i am terrified

[tvrbvlnc]

hey, this might sound like a really stupid question, but can you get pregnant if sperm gets on your clothes? me and my boyfriend were making out fully clothed and some of his sperm stained my jeans. it was on my very upper thigh? i ask this because my period was meant to start yesterday but hasnt and i’ve been stressing so much about this as well as other things because im scared my period won’t come. i’ve read so many articles and searched so many times about this and they all give me the same answer of no, but there’s just a really anxious part of me that refuses to believe it. do you think the late period could be because of hormone imbalance/stress?

[Heather]

So, you already know the answer is no. It sounds like what you might not know is that a period isn’t actually considered late until it’s at least five days late. That’s because it is very unusual for people’s menstrual cycles to be exactly like the same number of days each month, and that’s normal, not about anything being the matter.

What can you do to help yourself feel better and not stress about this while you wait on your period?

Also, are you otherwise feeling okay about what you two did together? Sometimes this kind of worry sticks around when someone has conflicted feelings about whatever kind of sex they were part of.

[tvrbvlnc]

yeah, i wasn’t aware of the variation in cycles. thanks for telling me this!being completely honest, i didn’t really feel okay about it.it felt good, but it wasn’t what i wanted to do.i love him so much but some days it feels as if he only just wants to do this with me, and nothing else. and about trying to help myself calm down while i wait for my period, there’s not much i feel like i can do. i’m a chronic overthinker and find it hard to let go of thoughts like this, to make matters worse i have important exams coming up very soon and im stressing about that. would you have any tips to soothe my nerves?

[Heather]

You're welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear that it's felt that way with your partner and that you did something you didn't want to do. It sounds like one thing you can do is to have an honest conversation about this: no one should be part of any kind of sex they don't want to be part of, and when you are, it absolutely can be at the root of fears like these. That's not all that surprising, after all, it's easy to believe that more things you don't want can or even will happen when things you don't want are already happening. Plus, sex we don't want or feel good about is really stressful: it will never help us feel comfortable.

I can't say if you'd feel better having that conversation now, while you are still worrying, or after you are done. Were it me, I'd have it now. If nothing else, it sounds like you and your partner need to talk about consent first and foremost: if you feel like you have to say yes to things you don't want to do -- or they aren't even asking in the first place -- that's something that needs fixing ASAP. It also sounds like you need to talk about what, if anything, you DO want to do sexually. I'm also happy to work some of this through with you first, if that feels helpful.

Of course, if the idea of this talk feels like it adds more stress, then it might not be for right now. If you feel better waiting, do you also feel able to say no to anything sexual you don't actually want for yourself until you can have that talk?

Otherwise, can you tell me about what things you do to soothe yourself when you are stressed in general? Is there anything that tends to work?

[tvrbvlnc]

to be honest, nothing really tends to work well. i try and distract myself but the thoughts come back. i do need to have a talk with him though, there are some days when i want to and some days when i don’t, but it’s more of a case that i feel guilty/bad (?) if i say i don’t want to. i just don’t know how to put those bad feelings aside and tell him.

[Heather]

Can I ask how he handles it when you say no? Is how he is handling it contributing to you feeling guilty or bad, or he is easy and great about it when you say no or ask for something different?

Can I also ask if you have the idea that you owe your partner sex because he wants it? If so, is that something you can recognize isn't an idea that supports healthy, mutually happy sexual relationships?

In terms of some ideas about self-soothing -- which might work better than distracting, from the sounds of it -- what things in life that are within your reach are things that generally make you very happy to help you feel safe and relaxed? For instance, do you have a favorite record, or is there a hobby you love to get lost in? What about time spent with any people in your life who you truly love to be with?

[tvrbvlnc]

he just goes a bit silent and pulls away. and i think that does contribute to the guilt i feel. but he asks if im okay with it but i still feel guilty saying no.
i guess it’s also because this is my first relationship, and his first too, i’m still unsure on a lot of things, especially when it comes to the sexual aspect.

[Heather]

So yeah, that's him not handling a no to sex at all like someone should. I'm so sorry that you have been dealing with this. You deserve a response that respects your own wants and agency.

You're right: someone responding like that will make the person saying no feel guilty, and sometimes, it's meant to. It doesn't sound like you're in something where you can actually freely consent because your partner doesn't handle it well when you say no and because you feel guilty if you don't say yes.

To give you an idea of what it would be like if your partner were handling this like a partner should, they'd instead respond by saying something like, "No problem. Is there something else sexual you want to do instead, or do you just not want to do sexual things right now at all? If not, is there something else you want to do with me today?"

Do you think that he would be up to reading a guide to consenting and how it should go? I also have a good piece on how to receive a no (which was actually written by someone who is now an adult, but whose preschool teacher I was!). I think both these pieces sound really important for both of you to read and then talk about together.

Here they are:
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sexuality/whats-no
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... ng-consent

I do think it sounds like until you can have these talks, it's probably a good idea for you to stay away from any hangs/dates with the possibility of being sexual. Do you think you can manage that?

[tvrbvlnc]

i could try. when nothing sexual happens when we hang out i tend to worry less.

[Heather]

I'm not surprised to hear that.

When we don't feel like we are completely free to say no to what someone else wants, we are going to feel controlled (in part because we usually are if we feel that way, to at least some degree). And feeling out of control is scary and stressful: add to that worries about risks or consequences of what you did and you can probably see why you feel so worried. <3

[tvrbvlnc]

thanks for all your help. i just woke up this morning and found i did get my period. what.a. relief.

[Latha]

Hello TvrbvInc,

I’m glad Heather’s advice was helpful, and that you’re not worried anymore!

It looks like you’ll need to have an important conversation with your boyfriend. If you would like some help figuring out how to talk about your needs around sex or bring this subject up to him, we can provide that. I know these conversations can be scary, but for what it is worth, I think any good and kind partner would want to know if you were not comfortable.