Why can't I feel anything for these people?

[justherenow]

So I've started talking with a few people that are nice, mainly because I want casual relationships with them. They're all kind to me and respectful, but no matter how much I talk to them and how much they show interest in me, I just can't feel the same. I'm having a really hard time putting what I want to say into words, but even when I'm aroused, talking to another human feels like a chore. I can tell when people are attracted to me and I'd like to be friends with them too, but when we get to anything sexual, I really just want to feel pleasure and nothing else. Even then, the idea of doing it with another person is something I always have trouble envisioning in my head.

It's like... I want pleasure but nothing else. And it makes me feel like I'm a bit of a bad person for never being able to feel the same way that others feel towards me. It's like a chore every time. I feel like I'm leading them on even though I'm not in any serious relationship with anyone. Sorry if nothing here makes sense, I just feel frustrated.

[Latha]

Hi there, Justherenow!

I don’t think you’re being a bad person. Some amount of talking may be a bit necessary - it’s a part of how people gauge whether someone else is a safe partner and whether they are compatible. But if you’re upfront about what you want and what you will do, these people can make their own decisions. You aren’t hurting them just because you are not that interested in talking a lot. If you get to a point where you would just prefer to focus on having sex, I think it would be okay to just communicate that in one way or another.

Along the lines of Heather’s response to your last post, I wanted to add something: having people you can be honest with will also make meeting people for casual sex safer. It’s useful to be able to tell people some details, such as where you are going and when you’ll return. And if you end up needing support, you’ll want to be able to call someone reliable.

[Heather]

I also want to add that if, as in your other post, you're meeting people via apps, this is absolutely something you can put in an app profile, with in text descriptions/answers, or when it comes to options a given app gives you to choose what kinds of relationships you're looking for.

If you're honest like that, like Latha said, then you're making very clear to others what it is you want (and don't), and you won't have to worry about the idea that you're somehow leading people on to thinking you want a different kind of connection.

Mind, you obviously are going to need to talk with even casual partners to do things like active consenting, negotiating what you're doing, telling them what you want and don't, what feels good and doesn't, to make choices together about your relationship/interaction model and to talk in and respond to all the same things from them, so one thing I would add is that if even doing THAT feels like a chore or like something you don't want to do, it may be that what you're actually looking for is more suited to masturbation than sex or a sexual relationship with another person, you know?