Taking too long to cum

[Nadia91]

Hi,

It takes me 25 minutes to cum on average when I'm touching my clit. That worries me because it feels like too long. I mean at some point during the 25 min i have to stop and start because the feeling gets too much and my legs just shut. I'm not looking to buy any toys or try penetration.

[KierC]

Hi Nadia,

I want to start by saying that what you’re experiencing is not abnormal. There’s not really an “average” or normal time it takes a person to reach orgasm, and plenty of folks take 25 minutes or even longer to reach orgasm. I wouldn’t say it’s a cause for worry, but it sounds like you feel like it’s too long. Could you say a little more about why this worries you? Is the time it takes bothersome for you, or are you more worried about how long it “should” be taking?

I want to say, too, if you ever feel like the sensation is too much and you need to take a break before you start again, that’s okay! It may be worth considering, too, how you feel during other parts of masturbation leading up to orgasm. Do you feel like you’re rushing towards the finish line, so-to-speak, or are there other thoughts you have that are bothersome?

[Nadia91]

I'm worried because what if someone I'm with thinks I'm taking too long?
Sometimes I feel like I need to make myself finish which obviously pushes the orgasm away, sometimes I end up with random songs in my head.
Even when with someone I find it difficult just not getting in my head.

[KierC]

Ah, yes! I understand you’re concerned about partners thinking you’re taking too long to orgasm. It can be really nerve-wracking sometimes when you feel like you need to orgasm in a certain timeframe, let alone doing so for somebody else. Honestly, if a partner were rushing you into orgasm or making you feel like you’re not reaching orgasm fast enough, that’s maybe not the most understanding partner, know what I mean? Orgasm is not a performance for anybody, and it’s not something that “needs” to happen before sex stops. But I see what you mean about the expectation of orgasm perhaps getting in the way of actually having the orgasm, where feeling like you need to finish makes it harder to actually finish. Here’s an article that might provide a helpful perspective with this:

Sexual Response & Orgasm: A User’s Guide: This article illustrates that there are multiple phases of sexual response, orgasm being just one, brief phase. Taking orgasm out of focus, instead just appreciating any pleasurable feelings that arise throughout all the phases of sexual response, may help to ease the feeling that orgasm is the most important part.

I also want to ask, can you identify any reasons why you feel pressure to orgasm? Sometimes it can help to identify the source(s) of the pressure and better examine it from there.

[Nadia91]

Well earlier I messaged a guy which seemed to have triggered my worry. Basically 18 months back he went down, got my legs seriously shakey, my body very warm but then I didn't cum, but then he made a comment of being down there for 30 minutes, and that seems to have stuck.

Also I compare myself to him as he doesn't have any issues at all. I mean when he's in the mood, nothing at all distracts him. But with me, I've just really started to cum last year. I mean I did cum a few times the year before, bt I guess seeing him or hearing him over the phone made me initially think there's something wrong with me when I wasn't cumming at all.

[KierC]

Agh, I’m so sorry to hear that comment was made to you. If a partner is giving you oral and they become tired or want to stop, they could just say that and stop. It’s nobody’s place to make comments about how long it takes you to reach orgasm.

I’ll say, too, there are plenty of people out there who do enjoy giving oral sex for longer sessions, or enjoy taking a break and coming back to it. Good partners will understand that sex isn’t a race to orgasm, it can rather be more like a leisurely walk with intermittent breaks and running around here and there… analogy aside, my point is that sex can be a lot more exploratory and fun than racing to an orgasm.

How does hearing all that make you feel?

[Nadia91]

I get that it can be fun, I mean logically I understand it. But emotionally it's different. I mean I become stressed and overthink masterbation now and it's funny because I never made any kind of comments to him.

[KierC]

I hear you that in practice it feels different. What does it feel like emotionally to you?

It sounds like this guy’s comments stung a bit. It can feel really stressful to be rushed, or to have someone expect an involuntary response to happen in their timeframe; and even more crappy when it’s with something intimate and personal like sexual response. I’m wondering if it might be helpful to do some activities to briefly distance yourself from the expectation of orgasm, perhaps both during masturbation and in your regular life by doing things that feel good in your body. How do you feel about that, and are there things you like to do that might help reconnect with the good feelings?

[Nadia91]

what do you mean?

[Latha]

Hi Nadia,

Here is what I think Kier means: if you've been stressed about how long it takes for you to orgasm, why not try to remove that pressure entirely? Orgasms are great, but they are only one part of what makes sex pleasurable. Try to masturbate without making orgasm a goal or expecting it — just focus on sensations that feel good to you in the moment. If orgasm happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it is fine. Outside of sex, you could also spend some time on activities that feel good physically. This may help you reconnect with your body in positive ways.

[Nadia91]

Hi, I'm responding to this as I've realised the issue is I can't mentally relax.
My room is right between the other bedrooms, so can't really be moaning. Also I struggle to clear my mind and focus purely on the sensation. So it feels like let's say I'm doing circular motions on my clit, it'll feel good, then I'll think I'm about to cum then lose the orgasm. So I have to start again. Also, lately I've been in the process of touching myself, felt my face really heat up, tension round my stomach, then I just stop touching myself then feel contractions down there very shortly after, but they don't start as I'm touching myself.

