wondering if im actually a victim

[bbbjjnn]

i feel so shitty sharing another weird relationship w someone younger than me but again im worried. im really worried. a cousin of mine used to grope me when i was maybe 9-11 and hes two-3 years younger than me. i remember i hated him so so so much he was always so weird toward me no matter how many times i told him to stop and it reached a point where i refused to let my little sister go over without me going with her. ignoring the weird groping, i can barely remember what he did to me that made me so fearful because i know something did (from a frantic message from years ago) but i cant remember what. maybe that paranoia was a result of the groping? i dont know anyways recently i remembered our weird relationship when we were younger. maybe i 7?? i have the vaguest memory of me asking if we could do that typical "mom-dad" game thing (it was much lighter than that covers) and i explained what we'd do and i guess it happened. i feel like it happened once or twice and from then on it was just weird giggling and stuff. he'd even tried to initiate again but i think i'd declined considering i was just a little bit older then. i feel so sick. i want to hate him but i feel like im just playing victim. i feel like we were reasonably close when we were little and that mutual hatred between us began when i started declining his advances and when he kept persisting i wanted to be around him less. i still feel guilty. im such a rotten thing. maybe all that was just a natural response to what happened between us. what i did. i just hate how stupid i used to be.
right now, our relationship is fine. he started being sort of nice to me and it was fine. i dont know how to feel about it now.
again, there has been worse thats happened to me than this but i feel like i cant even scratch the surface of that without acknowledging all the gross things i did. and i've acknowledged it now but i don't know if i should see myself as evil or stupid. should i take pity on the me who didn't know better and didn't know how to deal with all this hurt and weirdness all around or should i hate her and deem her as someone i can't even consider myself being anymore? i know i'm better than that now but what does guilt do for all the things i've done? it still happened. i see myself asking the same questions again and again "am i evil?" but everytime i convince myself one thing's okay, another worry comes up and i think about it every night before i fall asleep. so, even though i feel stupid for asking again; should i feel bad about what happened to me? was what i did abuse or grooming or some other twisted shit i was too young and stupid to see? i just hate myself. i wish i had just been normal and responded to everything that happened to me, afraid, like a small animal instead of wanting more.

[CaitlinEve]

First, don't feel shitty for sharing your experiences; this is what we're here for! I don't think you're gross, or rotten, or evil, or stupid. I think you're someone who has gone through a lot in your life. Those experiences stick with you. No matter what you did, or what you think you did, nobody deserves to be groped or groomed or abused.

Do you feel like you're in a safe space right now, emotionally? I know we've previously spoken to you about crisis services, have you contacted them any further since your last post?

[bbbjjnn]

yes i have but i feel like i can never get a word out. i know thats stupid but they ask a lot of questions and before i can finish my rant i want to answer and its just a lot. as well as i don't feel in danger when i think these things, i just feel dangerous. so it doesn't feel right to contact a hotline that's meant for situations like suicidal behavior and thoughts because i don't have plans or anything like that. i just feel like i should be locked away forever. i feel fine right now i just really wanna figure out what happened to me as a kid.

[CaitlinEve]

I'm sure it's frustrating to feel like you're always being interrupted by questions. I don't think that's stupid at all! Maybe you could preface your rant by asking them to hold onto their questions and responses until you're done? I do know that they (much like we) have a duty to make sure you're not an active danger to yourself or others, which may contribute to those interruptions.

At the end of the day, we cannot definitively tell you what happened. That's something you have to dissect and decide for yourself. I will tell you that hating yourself and your response to certain situations is not uncommon with people who have gone through what you describe. It's easy to look back and think about what we could've done in a situation, but when you're actually in the moment it's an entirely different feeling. Things that haunt us, trauma like you describe, has a way of sticking with you and shaping how you react to things in future circumstances as well.

[bbbjjnn]

i know. i was just hoping maybe with just this you could explain if his weird behavior towards me was justified or something because of how we used to be? does our age difference change what could be considered "exploration?" i just feel terrible. i want to be normal around him and never talk to him again at the same time. i really don't like him for what he put me through but i started this relationship so should i really be whining?

[Latha]

Hi Bbbjjnn,

We really can’t say what happened, because we weren’t there, you know? But it isn’t whining to say you feel uncomfortable about things that made you feel uncomfortable. And on an interpersonal level, it okay to choose not to spend time with someone for this reason. You don’t have to justify it all that much, because you get to have boundaries.

