Got bottom surgery and am struggling with my new bits

[kittypawsnclaws]

I'm a trans woman who got bottom surgery (zero-depth vaginoplasty) a few months ago and while I'm very happy with the results, I am struggling to pleasure myself in any meaningful way with it.

Prior to bottom surgery, masturbation was a very cerebral thing for me. I would lie on my stomach and look at art that I found arousing. Then I would imagine scenarios that would make me pleased until I came. I didn't like touching anything and would mostly just wait for my mind to do the work.
Apparently, as I've learned, this is not the usual way that people masturbate. I feel embarrassed about it and am scared to try anything else since my method is all I am used to.

After the operation, I've tried my method a few times and it's a lot less effective. I've tried touching parts and borrowed a friends vibrator but neither of them felt nice and I felt too self-conscious that I was doing something wrong.
I feel like I'm at a dead end, or maybe I'm just putting myself in a dead end because I don't want to try anything else! What should I do?

[KierC]

Hi there Kittypawsnclaws, and welcome to the boards

You know, there’s not so much of a normal or usual way that folks masturbate. The things that bring us pleasure vary so much person-to-person, and it is common for folks to masturbate in a variety of ways. I’ll say, too, masturbating by lying on the stomach and looking at arousing art is not unusual, plenty of folks find this pleasurable too! You can read more about the many ways folks masturbate here: How Do You Masturbate?.

I hear you, though, that you feel it’s unusual. Is there a reason you feel that the way you masturbate is unusual? Too, when you say the method is a lot less effective after your vaginoplasty, does it physically feel different too, or is it more of the feeling that the method is unusual? I ask because, oftentimes, when we approach something with the concern that we’re going to do it wrong, or that the way we’re approaching it isn’t right, it ends up being less enjoyable to do that thing. Does it feel like some of that might be happening, or is there more of a physical feeling that’s different too?

[kittypawsnclaws]

Hi KierC and thanks for responding so quickly!

I think part of the reason that I feel the way I masturbate is unusual is because of how much media I see that involves touching or genital stimulation. When I've spoken about how I masturbate to friends who are more sexually active, they are confused.

Part of this may just be the feeling of new bits in new places; my method felt comfortable before but now that I've got new things, the physical difference is off-putting. What you said about "approaching something with the concern that we’re going to do it wrong" is something I resonate with heavily and I've certainly been holding myself back just because of the insecurity of being seen as "unusual". What I've done in the past works but it doesn't feel as pleasurable now; the physical difference of lying down on my stomach with a clitoris is very different!

I want to try touching things, and when reading the article you sent, I think spending more practicing and getting used to things changing will help (alongside getting use to masturbating without an orgasm). I have tried touching things but I really dislike using my hands—things are a lot more wet...

I'm predicting that the main answer is just practice, and a lot of it is also being confident that things are okay if it doesn't work the first time. Thank you for your advice regardless!

[CaitlinEve]

I definitely agree that part of how you're feeling is due to 'new bits in new places'! You've had a different genital 'setup' for your whole life; consciously and unconsciously it's normal to be used to and expecting other experiences. Something you may want to try, since you mention disliking using your hands directly, is pelvic stimulation by using pressure for pleasure. You may also want to try grinding, such as using a pillow or even against your mattress while you're on your stomach! The main answer is practice, but that's not the whole answer. It'll take time and experimentation, but it's absolutely okay and normal to be frustrated when something isn't working the way you expect it to.