Compulsive sexuality? Not sure if that’s the thing

[isleeplate]

I’m in a relationship for almost two years, we talked about a lot of things like sexuality etc, and as time goes on i realize that my libido is high but at the same time im not sure if it is or its me having a compulsive sexuality or hypersexuality because i tend to feel that quite often since i was young.. due to exposure of porn at an early age i guess..

Our sex life is great we’re in a long distance too, but one thing i notice is when i have an unspoken issue to him that i haven’t talked through and waiting for the right time and as time goes by my libido acts up and whenever i want to masturbate over the thought of my partner i feel guilty..because i have something to say to him that i do see as an issue, so i just not think of him and do my own thing but it makes me feel guilty, what to do? I feel like i want to fix my sexual compulsiveness

[Heather]

Hi there, isleeplate.

You know, sexual compulsivity is really not something someone should self-diagnose, particularly since a lot of people, especially young people, confuse simply having a lot of desire for sex for some kind of pathology. Just having more desire than a partner, or having frequent desire for sex isn't compulsivity (which is best described as an inability to control your sexual impulses, like feeling like you have to masturbate and can't stop yourself even when you don't want to be masturbating) and also isn't a signal of something being wrong with someone. Hypersexuality is not a term we often tend to use in sexology, either, both because it assumes there is one "right" amount of sexual desire or activity, when again, there is only a lot of diversity, often even across only one person's lifespan. And again, this framework, even for those who use it, isn't meant to describe someone just having what they feel is a lot of sexual desire.

There's a lot of diversity in sexual desire, and it usually has nothing to do with people seeing porn at any age nor is it often based in a problem.

There's also nothing pathological about wanting to masturbate, including when we think of partners we have sexual feelings for. That it makes you feel guilty doesn't mean it's a problem or something wrong you're doing so much as it indicates you've been led to think there is.

Can you say more to me about why you're thinking your sexuality is a problem of some kind? Do you have any thoughts about where these feelings of guilt are coming from? How were you raised when it came to sexuality?