Hit with sadness and fear during/after sex

[derrickman]

As many partners do, me and my boyfriend have had sex a couple of times before, and sometimes I'll get hit with this huge wave of negative feelings near the end, completely out of nowhere.

It makes me feel extreme shame because theres truly nothing wrong about our sex life. We have safe words, set boundaries, so on and so forth, all things considered I should be 100% fine with everything thats going on, especially considered that we are extremely vanilla and theres nothing intense or 'scary' about our sexual activities (Not that theres anything wrong with intense or 'scary' kinks,its just not something we engage with)

Even worse, I'm the top/giving party, and I'm always the one initiating, it makes me feel extremely bad that I'm making feel good and then out of nowhere I begin shaking and crying, and I can't even explain why since I can't even really recognize what I'm feeling, all I know is that I'm upset.

At first I thought I might have been in pain and haven't noticed, but that was only once, every other time I wasn't even touching myself or my boyfriend when it happened.

Any help is appreciated.

[KierC]

Hi Derrickman, and welcome to the boards!

Ah, I am so sorry to hear you’re experiencing this upset towards the end of sexual activity; I am sorry to hear you’re feeling shame surrounding this, too. I want you to know, first, even if you are the one to initiate sex, you are allowed to have feelings during sexual activity, it’s okay to feel differently during different parts of sex, and it’s okay to want to stop at any time. But I hear you that this is distressing to you. When this happens, do you typically continue through, or do you stop, or move to something else?

I hear you that you and your boyfriend have boundaries and safe words. Do you have a routine for aftercare? I know it’s called “after” care, but the comforting strategies of aftercare can be used before and during sexual activity too. Aftercare is what you make of it, and it can involve anything that is comforting or relieving to you, or fulfills any unmet needs you may have in the moment (cuddles, space apart, water, a towel, a breathing break, comforting words, etc.). It also provides a good “check-in” moment that could help when you start to feel the shaking and crying coming on. Do you feel like you could take a break and have a “needs check-in” when you feel this way?

I want to say, too, that sexual activity can bring up a lot of emotions, and can activate memories in the body that may be uncomfortable. When you think back to where you get upset during sex, do you have any initial thoughts about where it might be coming from for you?

[derrickman]

thank you for the helpful reply.

Well, we do aftercare, but I havent considered doing it after/during sex, so I will talk about him about the chance of doing that.

And regards to the second question, I did try to think about that, but I tend to either forget or the emotions are too difficult for me to describe. A part of our sex-play is slight objectification (on his receiving end), and while it isn't exactly anything mean or rough, it does carry some possessive aspects, so I wondered if it could be out of some subconscious and irrational guilt, though im not exactly sure either, as I've never felt guilt like this regarding it before since he always makes sure to reassure me that I haven't hurt his feelings unprompted. Additionally, I do have past trauma of child sexual abuse but I haven't exactly considered that in my original post as in the traumatic events the circumstances were quite the opposite of where I am now, and additionally I am medicated and have been in therapy in years, so I suppose I thought that I've been 'over it' for the lack of a better word, though I am aware that's not something one can get over.

[HannahP]

Hi Derrickman!

I think adding aftercare to sex is a great idea. One thing that stands out to me about your message is the idea that you "shouldn't" be feeling any negative feelings because you are the topping/giving partner — I think that a lot of times people talk about aftercare as something that is mainly for the bottoming/receiving partner, but in my opinion it's really common for the person "topping" to need some reassurance and care after sex or other kinds of play.

You say several times in your posts that your feelings are irrational or that you "shouldn't" be feeling bad. I totally understand how frustrating it is to react negatively to something unexpectedly, but I want to reassure you that it's completely normal to have unexpected reactions to sexual things. I wonder — you mention a few things that your boyfriend likes and that he feels good, but what about you? Are you two doing things that you enjoy as well? How do you usually feel before this wave of sadness hits you at the end?

I also want to specifically check in about the objectification/possessive play that you're doing. Is that something you enjoy too? I'm glad that your boyfriend is reassuring you that it doesn't hurt his feelings, but it's totally okay to have boundaries about how you like to talk to your partner during sex. Even if he enjoys it, you might not!

[derrickman]

That is a pretty eye opening message. While we haven't done anything that I didn't/wouldn't like, we haven't exactly done anything because I'd like it. Not out of my boyfriends fault but more so because I don't really know what I do like, so I'll have to think about that factor. I suppose that might be the core issue of all of this, I tend to put others first and prefer to service them or do things for them, so I'll have to try and find a balance between doing that and also taking care of myself. Thaank you all.