Is that an orgasm? Afterwards I feel happier, but I think that feeling is knowing I've felt the contractions. I used to feel so sleepy afterwards and relaxed, and really let go so I'd be able to moan, but lately I can't so contractions don't feel as strong and I don't have that really relaxed or giddy after feeling

[HannahP]

Hi Nadia! That makes a lot of sense — feeling uncomfortable with your surroundings, trying to stay quiet, and feeling self-conscious are all things that make it hard for most people to orgasm! I know that it can be really tough to stop feeling that way, though, especially when you live with other people. Is there any chance you could try to find a time when everyone else is out of the house/not in their bedrooms? I think that if you felt more comfortable in your space, it would help a lot.

As for what you're describing, that does sound like an orgasm to me — it's possible to orgasm without the stimulation touching yourself, especially if you stop touching only just before the point of climax. But orgasms can feel a range of different ways and some can be quite weak. Continuing to touch through your orgasm could make them feel stronger. Is there a reason you haven't been doing that?

[Nadia91]

I think it's literally that I have to control my reactions, which is what makes me stop, or it gets too sensitive, or I go into observer mode, so I'm very aware that my whole body is shaking or whatever
I mean for me moaning is such a turn on.

[HannahP]

Okay, I think I understand — you are stopping and starting because you are trying to stay quiet and in control of your body? It really does make sense that this makes your orgasm take longer! For many people, feeling relaxed and "letting go" mentally is a very important part of staying aroused enough to orgasm and monitoring your body so carefully is definitely getting in the way of that!

Do you think there's any way you could make your space more comfortable for you? For example, I mentioned choosing a time when other people are out of the house, or maybe you could try masturbating in the bathroom while the shower or bath is running, or in your room with music or a tv show playing?

Here's an article that covers some of this stuff as well: How to Get Comfortable

[Nadia91]

Yes! I think this is partly it. I think I'm very aware of the facial expressions I make. I mean yesterday I was touching myself in such a way that my whole body was shaking, and I was aware of it, but not aware of how the shaking made me feel, hence that observer mode. Basically I want to get that all over body feeling which they talk about in novels

[KierC]

Hi Nadia! It’s great to see you back here, but I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling badly about this, and that it’s taking longer to orgasm due to the observer mode/heightened awareness. It sounds to me like the awareness of your reactions during masturbation is a bit distressing. When you say you’re aware of the facial expressions you make, do you mean you’re worried about what you might look like, or is it something else?

Looking back at the older posts in this thread, I also see that you’re living in between other bedrooms, so privacy while masturbating at home might be a concern as well. I want to send you this article that addresses privacy concerns at home: Deep Cover: Tips For Managing Anxiety or Privacy Worries When Masturbating At Home. The first section, “You won’t be screaming out in ecstasy,” feels more relevant to your concerns. How does that all sound to you?

[Nadia91]

That article is useful. Thinking about it I have had general phone calls with friends and watched films (non x rated) till late at night without my family knowing.
So with my face, I'm worried that I don't look relaxed enough.
I mean when I wasn't so aware, I didn't care about my facial expressions.
Just to get this off my chest, my legs will start shaking after I start touching myself, my clit will start to feel like its tensing up, as will my stomach, so I know I'm close, but then I feel like I need to hold back which is when I stop touching myself. I don't feel contractions or that release, so I then have to start again, then the 2nd time I stop shortly after I'll feel the contractions, but I feel like I'm thinking about them before they start.

Someone above mentioned having that time alone with my family is out. Lol I'm never home alone. The last time I was, it was during my working hours

[KierC]

Ah, I hear you that there’s not a time when you’re home alone. I can understand how that might be frustrating, particularly when you feel more aware of your reactions. I do think, as others said above, it’s easiest and most pleasurable to masturbate when you’re already feeling relaxed and aroused. Have you tried engaging with different types of media, or something that you can look to while you masturbate that could distract you from your own reactions?

[Nadia91]

Erm not really in a while.
I mean the above does sound like an orgasm right?

[KierC]

It’s okay if that’s not your thing, I was mostly wondering if there was some way to draw your attention away from the reactions. Maybe reframing the reactions could help too, if you’re concerned about what things “should” look like/sound like/etc.?

What you’ve described above (the part about the contractions, when you tried it for the second time) does actually sound like an orgasm, but I do hear you that it is maybe less intense than expected. Orgasms don’t always feel the same, and while they’re usually spoken about as this mind-blowing, earth-shattering event (and they certainly can be sometimes!), orgasms can sometimes also be a little more like a quick sneeze or a fleeting but pleasureful feeling. How does hearing that land with you?

[Nadia91]

Yeah, tbh I want to experience the one where every inch of your body feels it

[KierC]

I hear you on that! You know, if the goal is to feel more pleasure throughout your body, I think the best steps toward that are:
(1) Make sure you’re relaxed and aroused before beginning sexual activity,
(2) Explore different erogenous zones, maybe even incorporating different types of touches or rhythms and seeing if anything piques more interest, and
(3) Approach any sexual exploration with curiosity instead of expectation or judgment. I hear you say that you’re worried about what your face might look like, or what your body is doing in response, or when the orgasm will happen; and while you’re definitely not alone in worrying about these things, they’re not so conducive to feeling full-body pleasure, you know?