’t with each other, I feel like I haven’t been able to have very much quality time with my friends

I’m not too worried about my friends think, however they really think our relationship is a joke (granted they aren’t very mature) and they constantly try to mess with me about it and it obviously makes her upset when she figures out, she knows this and cries about it just making me feel worse

When she’s happy, everything is fine and I love being around her, she’s just a great ball of energy, but when she’s upset (which is a lot) it just makes me feel like shit and makes me feel like it’s my fault, and I honestly don’t know if I love her anymore when it’s like that

She also gets super upset when I can’t hang out, upset when I’m not with her, upset whenever I pick up my phone for 2 seconds to check it, and she constantly think my mom doesn’t like her, and isn’t very talkative in front of my mom and I know she’s so much more than that like she’s amazing but she never shows it

I can’t specify stuff in specific, but every little negative thing that happens is the biggest deal for her and she puts it on me and I really don’t know if I can take it anymore, she gets upset when I go out with my friends, she gets upset when I go to parties even though she acts like she doesn’t care, and I’m worried when I’m in a fraternity with my friends at university things would just be so bad

I’m a great boyfriend and I’m not just saying that, she knows she’s putting too much on me through our relationship and says it and thanks me for going through it, but at what point is too much? What can I say to her, or are we just not meant to be if she’s affecting my happiness, I’m always anxious and walking on pins and needles, and I feel the need to be more independent than she is letting me be right now. I know I don’t owe her anything, but I would be so upset breaking up with her just because she is everything I would want in theory, I just don’t know if this is worth it. Please provide me some help, I love her and care for her but I’m really not sure I want to be locked down at 18 years old, I want to be independent and have full autonomy and I don’t know how much I have that right now regardless

[Jacob]

Hi there!

It certainly sounds to me like your partner is struggling through many parts of this relationship, and I'm not hearing you saying that you'd like to work through any of that with her, or that you're willing to be affected by the fact that she's struggling. Indeed it sounds like you're struggling with it too - it can be very difficult and isolating to find yourself in a caretaker role in your relationship.

It also sounds like there might be some negative feedback loops, eg: You don't like how she is around your mom - she get more nervous around your mom, your friends are dismissive of your relationship - she picks up on parts of that and feels insecure in your relationship, you have doubts about the relationship - she becomes more sensitive to you pulling away - so you have more doubts about the relationship.

We can't answer what is "too much" - instead that's a question for you to ask yourself.

It might be that neither of you are in a good place for what each of you need, want or are able to give each-other. That seems like a fair reason to end it (as it sounds like that's what you're leaning towards) - and there doesn't need to be individual blame involved.

However, I do think "It wasn't meant to be" can be a way of avoiding tougher conversations as it suggests the whole situation is completely out of your control, whereas deciding to end things is an active decision you will have made and it can be better to explain yourself than to chalk it up to what was never "meant" to happen.

[Mediapd]

I never thought of the negative feedback loops, as a start, how could I fix those specific ones potentially? My mom is really outgoing and I think wants to see someone who is outgoing too, which I know my girlfriend is I just think she gets nervous which is totally normal. I realize how in the first note that it may have seemed I was unwilling to work things out, however I do tend to work things out with her, it’s just a really tiring process that takes up a lot of time every single day for every issue there is, now this could just be a rough patch but I’m worried it’s the same things that might be out of my control that are starting this if that makes sense

[KierC]

Hey Mediapd,

We can certainly talk through those negative feedback loops! I think addressing those loops is less of a matter of “fixing” the loop, and perhaps more about finding which parts of the loop you might be taking part in. Relational dynamics arise from the interaction between at least two people, so you’re not alone in this, and it also doesn’t have to be on you alone to address.

So, if we look at this specific loop Jacob pointed out:

You don't like how she is around your mom —> she get more nervous around your mom
Your friends are dismissive of your relationship —> she picks up on parts of that and feels insecure in your relationship
You have doubts about the relationship —> she becomes more sensitive to you pulling away —> you have more doubts about the relationship.

