Condom usage

[Sandrah]

Hi, I was wondering if I use a condom, it stays on the whole time and then I check it by blowing in it and there's no air escaping am I 100% protected? He didn't even come but I'm worried about precum somehow escaping from the condom like from the base and getting inside me.

[Latha]

Hi there, Sandrah!

You don’t have to worry, because there really is no chance of pregnancy in this situation. You had an intact condom and your partner didn’t even ejaculate. As you may know, precum doesn’t usually contain any sperm, and when it does it has very little - certainly not enough to cause any problems. Condoms are designed to hold pre-ejaculate and ejaculate, so if it hasn’t broken, you can assume it worked as intended.

I was wondering, do you think having a plan for what you would do if you did get pregnant would help you feel less anxious?

[Sandrah]

Hi, I was wondering if I use a condom, it stays on the whole time and then I check it by blowing in it and there's no air escaping am I 100% protected? He didn't even come but I'm worried about precum somehow escaping from the condom like from the base and getting inside me.

[Sandrah]

Sorry, I accidentally reposted the same message. Anyways, I definitely wouldn't carry to term, even the thought terrifies me. I wish I could be more rational about it, my brain makes me think of every small thing that could've gone wrong and I can't be at peace

[Sandrah]

Also, could you clarify something? You said that "precum doesn’t usually contain any sperm, and when it does it has very little - certainly not enough to cause any problems" but I thought that precum,even if rarer, was actually a pregnancy risk. I'm a bit confused

[Heather]

Pre-ejaculate can present a pregnancy risk, but it’s a very small risk because any sperm cells present in pre-ejaculate will be leftovers from a previous ejaculation, which are basically the dregs: they aren’t the best ones or are often enough cells (around 500 are needed for a pregnancy) or enough fluid.

By the way, you do not need to blow into the condom afterwards. When condoms tear, it looks like a busted balloon. You can’t miss it.

[Sandrah]

Oh okay, so it's always noticeable when something hies wrong. I would need to take emergency contraception only if it was completely torn?

[Sofi]

Yep, you would see it's torn and the ejaculate got inside you. Otherwise, especially if the condom looks fine and your partner didn't actually ejaculate, there's no need to worry.

[Sandrah]

I just thought of something (my fault for not making more research before) I thought that the 2% failure rate of condoms was in relation to every instance of sex but it's apparently in a year of usage. Other than that it refers to condoms actually visibly breaking and not to them failing even if there is no visible problem. Is that so? Because that would make it definitely 100% safe in the case where it didn't completely slip off or break. Am I right?

[Andy]

Exactly!

That’s good to hear that the research has helped you understand it and calm your worries. Let us know if you have any other questions or needs!

[Sandrah]

Thank you. I hope I managed to explain myself well, even if some lingering anxiety will probably remain I want to clarify my doubts to know that I'm safe and convince myself of that.

[Andy]

I think it’s important that you realize that it’s your anxiety that it’s making your worried about this and not the actual possibility of a risk. If you want, we can talk about ways how to better manage it going forward.

[Sandrah]

Yes, I think it would really help. My brain is always trying to convince me that I'm at risk by analyzing every smallest possibility, like in this case, microscopic holes in the condom that I didn't notice or precum leaking from the base and getting in me during penetration. No matter how many times I receive confirmation that those aren't real risks I feel unsafe. I need some method to feel sure of my actions

[Andy]

Of course, glad to start brainstorming it with you!

These are the steps our Pregnancy Panic Companion series suggests:

1) Do you know the facts about how pregnancy happens, and what can and cannot present real risks of pregnancy? If not, you can educate yourself here (Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?) or here (Human Reproduction: A Seafarer's Guide)). If you already know the facts, or find that now that you have them, you still feel scared or can’t believe them, then this probably isn’t about a lack of education about reproduction.

2) Do yourself a solid and take any kind of contact that is freaking you out like this off the table ASAP for now (that you can: for instance, if living in a house with family members who have a penis is freaking you out, you can’t very well ask them to leave so you can deal). If you are not in a relationship⁠ where you feel you are allowed to have any limits you need with sex of any kind, that’s a cue you’re not in a healthy relationship or dynamic, or just not yet able to assert yourself enough to manage sexual⁠ activity, so may need to get yourself away from that relationship, period. If you are stuck in a panic about this as a result of sexual abuse⁠ or assault, seeking out therapeutic support for you to learn to manage your feelings post-trauma⁠ will often help.

3) Take some real time – not hours or a few days, but a week or two or even a few months or more, whatever you need – to figure out what you need to have these kinds of contact comfortably and without panic. Only engage in that kind of contact again when you CAN have what you need to be comfortable, whether that’s two methods of contraception, a different partner or kind of relationship, or counseling or therapy to help you with assertiveness, sexual fear or shame or an anxiety disorder.

4) If none of the above has any big impact on your fears over the next few weeks or months, then it’s time to seek out some help from a qualified mental health professional, like a counselor or therapist.

On top of these, we often recommend users to use more then one method of birth control, so if you are worried the first one may fail, you know you have the other backing you up: The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method
We can definitely talk with you about which method would be best for you if you want to.

And lastly, since pregnancy anxiety is a kind of anxiety, the usual techniques for managing it can be really helpful, you can find some strategies you can try on your own here: Anxiety Canada
Additionaly, do you have a therapist/councelor you could talk about this with?

[Sandrah]

Yes I've already been in therapy for a few months and I am currently on medication for anxiety and depression. It's been a big help and I thought I could have a sexual experience without going into panic again but unfortunately it wasn't the case. Other than that therapy is a bit expensive and I haven't been able to go as frequently as I would need to. From now on I will definitely abstain because having this kind of anxiety over sex isn't worth it. Even now as I'm writing this I'm thinking "I really hope I'll be okay and not end up pregnant" and it's honestly like torture for my mind and well being but I also know that continuously searching for reassurance isn't healthy either.

[Sandrah]

My boyfriend is very supportive so the problem isn't communication in the relationship, I think that for me, since I started experiencing with sexual activity at 23 (not to say that it's late because everyone is different but often society ha made me feel like I was always a step behind), maybe it's been a sudden rush of thoughts and fears, I don't know how to explain it well. Does that make sense?

[Heather]

It does make sense. And if you felt pressure to become sexual because you felt behind, that might also have influenced you to do sexual things before you really felt ready, even if that pressure wasn’t coming from your boyfriend.