Still no sexual satisfaction

[Amelie15]

Hi there,
I'd love some advice please. It's about my inability to orgasm or even just enjoy sex. I'm wondering if it could have anything to do with masturbating often? I've heard that people who watch too much porn can get erectile dysfunction, and while I don't watch porn or have a penis I was wondering if it's a similar thing? I do it maybe once a day if I follow my desires and it always feels fine. But when I'm with my partner I never orgasm and don't feel satisfied afterwards, even if they do roughly the same thing I do when I masturbate. I'm also starting to realise I'm not very attracted to my partner sexually, but I can't tell which one has caused the other- am I not attracted because I can't enjoy sex or can I not enjoy sex because I'm not attracted? Any thoughts would be appreciated, thanks for reading

[Jacob]

Hi there!

Just to start with a correction: I don't think there's any credible science proving masturbation or porn to be the cause of erectile issues. Those causes are more likely to be physiology (which would surely be helped by exercising those erectile tissues and pelvic muscles), or emotion (which comes from places outside of masturbation, like shame from religious teachings).

So I'm glad to say your masturbation isn't to blame here, but not being attracted to your partner is something you're experiencing and is worth listening to, whether or not it's the dog wagging its tail or the tail wagging the dog you're feeling what you're feeling!

It makes sense, when you don't want something to be true to search for other reasons but sometimes the most obvious explanation is indeed the right one. I'm sorry if this a difficult thing to come to terms with if so. Have you thought about how to handle the situation if you realise you're not into them?

[Amelie15]

Hi Jacob,
Thank you for your reply
I'm seriously considering breaking up with them. I don't think it's fair to either of us if I stay whilst feeling like this. I'm trying to think of a way I can do it without hurting them, but obviously that's impossible. It's also difficult because I genuinely love spending time with them. We are aligned in so many other ways which I feel is hard to find. I'm not sure what sort of standards are too high. I'm so scared of causing them pain and also of realising I wasn't appreciating what I had.

[Ro S]

Hi there Amelie15,

Feeling sexually satisfied in a relationship is not an out-of-bounds standard. I do, however, want to ask about whether you've thought about discussing your concerns with your partner and what that might look like? It sounds to me like you've got a close connection and this is someone you very much enjoy being around so perhaps having that conversation is worth it.

I think that when it comes to a lot of partnered things, communication is not only key but vital to maintaining close connection especially if it's about our desires/needs in that relationship. It's not fair to expect our partners to know exactly what we want if we don't communicate those things.

Ultimately though, I completely agree with Jacob that sometimes we search for alternative explanations for things we don't want to accept. That can sometimes cause us to stay in relationships for too long even after we know that the best answer is breaking up. To be truthful, there's no "right" time to break up with someone or any way to prevent the other person from feeling hurt/sad. I think that if this is the route you decide to take, doing it with care and patience is really the only thing you can control.

Any of this resonating with you?

[Amelie15]

Hi Ro,
Thanks for replying!
My partner does know that I'm not feeling good about this, and I've opened a conversation with a checklist of likes and dislikes as I think I do struggle with expressing what I like. We have unfortunately found that we're pretty different and most of the time what one of us likes the other doesn't.

We've been trying to have sex for so long I feel as if I'm in such a habit of being unsatisfied and unhappy that even if we change something, I'll still expect to feel the same way and therefore I will.

I've also begun to notice some small hygeine issues that I find it difficult to ignore. I have no idea how to communicate that these make me uncomfortable and it seems unfair to ask them to change as I don't live with them. I'd like to be with someone who naturally has roughly the same level of cleanliness as me. But if that was the only issue, we'd probably be able to find a way to work with it. There's a lot of small things I'm not enjoying. I wish we would've just had a friendship. I even think that if this many things are bothering me about being with another person maybe I'm not in the right headspace for a relationship at all.

[CaitlinEve]

Hey Amelie15,

To be honest, it sounds like you may have already made your decision but feel like you need to 'justify' it more in your mind. It may be true that you're not in the right headspace for a relationship, but just because you don't romantically mesh with one person doesn't mean that you're just not meant to be with someone. Do you think it would be possible to salvage a friendship with your current partner, were you to break up with them?

[Amelie15]

Hi CaitlinEve,
You're right. I think I'm looking for 'permission' to break up with them. I'd definitely give staying friends with them a try, and I think they would too. Maybe it would be best to take some time away from each other first though.

[CaitlinEve]

You don't ever need permission to break up with someone but I think it's good that you recognize that you're seeking that permission! How are you feeling now that you've verbalized this?