Can’t get aroused or feel any pleasure :(

[Clam]

I’m an 18yr old girl who’s never felt any sexual pleasure. I’ve never masturbated and have never been able to feel anything from sexual acts (not penetration) with my boyfriend.

I have always had an uncomfortable relationship with self pleasure. I remember when I was younger being able to feel aroused but I never acted on it. Now however, I can’t even get aroused. I’ve tried just about everything and nothing will do it. This started around two years ago when I developed an anxiety disorder and then depression later on. I’ve tried multiple medications and finally found some that help with my anxiety and depression. But now I’m in the process of looking for new medications that will hopefully have no effect on my arousal.

I have a “sex drive” meaning I have the desire to have sex and still have fantasies, but I can never actually get turned on by it. I’ve tried masturbating recently but doesn’t really do much if I’m not even aroused.

The reason I’m not fully confident that it’s my meds fault is cause my psychologist has said that the new meds I’m on should not be giving me any issues. I’m still going to try another medication but I should’ve seen a difference by now if it was my meds fault.

My boyfriend thankfully is very understanding and patient. But I can’t help but feel bad. Plus I so badly want to know what any form of sexual pleasure feels like. If anyone has any idea what my issue is or how I can try to fix it please let me know!

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards. <3 So sorry you're struggling with this, Clam.

Can you start by telling me a little bit about your experiences with other kinds of pleasure than sexual pleasure?

Do you struggle with experiencing pleasure as a whole, or only when it comes to sex? For example, do non-sexual things give you pleasure, whether that's something that tastes delicious, or a beautiful day, or a hobby you enjoy, or a song or album you're crazy about?

And with sex, do you feel like you don't experience pleasure with any kind of touch or sex, or are we only talking about genitals? For example, do you experience pleasure with things like kissing or having other body parts touched (or touching with them) that aren't genital, like maybe your neck or hands?

Lastly, when you say you don't feel anything, do you mean you literally cannot feel your partner touching you, like it feels numb, or do you mean you don't feel what you expect to feel from that touch, as in, it isn't as intense as you expect or want?

[Clam]

Thank you for the reply!

To start off, I definitely do feel general pleasure in my daily life like with hobbies and what not. But I would say still not as much as I used to. I think there is still some effects of depression in me but it hasn’t taken away all of my daily pleasures.

The only pleasure that I’ve noticed I feel is when my boyfriend pushes my hair back. Other than that I don’t feel any pleasure. Like a massage isn’t really relaxing for me. Or if I’m being touched elsewhere it just feels like a normal touch as if you were just touching my arm. I enjoy being close to my boyfriend and I get comfort from it but other than pushing my hair back, there really is no specific act that I get pleasure from.

I do feel the touch, like it isn’t numb, but I just don’t get any sexual pleasure from any kind of touch, and very little pleasure in general like I said in the last paragraph. My boyfriend is very sensitive to touch and enjoys lots of things so I feel confused when I don’t get pleasure from the things he does (like rubbing his back or running my fingers down his arm).

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in.

You know, it sounds to me like it's possible that a good deal of this probably is about your depression, perhaps even more your depression than the meds for it. Do you feel like the meds you're taking have helped a lot with your depression, or not so much?

I also am wondering if you have ever experienced pleasure from touch from anyone, not just with this boyfriend? Can you also tell me a little about why you decided to be in a sexual relationship with him? Would you say that you feel strong sexual attraction to him and desire to be sexual with him, and if you don't now, if you ever have? When he pushes your hair back, like you say, is that a kind of pleasure that feels sexual to you -- and that turns you on -- or is it a quieter, more platonic kind of pleasure?

[Clam]

I think that my depression is kinda hard to pinpoint. It doesn’t make me sad, it just more takes away from motivation and really enjoying things like I used to. I still get some joy but compared to before, not nearly as much. It’s hard for me to tell if my depression has improved because the symptoms aren’t so concrete. However, I can say that since my depression started (about two years ago),I have not made a single piece of art which used to be a very big hobby of mine.

It’s hard for me to remember if I have or not. I remember when I was younger that I would like when my friends would braid my hair because that would feel good. But now it just feels normal. I feel pleasure when I hug people I love or cuddle with close friends but other than that I don’t think I really do anymore.

Originally my relationship with my boyfriend started out as a friends with benefits type thing, and as a way for me to gain sexual experience. However I learned soon into the relationship that I wasn’t going to be able to get very far if I couldn’t feel aroused. We did end up developing romantic feelings though and have been dating for about 6 months now.

I am attracted to my boyfriend but not as much as I think I should be. My attraction to him physically isn’t very strong but emotionally we have a strong connection. I do have the desire to be sexual with him and often seek it, but it never ends up going far.

I have considered that maybe my issue is that I’m not attracted enough physically to my boyfriend. However, when I watch porn with other people or think of fantasies, that still does nothing for me either.

When he pushes my hair back it is not a sexual pleasure, it is more like a relaxing pleasure. I think it also feels better because of our emotional bond and makes me feel more comfort in the action.

