Insecure over sex

[Idk6156]

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years now, and not once in our relationship has she finished. When she told me this I was pretty shocked but then tried my best to try and help her finish. No matter what I tried I either wasn’t good enough or she didn’t like it. I tried rubbing her clit but it’s a bit hard to find and she just ends up pushing my hand back down to her vagina. She says oral feels like nothing. She likes fingering but she doesn’t finish from it. She can finish on her own with her vibrator so I did my best to silence my stupid make ego and suggested we incorporate it in bed which she wasn’t really all to enthusiastic about either. Eventually after awhile I started to get really insecure about my ability to perform. If she’s not cumming then I’m not really satisfying her. If I can’t satisfy her and the vibrator by itself can I feel like what’s the point of me. I opened up to her with my concerns, and she’d tell me that it’s fine or it’s not a big deal or it will happen eventually or I don’t care but I feel like she’s either only saying that cuz she has only experienced sex with me or she’s just trying to be nice (god bless her heart). Either way it feels like I’m not enough or nearly as good as other options so I’ve basically lost all confidence when it comes to sex. I’ve also stopped coming to her about this cuz I don’t want to make her feel pressured and I feel like I’ve brought it up one to many times, but now I’ve got no one to talk to about this. I guess I’m looking for ways to feel more confident in myself in that aspect or feel less insecure.

[Latha]

Hi Idk156!

Welcome to the boards, and thanks for coming here from our text line! It’s clear this is bothering you a lot, so I’m glad you came to talk to us.

If I can’t satisfy her and the vibrator by itself can I feel like what’s the point of me.

What a striking statement! As a partner and as a person, you have value beyond your ability to ‘provide’ orgasms. I understand that you’re worried that your partner must not be satisfied, but satisfaction in sex (and in a relationship more broadly) often isn’t just about orgasms. Climax is not the only or even necessarily the most important part of sex - it only lasts a moment.

You’ve mentioned that this is hard to believe - that orgasming is very important to you, and you wouldn’t feel satisfied if you didn’t orgasm. You’re being very considerate here, but this isn’t a universal experience. Many people have pleasurable sex even when they don’t orgasm, and a person can have very unsatisfying and unpleasurable sex and still orgasm. Whether your partner orgasms doesn’t say much at all about your worth as a partner. What is important is your care for her, which you’ve shown a great deal of.

I’m hearing that you’ve tried to make changes to no avail, since your partner doesn’t seem interested. That is not particularly surprising. In order for these changes to work, your partner has to be just as invested in the process as you - you have to collaborate.

It would be nice to have a picture of what your partner wants, of what kind of sexual relationship she wants to have - that would make it easier to identify where’re the mismatch between you two is coming from. Do you think you could say a little about your relationship outside of sex? Do you feel like you communicate well, and enjoy your time together? Do you feel valued and cared for in your relationship?

[Idk6156]

I think we communicate decently well, and I’d hope she enjoys her time with me. I feel more valued and cared for than any previous relationship but I’ll admit that is not a high bar.

[KierC]

Hey there,

I hear you that the bar for value and care may not be so high after previous relationships. I am sorry to hear that that’s the case, and we’re here for you if you’d like to talk about that as well. Briefly separating this relationship from others, though, do you feel like *you* are happy in this relationship, and do you feel satisfied with how things are going?

Too, did you have any reactions to what Latha said about pleasure and satisfaction often not being necessarily about orgasm?

[Idk6156]

I love her and I’m happy with that it’s just that the whole situation makes me really insecure and ashamed. I mean it’s kinda common to make fun of guys that can’t get their partner to finish, hell my gf even said she probably would have done so in the past, but now that it’s with me she “understands now”. I’m a bit of a cynic so I don’t really buy the orgasm isn’t the most important part.

[Latha]

Hello again, Idk6156!

I’m glad to hear that you’re happy in your relationship!

I think people who make fun of guys who can’t ’make’ their partners orgasm have good intentions - they are trying to challenge certain unhelpful norms around heterosexual sex. For these conversations, the orgasm gap is a simple and convenient measure that points towards a deeper problem - the idea that men in heterosexual relationships don’t have to care about their partner’s pleasure and satisfaction, and that it is wrong for women to ask for anything different. Unfortunately, the framework that these people are using is an oversimplification, and it seems like they haven’t noticed all the other issues with the way they think about sex.