Will you be spending time with your cousin in the near future? If you’re having trouble being around him right now, what would you think of taking a break? It might give you some time to sort through these feelings.

i was just hoping maybe with just this you could explain if his weird behavior towards me was justified or something because of how we used to be?

When people talk about consent, you might have heard the idea that consent to one activity doesn’t imply consent to others. It is possible that, as a young child, he was confused. But that doesn’t mean the ways in which he hurt you were justified in any way. If you were not interested, he should have stopped.

I want to return to something in your first post for a moment. When the question is ‘Should I see myself as evil’ the answer is definitively, always, no. I get the sense that when you ask these questions, ‘evil’ means that there is nothing good about you, and you are completely undeserving of any support, care, or consideration. The fact is that this is never true, no matter what happens in life. You are not evil.

Despite how it feels, you do not have to account for every mistake you could have made in life to talk about the things that have hurt you. People deserve support because they need it, not because they’ve never done anything wrong. You don’t need permission here, but I want to invite you to talk about the things that have happened to you. We will listen, we won’t judge, and we will try to help.

[bbbjjnn]

i can share what the game was if it helps.

[KierC]

Hey there bbbjjnn, I’m glad to see you back. I’m sorry that these memories are distressing to you, but I am glad you can talk here.

I think I understand what you mean by the “mom-dad game.” If it would provide you some comfort or be helpful for you to be able to talk about the game, we are here for you. But I definitely hear your pain and distress surrounding what happened, and I want you to know that you are not alone, you are not evil or bad, and you do not deserve to feel scared or not be listened to when you say no.

From what you’ve described, the game was something you asked about and explained beforehand. That doesn’t sound to me like you did anything forceful or controlling, you know? But it sounds like what your cousin did made you feel uncomfortable, and it is not okay for him to do anything to you when you say no or stop. How does hearing that make you feel? Too, did you have any thoughts on some or more of what Latha said?

[bbbjjnn]

yes i get the point. i had already written a message explaining what i understood but i was interrupted and i forgot im sorry. maybe it was something about not trying to see myself so black and white here.
i do feel like i'm going to worry later if i'm too vague about what happened and then i'll feel like i missed a detail that would've helped me understand better so i don't mind explaining the game.
it was like dry humping. out of curiosity because of all the weird shit i saw or had happened to me. the more i think about it i feel like it happened only once and then a few years later he attempted to play again and i hadn't wanted to. i don't think he cared much though.

[KierC]

No worries at all! And I understand what you mean about not wanting to miss details. Listening to you, it sounds like there’s two distinct scenarios that are distressing: there’s the dry humping game that happened, and then there’s the groping. These stand out as distinct to me because, in the game, I’m not hearing that you were forceful or coercive or didn’t listen; whereas the cousin groping and not listening to you is definitely not okay, and it sounds like they made you uncomfortable and fearful. So, I wouldn’t say that you were bad or abusive, or coercive at all. I will say that the cousin groping you is not okay, though. The game you initiated does sound like natural curiosity about bodies, and the groping sounds more fear-inducing. Does that make sense? Too, does the idea of those events being distinct help with thinking about this, or would it help more to talk about something else regarding this?

[bbbjjnn]

i think it helps quite a bit thanks. i understand. i've sort of been grappling with antagonizing him or myself and i realize it doesn't have to be that simple either? i don't have to feel a specific way about the situation i guess. i still feel a little nervous but i think i feel a lot better than i did before i submitted this.

[Latha]

That’s right, it doesn’t have to black and white like that. I’m glad you’re feeling better! Let us know if there is anything else you’d like to talk about.

[bbbjjnn]

im ssorry i want to ask straight up because i am getting confused AGAIN. i know.
but i know incest is inherently abusive. and i know him being younger and me being older and initiating our relationship is terrible. even if i wasn't coercive or mean about it, isn't this grooming in some way.?

[Heather]

We have new piece piece here that I think might help you out: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/c ... if-it-does

[bbbjjnn]

thank you. im so sorry for coming back again and again

[KierC]

Hi bbbjjnn,

You are so welcome. I hope the article helps! Also, it’s totally ok to come back here anytime you have questions or need support! We’re here for that.