[Ro S]

Hey there Clam,

Thanks for all of your answers!

Just wanted to put my 2 cents in here because I'm curious if you've taken some time to 'gain sexual experience' with yourself. What I'm trying to say is that during times of change in our bodies (like when we're dealing with depression), partnered sex may be too much if we haven't yet caught up to our current state of existing/feeling. I know in my bouts of depression, I've had to get used to way my body felt again before I felt comfortable/felt pleasure while being sexual with somebody else. And yup, that honestly took me a while in my long bouts of depression. You've mentioned that you've also always had an uncomfortable relationship with masturbation and I'm wanting to ask a little more about that. I'm curious what other things you've tried by yourself (porn aside and maybe not just genital touch)?

I've also found that when I take some time to just enjoy being present and finding things that feel good by myself, that usually affords me enough comfort and relaxation in my body and mind to begin to enjoy sexual experiences (whether self touch, masturbation, or partnered sex). For me this has looked like taking a really long hot shower and focusing on the way my body feels when the water touches my skin. Is anything like this something you've tried?

So, yes, maybe you aren't really getting that aroused by your boyfriend because you're not that physically attracted to him and maybe also what you're describing has something to do with how you feel in your own body. In reading some of your replies I noticed that you compared a lot of what you're feeling to how you used to feel in the past, and this just has me thinking about how much you've gotten to know your current self and the things this version of you likes. You know?

[Clam]

The comment about me comparing myself to how I used to feel in the past really stuck out to me so I’m gonna start with that first. Yes, 100% I struggle with this “new” me since I’ve developed my anxiety and depression. It’s really hard to pinpoint that difference sexually though. Before my boyfriend and before I developed these issues, I had not had any sexual experience with anyone. I also had not (and still haven’t) masturbated. So, since I already had an iffy relationship with my body and my own sexual feelings, it’s very hard to tell the difference now. The only thing I can remember is being able to be turned on by either porn or my own fantasies. But like I said, I never acted on anything. I’m not sure why, but the idea of self pleasure has always been very uncomfortable for me. Even to the point where I refused to say a word about masturbation to even my closest of friends until about a year ago. Which may make you think that I must have trouble with sexual pleasure with another person as well, but that’s not true. For some reason, I’m a million times more comfortable to be sexual with my boyfriend than on my own.

About a year ago I started to try and figure out self pleasure. I looked up tutorials, watched YouTube videos, figured out my anatomy in the mirror, and still I couldn’t get anywhere. I think the reason I couldn’t get anywhere though, was cause I couldn’t get aroused. I tried porn and fantasies like before, and I tried new things like smut that my friend recommended (cause we’re close like that ) and nothing worked. So how am I supposed to feel any pleasure if I’m not aroused in the first place? But I still did try and touch myself in different areas and figure out if anything felt good… which nothing did. Nothing hurt, but nothing felt good either.

I think my physical attraction may play some part however I don’t think it does that much. Because it’s not just him that I can’t get aroused by, it’s literally everything else.

When you’re talking about having your own things that bring you comfort (like you said having a hot shower), I’m kind of having a hard time thinking of things that make me feel that way. When I am searching for comfort usually I just go and lay in my bed and that makes me feel relaxed. Other than that, I can’t think of anything else that I do purposely to make myself feel good like that.

Also I’d like to say that I really really appreciate both of you for responding to me (and super quick too)! This is the first time that I’ve felt this comfortable saying everything because of the anonymity. Hearing feedback from real people and not just google searches really makes me hopeful that I can get somewhere. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my posts and help me out <3

[Latha]

Hi Clam,

Since you’ve said that you can’t think of many things that give you comfort, I’m wondering if it might be a good idea to start there. Talking time to proactively explore activities that provide comfort and pleasure may help you connect to your body more. In turn, this may make it easier to feel pleasure in sexual situations. At the very least, being intentional about finding pleasure in self care won’t hurt - it has inherent benefits. You could start by branching out from what you already enjoy. If you like relaxing in bed, what might also be nice in that situation?

While exploring masturbation before partnered sex can be helpful for a lot of people, it isn’t for everyone, and that isn’t particularly strange. I do have a question though: if you think about the times when you’ve been uncomfortable about masturbation, do any specific feelings or thoughts jump out to you? If there is nothing, that is alright.

[Clam]

I think my biggest issue is that I have been basically unable to do anything for the past two years. I have done nothing but sit around and stay on my phone or iPad (even though I set time limits, I still manage to find other things to mindlessly do). So I guess I do have things in mind. I find comfort in cleaning up my room, doing art, spending time outside, and organizing things. But I just can’t seem to do any of it. Something I very often think about is, am I just lazy? Or am I depressed? It feels impossible to do anything, but at the same time I feel like the only way to get better, is to just start doing. Yet I can never take that leap. So I do have these things that comfort me, but I very rarely actually do them, besides lay in bed. And I really really wish I could, and it seems like it should be so easy, but for some reason it feels impossible.

