Navigating trying out new pronouns

[Berkeley2003]

I’m nervous about starting to use he/him pronouns in a virtual support group. I’m afraid I’ll like it? That’s the internalized transphobia coming out. How do I give myself breathing room to experience it as opposed to just mentally disregarding it? I reflexively want to disregard it and not give myself a chance to check in with it bc of my internalized transphobia.

[Jacob]

Hey Berkeley,

How about watering the other part of you that might think that liking it is a good thing? What if you liked it, and what if liking it was awesome?

I do also think that this would be a perfectly normal thing to be nervous about regardless, even if it had upsides... and chalking it up to internalized transphobia could also be a way to absorb that anxiety as self-criticism, or a thing that would be your fault. Do you think some of that could be going on?

If so, maybe we could talk about ways of starting to use he/him pronouns which could ease you into it?

Is it a support group you're already a part of, by the way?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi thank you for your response! Yeah I’m generally scared and anxious - to the point of not seeing how it could be awesome. I can see how attributing it to internalized transphobia is my way of having control and being self critical. I’m in this trans support group and have a meeting tomorrow morning

[Jacob]

Ooh! Maybe tomorrow you can introduce your pronouns etc? No pressure - the time might not feel right and that's ok but it's great that you're considering it!

Also, when you said "I’m afraid I’ll like it" that does imply you believe that there is a part of you that would have positive feelings about this. I would sit with that thought for as long as you can, that might not make the fear and anxiety go away, but it can be good to remind yourself that sometimes you can do things despite being anxious about them.

[Berkeley2003]

I'm thinking of using it at my next meeting next Thursday! I don't know why but I feel like I need to announce it to the group, when I could just change my pronouns in my username. I don't know why I feel the need to justify or explain? I'm probably anxious.

Yeah, I can see how that implies that I would have positive feelings. I just need to try it and see how it goes instead of constantly mentally waffling. Maybe I'm being hard on myself.

[Latha]

Hi Berkley2003,

You could make an announcement, but you could also just change your pronouns in your username, and you would not have to justify or explain this change at all.

Another option is to take a kind of middle road. If you’ll have the opportunity to talk to one or two of the people in your support group before the meeting, you could tell them first. Choose people who you know will be supportive. Their positive reactions might help you feel less nervous.

Try to be patient and kind with yourself. Whatever you do, it will be alright.