Triggered and Seeking Support

[MusicNerd]

Thanks, I appreciate you sharing all that, Heather <3 I don’t feel particularly optimistic that people who are strangers would be willing to take me in for free or low cost (and I wouldn’t blame them), but I appreciate you pointing that out. Maybe if I’d already been living with them for a while and built that trust that could work though.

I just talked with my therapist, and basically what I’m dealing with is outside of the scope of what she can handle/what I would need out of therapy. So, I’m basically being discharged today and I have to find a new therapist that specializes in DBT and trauma (I did a partial hospitalization program last year for DBT and found that more helpful than my now-former therapist’s more generalized approach).

She gave me some resources for where I could find therapists in my area, so I’m hoping a new one gets back to me soon (especially one that does sliding scale costs, in case Medicaid gets cut).

[MusicNerd]

Forgot to mention in my post above: I’m honestly not sure it’ll even be possible for me to heal while I’m in such frequent contact (or potentially have to live with) with my parents. I feel stuck given that my health currently prevents me from being able to be financially independent (I tried working other jobs, but couldn’t due to worsening symptoms), and I worry I’m losing years of progress I made in therapy.

It’s possible that switching to a new approach (like DBT) could help me, but I worry that my health problems existing for who-knows-how-much-longer means I won’t be able to heal while being in contact. Honestly, this all just feels really unfair and like my life is on hold, and stuck in survival mode, while my inner child feels unsafe.

[Jacob]

Hey MusicNerd,

I'm kinda disappointed that your therapist didn't do more to set you up with referrals to some colleague or other. I understand that choosing your own next therapist could be an important way to have ownership but some help probably would have been nice! This at least might mean getting some more specialised and effective care! We'd be happy to be a second pair of eyes if you need any help deciding on a therapist.

I think it can be useful to remind yourself that there's no real backwards steps, whether that's healing or hurting (and usually we're experiencing some combination of the two) - you don't lose progress you've made, there's just new stuff to process, even if it's very very familiar with the same people who were there previously. Likewise it can be helpful not to think of healing as undoing any of the harm you've previously experienced but instead moving to a new state, with new knowledge, strategies, feelings and experiences.

I don't know if that's a helpful way to reframe any of this for you?

[MusicNerd]

Hey Jacob!

Yeah, she gave me some websites where I could find therapists, but that’s about it. Honestly, it felt like a very sudden and cold/impersonal ending to 4 years of me spilling my guts to her. I wasn’t expecting yesterday to be our last session; but I guess all this is a good reminder that being a therapist is ultimately a job, and I’m just a customer at the end of the day.

I really like your reframing of healing and progress— helps me feel less hopeless about being able to make some progress, or heal in some capacity, while being in contact with my parents.

[Heather]

I get why you feel that way! I honestly would not say that this is my sense of how most seasoned therapists would handle this, not be a serious long shot. That was really insensitive, and I'd personally expect a lot better from a mental health professional.

[MusicNerd]

Hi Heather,

Thanks, that helps me feel less like I’m overreacting. We briefly talked about me maybe seeing a therapist who does a different modality like 6 months ago. At the time, she said we would do a “warm transition,” and not immediately end things, if there was another therapist who would be better; but then we decided to stay working together to do some trauma processing instead. Maybe that’s why she felt it was okay to have yesterday be our last session, because I brought up feeling stalled in progress the day before yesterday?

At one point she was like, “I hear you want to talk about feelings,” and then shifted to asking if I would find additional sessions with her useful, and giving me external websites. So… no processing feelings at all, and telling me that she didn’t want me to feel like I’m “wasting [my] time” by continuing with her (which I never said btw).

When I asked if we would have more sessions until I find a new therapist (like the “warm transition” she mentioned months ago), she asked what I would expect from her if we had more sessions. I honestly didn’t know how to respond, and idk it kinda hurts how impersonal it all felt. I get it’s a business, but still.

I sent her a short text saying that it feels weird for things to end so suddenly after 4 years, but I also thanked her for everything she helped me with. I let her know it meant a lot to me, but no reply from her.

Maybe she’ll respond later, who knows. Frankly, I feel stupid for being so vulnerable. I wouldn’t have opened up as much had I known things would end like this. I feel wary of opening up to a new therapist given how this ended, but I also am aware that therapy requires being vulnerable despite it just being a job. It’s a tough spot to be in emotionally.

[Latha]

Hi MusicNerd,

This really was such an abrupt end to your sessions — it is so understandable that you are not in the best place, emotionally. You haven’t done anything wrong by being vulnerable. As others have said, your therapist should have managed this transition better. It is possible to find counselors who are more sensitive to these things, even when it is a professional relationship.

