How do I get over anxiety about any kind of sexual activity?

[kellie98]

Hello,
fist of all I think I should apoligize as in this thread I'm going to mention a pregnancy scare (I know that your boards are filled with this stuff and the incredible amount of information you posted on your site (which is definitely a blessing) is already enough), I'm only going to mention it though, my question is much more serious and I'm hoping to get to the root of the problem.

So, I'm 17 (not sure my age really matters to be honest) and I've been feeling an increasing amount of anxiety towards every sex related activity in the past 5 months or so. I get pregnancy scares every month, and I'm actually goint through one right now. To give you an idea of the problem (like I said before this is not the focus of the question, that's just to give you an insight), right now I'm super stressed about something that happend at the begininning of January, despite the fact that I got my period around the time I was supposed to get it and took a pregnancy test three weeks after the thing happened (and "the thing" was oral sex and manual sex basically). I'm still pretty sure I'm pregnant and this fact is taking over my life.

I'm seriously really stressed. I'm definitely needing of help.

I've talked to my boyfriend and he's been doing his best to help me. He brought me to a place that's like my country's equivalent to Planned Parenthood I suppose, and I spoke to a volunteer there. She totally reassured me about everything but I can't calm down.

I'm super scared that I'm actually pregnant and that all the tests I take are negative and when I finally find out it's too late to think about abortion and other stuff. (I know that you guys are not a pregnancy test so I'm not asking help about this)

I've been talking to my therapist about this, and she thinks that all this anxiety might possibly stem from my family situation. My dad has an illness and she thinks that I might feel "pressured" not to disappoint him. She might probaly be true, but I'm still pretty sure I'm pregnant and that I will find out when it's too late for me to get an abortion.

I feel like this thing has totally drained me and it is taking my life away and I don't know what to do anymore. I've talked to my mother about it but she can't really do much. She usually only says that I shouldn't be anxious because if my boyfriend (who I've been with for a lot of time now, and has always stood by me and supported me) says that I souldn't be worried then it means he's right, but that's not really helpful to be honest. I've talked to her about this but she says that that's the truth and that's the only thing she can say.

I've gotten to the point that I feel uncomfortable even when my boyfriend hugs me or when I sleep at his place I'm paranoid becuase he sleeps in his underwear and i don't know, i'm paranoid. We used to enjoy sex because it made us feel really close to each other (we were actually only having manual sex or oral sex because we didn't feel comfortable with other sexual activities) but now I can't even think about it because I'm scared I might get pregnant and I'm afraid I'll never enjoy those activities again.

Guys, please, help me. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm desperate.

[Sam W]

Hi Kellie,

So, when you've discussed your fears with your therapist, have they given you any techniques to practice when these thoughts start occurring? If not, that's something to ask them about the next time you see them. It sounds like you're not 100% in agreement with their suggestion of what might be behind your fears. If you haven't, read this article and see if anything in there clicks for you (I do know that, personally, when I'm anxious about one big scary thing my brain translates this into fear about something that feels unrelated):
You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are?

It sounds like you an your boyfriend are scaling back your activity, if not taking a full break, which was the sound thing to do. We have info on ways to be physical with each other that don't pose a pregnancy risk. Would that be something you found helpful?

[kellie98]

Hi Sam,

I asked my therapist about what I should do when I feel this kind of anxiety coming on, and she told me to simply breathe and try to be rational. Even though, by reading all of your articles, I came to the conclusion that it is indeed not possible to be pregnant, I still can't view the subject in a rational way. I started reading stuff online hoping it would help, but it did more harm than good. I'm anxious about the fact that women could still experience bleeding while pregnant and such, and I can't really start thinking in a rational way.
I keep telling myself that the bleeding I experienced actually wasn't my period and that the test I took was actually wrong, but I can't really seem to be able focus on the primary thing here - that what I've engaged in (oral sex and manual sex) doesn't really represent a risk for pregnancy.

As for posts about how to be intimate without having to worry about pregnancy risks, yes, some links would be really helpful! I remember reading something that mentioned that in an article of yours, and the problem is that I'm still pretty scared about those things, too. Last month pregnancy scare was about dry humping (with like 673625 layers of clothing). I feel like I've hit bottom rock with all of this.

What would you advise doing? Should I discuss about it with my therapist? Should I take some more tests (I was thinking about a blood pregnancy test or an ultrasound)? I'm pretty scared that if I keep allowing myself to get more tests done, then my fear will never go away and I will always have to live with this.

Edit: I forgot to mention that I went through the "You're not pregnant, why do you think you are?" article a few times, and I quite identify with some of the thigs written there, but I really don't know what I should do now.

[Sam W]

Hi Kelli,

Yes, my main piece of advice here is to keep discussing this with your therapist (let her know that you've tried what she's asked and are still having difficulties). She's the person best equipped to help you work out how to approach these thoughts. You might also find it helpful to take a break from reading anything about pregnancy, periods, or other things that might set off this worry (even if that info is coming from reliable sources, it's still poking the part of your brain that's focusing on this).

Here is the article I mentioned:
NO Pregnancy Risks

I'm also going to give you this piece on intimacy as a reference, since it sounds like you may be taking a break from anything remotely sexual. But that doesn't mean that you and your boyfriend cant experience intimacy together:
Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

[kellie98]

Thanks for your links, Sam!
I'm going to read them a few times and see if I can actually calm down and convince myself that if something doesn't represent an actual risk then it definitely doesn't and it's something I should not worry about.
I find myself having trouble with all the "what ifs" and that's really something I should improve. I keep thinking that I'll be the one in a million that got pregnant by oral sex. I keep picturing sperm as made of tiny little cretures who can fly and run and directly enter my vagina and yeah, I have to stop doing that.

Thank you so much for your help, I'm definitely going to read those articles right now. I'll let you know how everything goes!

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome! One more link for you for now, to give you some help soothing yourself, is our piece on self-care
Self-Care a La Carte