Sometimes I feel like I like my boyfriend more than he likes me

[Mitzi!!]

Hi! My question is about some feelings I've been having in my relationship lately. For context, I've been dating my boyfriend for 6ish months and he is a pretty laid back person.

Tonight I went over to his dorm to hang out and we kissed and cuddled a bit, just enjoying being close. After doing that for about an hour, he told me he felt like it was time for me to go home. I suggested I could just do my homework there so we could still hang out. Then, he joked that he would carry me out if he had to. I know he was joking, but it stung a little! And I guess I felt kind of offended by it.

So then (and sorry if this is confusing, I'm not exactly sure how to explain it) we kept joking? I insisted I was going to start doing my homework, and he put his headphones on and went to his computer and said he was going to ignore me and play video games. It was kind of like we were both trying to fake the other out—both pretending we didn’t care. But even with the joking, it still felt bad. We sat in silence doing our things for about 20 minutes, not really connecting, until I finally said “ok, this feels bad. I’m gonna go.” And started to pack up.

The thing is, we don’t get a lot of time together. And whenever we do, I always feel like it’s over too quickly or that I’m wanting more than he does. On the other hand, he always seems fine with the amount of time we spend—or maybe even like he would be fine with less. Another thing is that he never calls me--I'm always the one that calls him. I've asked him multiple times if he could do it more, in fact I was really direct, along the lines of like this: "I love it when you call me. It makes me feel so connected to you, and I would love if you could try and do it more." But he still really only calls me when I remind him/ask him to. At the same time, he is always on his phone when we're together, and it sucks because I constantly have to ask him to get off of it.

I actually asked him if he thought I was clingy. He said yes—but also said that he likes it? I don't like the feeling that there’s this imbalance between how much we want to be around each other. I don’t want to be that person who overwhelms their partner, but I also don’t want to feel unwanted or like I’m chasing someone who I'm in a relationship with

When I left, I was feeling kind of frustrated and disappointed and didn’t say much. It was cold and dark, and I had to bike home alone, which didn’t help the way I was already feeling. I don’t really know what to make of our interaction today, except that it left me feeling really bad and confused about the way I feel!

[Jacob]

Hi Mitzi!

I have to admit it sounds like you guys aren't getting along as well as you'd hope, and while I can't speak to how much he likes you, there is a clear disparity between how much attention you're paying to each-other.

I'll also say that it sounds like you've already expressed what you want to change in the relationship and it hasn't happened.

Admittedly, I'm also hearing that you have been pushing his boundaries to hopefully change his reaction - I wouldn't have expected that to work, and definitely wouldn't recommend it, but by the sounds of it, that was unhelpful so hopefully you can avoid that in future.

You said -

I also don’t want to feel unwanted or like I’m chasing someone who I'm in a relationship with

- but by the sounds of it, that is how you're feeling in this relationship.

Does that mean you want to end it? Can we help you with doing that?

[Mitzi!!]

Hi Jacob!! Thank you so much for your response!

I was pretty frustrated when I wrote my post last night, and it felt great to just vent a bit about the problems in my relationship. But I don’t want to end it! I know breaking up is always an option, but I don’t think I’m there.

I wanted to clarify that now I think it’s not so much the specific interaction last night that made me feel bad, but more what it brought up for me. I'm still trying to figure out why it felt so weird but I think it was those feelings bubbling over (that I often find myself wanting more time, more communication, and more connection than he seems to need)

I’m not sure I’ve really communicated all of this clearly to him. You're right, I have told him I’d love if he called me more, and while he agreed, it hasn’t really changed. But beyond that it's possible he doesn't fully get how important that emotional closeness is to me. It seems really hard to communicate that without seeming like I'm being needy ("clingy"). Is that reasonable? Should I just try and match his energy, and dial back my own effort/affection?

Thank you so much. Any advice on how I could address this--or even just how to better understand my own reaction--would mean a lot!

[Latha]

Hello Mitzi!

I think it is unsurprising that last night’s interaction would have brought up some weird feelings for you. It seems like another instance in an imbalanced pattern between you two, one that you’ve been trying to address for some time now. Wanting more connection, communication, and time together than your partner doesn’t make you overly needy. I mean, it isn’t wrong to have needs, even if a disparity might indicate issues with compatibility. And while matching another person’s energy can be a useful strategy, I don’t think it should come at the cost of ignoring these needs.

Though it’s possible he hasn’t understood how important the changes you’ve requested are to you, I don’t think that is because of a problem with how you’ve communicated. "I love it when you call me. It makes me feel so connected to you, and I would love if you could try and do it more." is both clear and kind. Ultimately, a relationship is something people build together. It isn’t something that you have to fix and manage by doing all the right things and saying all the right words.