Taking a look at those examples, can you identify where you might be taking part in this dynamic, and where you might have control over some of what’s going on? For example, you mention that your mom wants someone outgoing and you don’t like how she is around your mom — could that be putting pressure on your girlfriend to act a certain way? Another example might be with your friends: when they say negative things about your relationship, how do you react, and what do you say to your girlfriend about it?

[Mediapd]

Didn’t want to leave another response until I had it sorted out with her but I took what you said into account and talked about things with her, I think I was just very overwhelmed because I have never really gotten how I feel about things across with her due to me being worried about what she might say. We talked about things for a few hours and everything is good, around my friends I definitely get defensive about us but who wouldn’t lol. Definitely just going to be on the way to becoming more secure once we fix these things, we decided to try and get her and my mom to spend more time together, kinda hard bc my mom is this like super outgoing super busy executive woman so she’s a little intimidating despite her being really friendly and kind which I get because I would be scared of my mom if she was my girlfriends mom (and if I didn’t have a mom like that already), but yeah thank you all for always helping with stuff, really lucky I’ve found a source I can rely on for help regarding anything as it’s hard to figure out life a little as a teenager so thank you all

[Heather]

Glad we can help!

I did also just want to poke my nose in here and ask if your girlfriend has ever been evaluated for depression? I ask because some of what you have described with her -- like her crying all the time, including when it seems out of place -- are things that often happen for depressed people when they are in a state of active depression.

[Mediapd]

Hey I just remembered to come back to this, no I don’t think so. She’s always been kind of regarded as like pretty emotional by her family which I don’t have a problem of supporting her through and stuff, but I guess I don’t know if this helps, but a lot of things that aren’t big deals (not in our relationship) like people pushing back plans an hour for example would make her incredibly upset and sad. I always just kind of assumed it was the fact that she’s the youngest sibling and things just kind of tend to be with that with the youngest sibling. And I know I’m painting her out as like this incredibly unbearable emotional person because I’m only talking about this aspect of her, but she is an amazing, kind, beautiful individual that experiences a lot of happiness too. She is very emotionally intelligent and can always make good decisions as well as she is very mindful of how others feel. I don’t know if she would have anything but through this relationship i definitely found out I have anxiety so maybe!

[Jacob]

For sure!

Depression can be a thing for whatever sibling you are, as can any long-term mental health issue. I agree with Heather in suspecting your girlfriend might benefit from seeking support around mental health. Maybe that could be something both of you could look into?

[Mediapd]

Yeah lol, I just don’t know how I could bring that up to her

[Andy]

Hi there,

how would you for example feel about finding a place and time when you can talk comfortable and then starting by telling her what you have noticed about her behavior and that you are worried about her? You don’t have to make assumptions about her mental health diagnosis or the help she might need, the goal should be just checking in about how she is feeling and if there is something she might want your help or support around, including for example help with finding resources.

[Heather]

I want to add to what Andy said to say that without mental health stigma, suggesting someone might be depressed really isn't any different from telling someone it seems like they might have the flu.

So, my best advice is to be sensitive, but that there's no need to walk on eggshells (and if it feels that way, that might be a thing we need to talk about in your relationship, period). I think you can just say something like, "I have been thinking a lot about the ways you're often feeling. Have you ever thought about the possibility that you might suffer from some form of depression?" And then you see where it goes from there.

Big emotional highs and big emotional lows are often particularly a hallmark of bipolar depression, and like most kinds of depression, for most people, is treatable. Given you know how *you* feel when she's having these kinds of feelings, I'm sure you can imagine how she might feel with all of that actually inside of her. Oftentimes, when depression is at the root of things like this, someone asking you something like that can lead to a diagnosis and care that can radically change life for the better. <3

[Mediapd]

That is true, I will engage in a conversation with her when I get back in town bc I think that’s a very in person conversation matter, yes I do feel like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes but I think that’s partially has to do with my anxiety, however it definitely makes it worse. We’ve made some strides and it’s gotten better, but I don’t know it kind of causes me to build up resentment a little bit when things are like that, which is very hard for me to admit because I know I love her