You mentioned that you were in a partial hospitalization program for DBT. Do you think you could contact anyone there for a referral to a new therapist?

[MusicNerd]

Hi Latha,

Thanks, yeah it was pretty abrupt. She just responded saying it was a pleasure to work together, and I expressed how, despite feeling gratitude for our work together, I also feel disappointed by how suddenly things ended. I did my part in communicating, but I guess all I can do now is find a new therapist.

I could reach out to the PHP I went to last year, but if Medicaid gets cut I wouldn’t be able to see them. Because of that, I’ve been mainly looking for sliding-scale therapists in my area (and I’ve found some, so I hope to meet them soon).

Update: I found one to meet with tomorrow, and a few others reached out to me. We’ll see what happens!

[KierC]

Hi MusicNerd,

I also wanted to chime in and echo what others have been saying, that is really abrupt and I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. On your update, though, I am glad to hear that you’ve heard back from some therapists. I hope tomorrow’s meeting goes well, and if you’d like to pop in to let us know how it went, or if you need any help or support with the process of vetting a new therapist, we’re here for you.

[MusicNerd]

Hi Kier,

Thanks so much, I appreciate it! I’ll keep y’all posted on any updates I have. I really am grateful for the support of everyone here. Y’all are awesome <3

[MusicNerd]

(TW: mention of sexual abuse, but no details)

Hi everyone,

I hope you’re doing well! I’ve thankfully been doing much better health-wise since I last posted earlier this year (knock on wood things keep progressing well; one of my providers feels quite certain I’ll even get to full recovery!). I have a new therapist now who’s truly amazing! She’s the one I mentioned meeting for the first time in my last reply above.

I’m running into a bit of a conundrum, and maybe I’ll bring it up to my therapist too. Long story short, I’ve had some people recently show romantic/sexual interest in me (one of them I’m not interested in, the other I was interested in but the timing wasn’t right) and it’s made me realize that I really want to explore sexually with other people. I took a break from dating apps for a few years, and I’m still caregiving for my dad (who sexually abused me growing up), but I’m applying to some full-time jobs that are within my current health level as I recover, and I’m hoping to find something soon.

I’ve made an account on a couple dating apps, and I don’t know if this makes sense, but I almost feel like wanting to have sex with other people while caregiving for the person who abused me somehow makes me… I don’t know. Gross? Or like my sexuality is contaminated somehow?

I already took a break from dating for several years now, and haven’t had sex for even longer, and I’ve also found that masturbation isn’t quite the same as sex for me. I’m also not sure when I’ll be hired for a different job to get out of my current caregiving job. Initially I was like, “Oh, I’ll just wait to sleep with people once I’m not in contact with him,” but: 1. I don’t know when exactly I’ll be away from caregiving for him and 2. That mindset reminds me too much of how I was forbidden from dating by both parents when growing up under their roof. Like, my sexuality is mine, not his, you know?

Is it actually gross for me to want to have sex with people at this point in my life? Or maybe that’s just trauma talking? Any insight is appreciated! I’m grateful for all you do. <3

[Latha]

Hello and welcome back, MusicNerd! I'm glad to hear that you've been doing much better with your health, that you have a great new therapist, and that one of your providers feels optimistic about a full recovery. That is amazing news!

Your feelings about exploring sex with other people while in your current caregiving arrangement make so much sense, in that I understand why you would feel that way, and that it is a sentiment that other survivors have expressed before. But, the feelings are not true. It is not gross for you to want to explore sexual relationships. You might have to navigate how your experiences have affected you with a partner, but they are nothing to be ashamed of. Your sexuality is not contaminated--I'm glad you know that it is your own!

You don't need to move out or find a different job before you explore sex with other people. We'd be happy to talk about the feelings that come up for you as you look for partners, or to help you plan for how you might go about this.

[MusicNerd]

Thanks so much for responding, Latha! I’m also grateful for all the positive updates I’ve had since I last posted.

I should’ve clarified: Fortunately, I do not live with my parents. I travel to their home to care-give for my dad, so thankfully there’s a level of freedom, and ability for space, that I have in this situation.

It’s hard for me to tell what’s true and what’s trauma, so thanks for telling me how it’s normal, and not gross, to explore sexually with other people.

I guess I’d be down to brainstorm some plans for how I’d go about this! So far, I’ve recently set up appointments for STI testing (one general one at Planned Parenthood next week, and the other as a rapid HIV at-home test kit that I’m picking up on Monday from a local non-profit).