I don’t want to be pessimistic. You know your relationship better than I do - if breaking up isn’t an option that you’re considering, that is alright. I want to ask: what do you like about your partner, and about your relationship?

[Mitzi!!]

Hey guys!!

There are lots of things I like about my boyfriend. I feel so content and safe when I’m with him. He's really nice, I like his sense of humor, and I feel like we mesh so well together. I love being around him! I do not feel ready to break up at all. But I do maybe feel like there are some feelings I need to work through (or communicate to him) so we can be on the same page.

Lately, I've been wondering if I *am* too attached/clingy. The time we get to spend together as a couple is actually probably pretty reasonable and average, maybe even more than most. I see him every other day, 4 times a week, for 2 or 3 hours at a time when usually we'll get lunch/dinner at the dining hall and chill and watch a movie or some tv in my dorm lounge. When I *think* about the fact that we see each other every other day, it seems really reasonable. So I don't know why I still feel like I need more, like it's not enough time. Like I'm always counting down the time until I see him again. We've talked about it before--he thinks it's a reasonable amount of time, and feels fine with the amount of time we spend together while I still have these feelings like it's not enough.

He's also been pledging to a fraternity for the past month so he doesn’t have as much time to hang out (we can't do as many things on weekends or weeknights) which is lame! But it is what it is. I'm happy for him because he's making new friends.

I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings without either burying them or accidentally putting pressure on him. I don’t want to feel like the clingy girlfriend who needs constant reassurance, I guess I just want to find a better way to express all of this—my desire for more connection, my insecurity around feeling like I want more than he does—without sounding like I’m criticizing him or asking for too much. Does that make sense? How should I navigate this?

Thanks for reading, and for any advice <3

[Heather]

Hey there, Mitzi.

It sounds like your boyfriend's life is pretty full. Before I add anything else, can I ask about yours? When you and he aren't talking or hanging out, what are you doing, and how engaged are you in your other relationships and parts of your life besides your relationship and time with him?

Sometimes when we're feeling the way you're expressing, it can be in part (or in whole, but I think there are also other issues at hand in this particular situation) because we lack other close relationships to get and share some of the things we do in any kind of close relationship (like love and connection), or lack other things in our lives that really capture our passion and interest.

[Mitzi!!]

Hi Heather!!

First of all, thank you so much for response! I just want to say I love your essays and your work so much. Scarleteen has helped me so much in navigating my sexuality, relationship and more. Much love to you and the other wonderful moderators here on the Scarleteen team!!!

As for your question—I have a few other friends, but no one I like hanging out with as much as him. Ugh, that sounds so sad! I never thought I would be a girl whose life revolves around her boyfriend but I guess that’s what this probably sounds like. As I said, it’s both our first year in college, and we met pretty much the first week of school! We started dating a few weeks after that—gosh, actually, when I think about it, neither of us had explored college that much at all before we met each other, we’ve pretty much experienced everything together since then. And my closest friends from high school are still in my hometown and now I’m far away; I guess it’s true I’ve been lonely.

I do have relationships besides him though, even though he might be the priority. I’d say I have one really close friend here. Most recently I’ve been doing a once-weekly D&D campaign with her and some of my other new friends, and THAT has definitely been the most fun I’ve had since I’ve been at college!! But I definitely don’t invest as much into those relationships as I have with my bf.

Oof. This feels like a really important realization, although I’m not quite sure what to make of it. Thank you again for your response!

[Heather]

Thanks for the sweet compliments! I’m so glad my work and our work has been so valuable to you!

This also doesn’t sound sad to me, but it does sound pretty typical. I feel like it often happens with college that we kind of lob on fast to one person and then with everything else it asks of us, between that relationship and all those other things, it can be easy not to see our social circle hasn’t expanded much past that one person.

Maybe at least invest some more time with this other friend? Can you grow the campaign you’re doing to include more people, perhaps?

(Btw, one of my oldest and dearest friends works at Wizards of the Coast!)

[Mitzi!!]

Hi Heather!!

Thank you so so much for giving me a way to reframe this. I think it's true, that I’m asking someone to fill too big of a space and feeling constantly anxious or disappointed when they can’t. And that I’ve been so focused on trying to “fix” those feelings by getting more from my bf that I haven’t really looked at how little else I’ve been pouring energy into lately.

My D&D group has been such a bright spot lately (it's so cool that your friend works at Wizards of the Coast, by the way!! That sounds like the best place to work ever, I'm so jealous). I want to lean into that more, and I can definitely try and hang out with my new friend more. I guess since we only have a few weeks left in the school year, I'm partly having this feeling like I've screwed that part of my year up but I will try and make some changes in these final weeks.

