[SexEd] Need some clarification & guidance

[bananasplit]

Hi Scarleteen team, thank you for taking your time to read and respond (:

On your site and other platforms like reddit, i’ve read that non PIV encounters like fingering with ejaculate or pre-ejaculate fluid does NOT cause pregnancy. But do some other sites still say there is a possibility?

I had a scare (non PIV, fingering with possible pre-ejaculate) earlier in Jan and i’ve had 1 irregular and another regular period since. i’ve also taken a few preg tests the latest being 11th March (which was before my regular period) which was negative. I know i have plenty reasons to know that i am not pregnant but i wanted to clarify why is it that some people say these tests are not accurate and they were pregnant even if they got their period? is that even biologically possible?

[KierC]

Hi bananasplit, and welcome to the boards!

While I can’t speak to why other sites say what they do about pregnancy risk, I can tell you that manual sex does not pose a risk to pregnancy. You can see this, along with the pregnancy and STI risks of other activities, outlined here: Can I Get Pregnant, Or Get Or Pass On An STI From That?.

The situation you’ve described (indirect contact with pre-ejaculate) does not pose a risk to pregnancy. I’m not sure which sources you’re seeing that say pregnancy tests are not accurate, but you can trust the accuracy of a pregnancy test if the instructions are followed correctly. Implantation bleeding can occur with pregnancy, as can other forms of bleeding during pregnancy that are not a period, just other forms of bleeding. I think this advice column might be helpful for you to read, it talks a bit more about types of bleeding during pregnancy that are not periods: Period During Pregnancy Misunderstanding.

Does this help address your questions?

[bananasplit]

this helps thank you.

i read a few forums where mums claimed they didn’t test positive until halfway through their pregnancy or they had on/off bleeding during their pregnancy- that’s what confused me but the link helped answer that, thank you.

[Heather]

Unfortunately, people are frequently dishonest about things like this online, or, when not dishonest, leave out critical information, often without realizing. For instance, some folks don’t mention they didn’t follow test instructions correctly or that bleeding they had was spotting, not like periods. Other people have a reason for wanting to tell themselves (and others) a false narrative.

But either way, forums and such online from random folks — not educators — are terrible places for accurate information about pregnancy.

[bananasplit]

that’s fair, thank you Heather. i just don’t want to be pregnant so i’ve been searching and info online is SO contrasting and overwhelming. i’m going to read through scarleteen’s resources and this thread to reassure myself

[Heather]

It really is -- conflicting and overwhelming -- you're right. Alas, reading things can't make a person pregnant or not pregnant, so it seems like all soaking in this is probably doing is what it usually does to people, which is making you MORE anxious.

What can tend to help more are things like talking through your fears, or making plans to make different sexual choices moving forward that feel like a better fit when it comes to preventing pregnancy as an outcome or even just fears of pregnancy (for instance, a plan to talk with your partner about washing their hands before any fingering so your brain doesn't even go here). Would you like to do either of those things here with us?

[bananasplit]

my partner and i have since part ways so i don’t think ill find myself in a similar situation anytime soon (but ill keep safe practices in mind for next time).

I think i should learn to tackle my anxiety better right now. it’s been 2 months since the incident but i still find myself hung up on it- worrying i might be pregnant and not know it (going to a doctor to confirm is not an option for me unfortunately)

i read that it’s usually guilt from the act that makes you feel this way and it’s most definitely that for me :/

[Heather]

That can certainly be a reason someone feels like you are. Do you want to talk through where you think that guilt is coming from?

[bananasplit]

family background ig, as well as how i think i shouldn’t be sexually active rn and how i thought my partner then wasn’t the right one for me

[bananasplit]

i have a weird request, could you virtually shake me out of it by being ‘on your face’ telling me that whatever i did may not be a risk to the best of your knowledge?

whenever i panic, i will come back to that text and stop my brain from a full blown spiral

[Heather]

So, what you're asking me to do is answer your reassurance seeking, a thing that's been well-studied and well-known to not help at all, but instead just keep a person experiencing anxiety in it. That's why Kier already doing exactly what you asked right up top there likely hasn't had any impact. So, no, we can't do that because that just isn't likely possible. It won't work. That's also why it's in our policies not to engage with reassurance seeking. We tried to help thousands of people in scares for years and years in a million ways and know from experience how incredibly ineffective that is.

The thing is, anxiety isn't rational, which is why it rarely responds to rational thinking. For more on that, this is a great piece: Anxiety Lies. And you just going back to anything on this topic again and again will only help KEEP you in anxiety, not to mention that us telling you the same thing over and over isn't a good use of anyone's time or energy.

What is known to be actually effective, sparing therapies like exposure therapy you'd need a therapist for, is doing all you can to, is moving AWAY from this topic. So, with all the time you are spending thinking on this, what else can you be doing instead? What can you shift your focus to when your mind goes here? Do you have a hobby? Is there a book you can get really immersed in, or a playlist or album that soothes your soul?

You can also look at some resources here: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... -resources There are some great apps and other resources out there that can help you manage or get out of anxiety loops.

[bananasplit]

apologies i didn’t know i was going against policy but you’re right. i could distract myself with work perhaps.

it’s just with changes in my cycle and certain abnormalities, i get really anxious. maybe ignorance is bliss

[Heather]

Honestly, my concern is less about policies and more about how what you asked for is just only likely to keep you in anxiety. You're the one suffering here, after all. Too, unmanaged stress has very real impacts of the menstrual cycle, so the irony is, it could well be that weirdness you are experiencing in your cycles is due, in part or in whole, to this anxiety and to not being able to let it go.

Mind, the idea that the menstrual cycle is going to work like clockwork and be the same all the time is also based on oversimplification of everyone's cycles and the cycle as a whole. In reality, there are patterns to it, but there is also usually a lot of variation, especially over a lifetime. So, this is one of those things everyone with a menstrual cycle just has to get used to and learn isn's something to worry about.

Were you able to take a look at that page of anxiety resources? Maybe grab an app or two from the list there and see if what any of them offer is helpful to you?