I also have made a rule for myself that I’ll only sleep with people who share their STI results with me; it’s basically why I’m getting tested again, even though I haven’t slept with anyone in a while, because I want to have my own copy to share with people. Maybe that’s too strict, but idk… I have OCD, so I guess I err on the cautious side; and ever since I got sober years ago, I’ve cared a lot more about being safe with my body than I did in active addiction. (I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is.)

I’m planning on using a couple dating apps to find people (mainly women and non-binary people, since idk if I’m ready for sex with men at this time given my current caregiving job with my dad, as well as hypertonic pelvic floor issues that I’m trying to resolve). Sometimes the pelvic floor issues feel like a UTI, but my urologist tested and examined me to rule that out, which is how she was able to determine that it’s just me holding too much tension in my pelvic area.

If you have any other ideas than the ones I’ve mentioned, I’m open to hear them!

(Edited to fix typos and add info)

[Tara]

MusicNerd:

This is so great to hear that you have made so many strides in your journey from assault. I hear that you have become sober, changed addictive patterns, and are now doing this to care for yourselv more. You should feel very accomplished. I am also glad that you are now looking towards the future and your needs and desires, which may involve being sexual again.

I am glad you are thinking through safe options for doing this and agree with Latha and your recommendations above. Dating apps are great for making decisions about people before meeting them, giving you autonomy and space. You might also consider joining special interest groups to meet like-minded people.

[MusicNerd]

Thanks, Tara! Yeah, I got sober 7 years ago. I sometimes forget how much progress I’ve made in that time, so thanks for pointing that out.

And good idea for finding special interest groups! I’ll be sure to look around and see what’s in my city. I’m also glad my ideas for STI testing/sharing results with people seem good.

[Andy]

Hi there, MusicNerd!

Really glad to hear you are doing better health-wise, and I will keep all my fingers crossed it keeps getting better and you can get out of the care-giving for you dad as soon as possible!

You have mentioned having issues with your pelvic floor and it’s great you got the diagnosis and can work on managing the pain. If you haven’t read it yet, we have this amazing series on pelvic floor which you might find helpful: Pelvis Problems: The Non-Relaxing Pelvic Floor

Hoping you can find some groups near you! Let us know if you need any support or help around any of this<3

[MusicNerd]

[TW: mention of sexual abuse, but no details]

Thanks, Andy! Sorry I somehow missed your message. I’ll be sure to check out that pelvic floor series!

I’ve got a couple dates lined up with some non-binary people, and I’m going back and forth on whether or not I want to include men in my dating pool (I’m currently only filtering for women and non-binary people on dating apps).

Given the fact that I’m currently caregiving for my dad, I don’t know if it would be a good or bad idea for me to be sexually involved with men at this time given the history of sexual abuse from my dad and the fact that I caregive for him in-person multiple times per week. I only really have sexual experience with women, and would like to try hooking up with men too, but I’m also worried about how my pelvic floor issues could become a problem too regarding penetrative sex. I guess I worry multiple triggers might come up if I start having sex with men given my current situation and physical issues.

I’m nervous to bring this up to my therapist, but I’m seeing her tomorrow (an hour before one of my dates actually), so I guess I could also talk about this with her too; but just figured I’d share that here too, since I’m going back and forth on whether or not to also try exploring sex with men giving my current job situation with my dad. I’m leaning towards “no” but I’m not totally certain.

[lilikoi]

Hi MusicNerd!

I hear you that it's hard to decide whether or not to introduce men into your dating life right now. To help in the decision, have you identified the reasons you want to pursue men? Comparing that to the reasons you do not want to include men in your dating pool could help clarify the risk involved.

You mentioned a couple of reasons you would not want to date men. I will say, I would empower you to remember that sex with anyone does not need to involve insertion (we try to steer away from using the word penetration since it implies less agency to the vagina owner). There is a ton of pleasure and play to be had for a penis owner without crossing that boundary of yours. I feel like the more we hear that, the better so had to give that little shout out.

For dating in general, do you have a list of qualities that you think of as red-flags and green-flags? If it makes sense, you could create one that is specific to men based off of friendships, acquaintances, or any examples of relationships where you felt safe.

[MusicNerd]

Hi Lilikoi,

So sorry for the delay! Life got hectic and I forgot to check for replies.

I decided against pursuing men for now until I leave this caregiving job for my dad, and just stick to women and non-binary people for now. Some good news is that I’ve got some employers interested in my resume, so I’ll hopefully be speaking more with them soon!

I’m also gonna be starting a new thread in a different category for a different type of question. Thanks again for responding!