So I definitely am realizing that's a big part of what’s been confusing and upsetting for me. Also—about what you said, that there are other issues at hand in this situation beyond the loneliness or lack of connection elsewhere--would you be able to say what you were noticing or thinking about there, if it's okay?

[Heather]

Mark loooooooooooooooooves his job. Loves it. And my current partner also is a former D&D kid, and when they met, interviewed him about his work like he was a celebrity, it was amazing.

The first year of college has SO much in it. If you haven't been away from home before or living on your own, there are those parts. Then there's getting to know all of your physical space and location, on campus and off. Then there are academics. Then there's the social aspect. And yep, for a lot of people, often a big romantic or sexual relationship, sometimes the very first one, and if not the very first, often the first totally on your own terms, rather than how it is when you're living at home with parents or guardians. All of those things somehow getting your equal attention would be nothing short of a miracle, truly.

Per both my comment about the lack of connection and yours about regretting you didn't invest more in your friendships, maybe right now is actually a perfect time to tel that one friend or your gaming group how much you value them and how you'd like to get closer? Just because the school year is ending doesn't mean you can't keep in touch. Long distance relating is so much easier in 2025 than it's been in previous eras, after all. What about even continuing your campaign over the summer on Zoom or Discord?

[Mitzi!!]

Thank you again for everything you've shared so far. Your responses (and everyone else's here too!) have given me a lot to think about, and I’ve been sitting with it over the past few days. I understand now how much I’ve been leaning on this relationship since I haven’t felt super connected elsewhere lately. I do want to lean more into my friendships, especially this D&D group, which has been such a wonderful space. The idea of staying connected over the summer (Discord is a great idea!) makes me really excited.

That said, I also wanted to talk about something that just happened, bc I think there are also still some things happening within the relationship that I’m struggling with.

Yesterday, I had a day out with friends and was genuinely in a great mood. I texted my boyfriend throughout a few little updates and things that reminded me of him, and he barely responded. He was at an event with his frat for part of that day (they performed a dance!), and I get that he was busy, but it still felt really sad to be kind of left hanging like that. I called him later that night and he said he was out with his frat and would call me back later, but he didn’t.

The next day, he called me back, but only after I called him first in the afternoon. Honestly by then, (3pm) it felt like an afterthought. I know it’s not about one call, but it brought be back to that recurring feeling. I feel terrible, like I'm chasing him down I guess.

When we finally got on call, I ended up sounding really dejected. I told him I wished he’d called me sooner, and I asked him if he could plan something for us to do after my midterm on Wednesday. Worst of all, I told him I couldn’t hang out much this week until then because of my midterm (which is true—but also, I think I said it more out of frustration). I think he was confused by my reaction and maybe a little frustrated, too.

I feel really bad because I know my reaction wasn't fair (being frustrated and distant) but I do still wish he would invest a bit more time and emotional energy into the relationship. Like I mentioned earlier in the thread, he’s not a great texter/initiator. And while I try to be understanding of that, I think it’s starting to feel like a bigger part of what leaves me feeling disconnected. I guess I'm struggling to figure out what’s a “me” thing (like needing to build a bigger support system) and what could be a relationship thing, like not feeling fully paid attention to sometimes. I want to talk to him about this but I'm not sure how to express my feelings clearly, or if that's even fair.

I'm definitely going to keep building my connections outside the relationship—I think you're right that doing that will help give me more clarity/stability, and that is a huge part of the situation. I know it’s hard to give advice when you don’t know him or our relationship very well, and sorry if this is kind of messy. But if you’re willing, I’d really appreciate any perspective you or others have on the situation and how to better navigate that conversation with him. Thank you again for creating such a supportive space. It really means a lot to me!

[Heather]

Hey, Mitzi.

Honestly, I think there are two things at the root of this:
1) You want an actually intimate relationship and what it often involves, including both people in that relationship being excited and wanting to share their daily lives, to be in touch, and to be deeply involved in the other person's life and feelings, and,
2) Your current partner doesn't seem to be interested in that. Whether he's just not interested in that with you or he isn't interested, period, I can't say, but my gut says it's the latter. I strongly suspect that if he actually wanted an actually intimate relationship with someone, he'd be more responsive, he'd initiate more, etc.

If I'm right, this isn't fixable, because he can't make himself want to do things he just doesn't or make himself want a kind of relationship it doesn't sound like he's actually interested in, especially the parts that involve effort on his part.

Can I ask for you to take a few minutes and check in with me about what IS or has been great for you in this relationship and why you keep putting so much work into it and want to hang on to it? In other words, are there reasons you haven't moved on alreadty even though you've been unhappy for a while and felt disconnected for a while and not seen progress in changing things that aren't good for a while?