I think when I was younger I never tried to masturbate because it just wasn’t something I thought of or something that came naturally. Then as I got older, it felt very unnatural (maybe because I never tried it out when I was younger?). But in recent years my thoughts about it are that I just feel gross. I feel like it’s something I shouldn’t be doing and it makes me feel guilty and bad. (Partnered sexual things never make me feel that way). Logically, I tell myself that it is completely natural, but I still can’t help but feel yucky. I think it’s hard because 1. I can’t get aroused and 2. There’s already a mental barrier that makes me feel gross when I do try and masturbate.

[Heather]

I have to say, it sounds to me like you might well be depressed. Is that ever something you've been evaluated for? If not, might that be something you could look into?

Per those feelings that it's gross, while sex with partners isn't, do you have any sense of where you picked that idea up? Sometimes it can help us shake these attitudes when we can at least identify some of their sources.

[Clam]

Yes, I take depression meds. However, it’s hard for me to tell if they’re working. Right now I’m actually in the process of upping my dose to hopefully see if that can help. My psychologist is aware that I have issues with depression, but I feel like I can’t portray those issues very well. Either way, that’s something that I’m going to figure out with him. I have considered starting therapy as well. I will know soon if my new dose will have an effect or not.

I wish I knew where that idea came from but I really can’t think of a source. There’s nothing that I can remember that would’ve influenced me to think that way.

[Sofi]

That's great you're working with mental health professionals to find the right medication and dose for you - as Heather said, depression can have a huge effect on our desire for sex and how much pleasure, sexual and non-sexual, we experience.

I'm thinking step one should be taking a step back from sex and working on this idea that masturbation is gross, since our brain is our primary sex organ and if you think self pleasure is wrong or gross, that would affect your experience with it and maybe that extends to partnered sex. Did your family maybe say negative things about masturbation (or sex in general)? Did you grow up in a religious household where it's a taboo subject? It'd be great if we can find the source of these thoughts and go from there. It could also just be something you read or saw in media at some point growing up?

[Clam]

I have thought for a long time that my hesitation towards masturbation is something that could be affecting my sexual issues. But it’s also something that I’ve avoided at all costs so that I don’t have to overcome my unease. I understand though, that if I really want to figure out what’s the cause of these issues, then I need to try everything.

When I was younger my family never talked about sexual things. I don’t live in a religious household, however it is still something that we don’t discuss in my family. So I would still say it is taboo. It took a lot of courage to talk to my Mom about needing med changes due to these issues, and even then I was as vague as possible. Although my family never said anything negative about any kind of sexual things, either self or partnered, it is still not something that is an open topic.

I don’t remember ever seeing something in media that would have changed my thought process on it either. The only thing that I could imagine is maybe it stems from it being taboo in my family.

[Latha]

Hello Clam!

Of course, you don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable doing. It is just that exploring masturbation helps a lot of people. Since you’ve spent some time exploring partnered sex, coming at this from another angle might be useful.

I think it’s possible to pick up on the general negative atmosphere around these topics, even if you can’t remember anything specific. Too, silence is far from positivity - a sense that sex and pleasure are taboo could easily contribute to the discomfort you’ve been feeling. If you can’t remember any comments that led to these beliefs, we can set that question aside for now. Instead, you might focus on slowly changing the feelings that come up when you think about masturbating. How does that sound?

[Clam]

I’m definitely open to trying to change my mindset. And although it still makes me uncomfortable, I still want to continue to try and figure things out even if it makes me feel that way. I’ve been working over time on being more comfortable with talking about it by just making myself talk about it with my close friends, even if I feel uncomfy afterwards. And it has definitely helped. I don’t nearly feel as uncomfortable talking about it now with my close friends. Next I just want to work on the actual act though.

What would you recommend would be the best way to start working on changing my feelings about it? Would it be centered more around trying to do mental exercises or physical ones?

[Latha]

I think you’re already on the right track in terms of changing how you think about masturbation in general. You’ve made progress while talking to your friends, and you’ve spoken to us here - that means you’re surrounding yourself with positive messages about self-pleasure. Try to be attentive to your thought patterns. If you find yourself feeling negative about masturbation, consciously reframe those ideas.

As for physical exercises… most of the time, relaxed exploration is the way to go, but I’m not sure I can recommend that here. It might be a bit confusing to start with the actual act of masturbation if you can’t be guided by arousal or a sense of what feels good. I would start with something that was discussed earlier in this thread: finding activities that feel pleasurable or comfortable in nonsexual situations. Pay attention to your senses as you go through your day and take note of you’re experiencing. Try an activity that really makes you focus on what your body does and how it feels: something like dance or yoga.The point is to develop a stronger connection with your body, so you can get a sense of what feels good.

[Clam]

I’ll try and do all these things recommended, thank you all so much! I’ll hopefully update soon with any differences

[KierC]

Hi Clam,

I’m so glad we could help! Please do update us if you’d like any more help or support, or if you’d just like to give an update if anything’s changed!