It makes sense that your girlfriend has adjusted her thoughts about this after being with you - it was probably an object lesson that a partner’s interest in her pleasure is not the only factor that determines whether she orgasms. It would be unfair for her to blame you when it seems quite evident that you do care about her enjoyment.

The fact is that orgasms are not things we can give to or get out of another person. On our own, or with a partner, we can try to create the circumstances make them more likely, but there is no formula that makes them guaranteed every time, or even at all. This is because our bodies and minds are not machines - they are organic. So much of what causes something like an orgasm isn’t in your (or her) direct control. As such, whether your partner orgasms can’t be a reflection of your worth as a partner. What does matter in that regard is your respect and care for her pleasure.

You must know that the cultures we live in can have a lot of limited ideas about how sexuality works. We are taught that sex is only good if it happens in certain ways, and we are given some very repressive standards for how people must be. This picture, where you can fail to ‘give’ your partner an orgasm, and where that makes you a worse partner, puts far too much pressure on you, and just isn’t based in the reality of how people’s bodies work. Human beings are incredibly diverse, and so are the ways in which we have sex. Despite how important orgasms seem, we really can’t say that sex is only good when someone orgasms.

I get the sense that what we’re saying here is very different from the messages you’ve heard elsewhere. It’s fair that you’re skeptical, so I appreciate that you’re talking the time to consider a different view. What do you think about this so far?

[Jacob]

I think I have something small to add here.

When I combine the two things you said 1. Wanting to feel valued but having a low bar for that, 2. Finding value in your ability to help* bring someone to orgasm (*your actions may help but it's her body that makes the orgasm!) - it sounds like there is still some need to feel valued here?

- I wonder if you could speak to your partner about other ways you think you could both help eachother feel valued? Maybe broadening the conversation instead of focusing on orgasm could make it feel like less of a repetition of previous conversations!

[Idk6156]

On what Latha said, idk about the intentions thing. What I was talking about is how people will make fun of or like ridicule someone who couldn’t help their partner orgasm. Which would also include someone like me regardless of whether I care or not.

[Idk6156]

In regards to what Jacob said, yes I very much agree that I still look for validation probably due to treatment in the past. However, I actually have brought up other things I wished she could do which could also provide validation like compliments or physical affection, but she doesn’t really give me much of either.

[Jacob]

I see!

So, if she's responding to this way to what you need and have been explicitly asking for in this relationship - this might be time to think about whether this relationship is right for you anymore!

Until now, when speaking to us, you've framed a lot of this around what you are giving her, but it doesn't sound like there's much she's giving you (emotionally.) Really we'd want you both to be sharing in excellent feelings within this relationship, and it doesn't sound like that'll happen if she's not joining you in trying to fix this.

The idea of you asking for things she can do so you can feel cared for, and being rebuffed every time sounds very cold and heartbreaking. I'd understand feeling very lonely in this relationship, and it pains me to hear you are in the middle of it!

Unless she can begin caring for you and how you are feeling, I wouldn't advise staying in the relationship for your own long term well-being.

Maybe, if you're willing to try again I'd talk less about specific requests but more try to open a longer conversation about how you're struggling to feel valued, being real about how this may end the relationship, and ask her if that's something she feels too. There is a chance that a more open-ended conversation could help her understand how important this is and begin real change, but if not, I think it's worth remembering that you can also look to yourself for validation and valuing yourself.

You are already valuable and more than worthy of receiving care and affection from the people you're in relationship with. Your inherent value is a plenty good enough reason to allow yourself to refuse a relationship where you're being rejected from basic care and affection. Sometimes ending a relationship, or considering ending it for our own wellbeing can be the way we show ourselves affection and rebuild our self-worth over time.

[Idk6156]

Yeah I’m not really new to feeling lonely. All my previous relationships, not to make this super long, were not great. Cheating, ghosting, leading on, etc. So I’m hesitant to even consider breaking up cuz she didn’t do those things and treated me with the respect others didn’t. Additionally, I don’t want to paint her as all bad. Before she was more affectionate without me having to ask, she would give compliments, and she just seemed more loving. Now it’s more like we’re just friends, but even so she treated me better than the rest and showed me love that the others didn’t.

[Heather]

You know, sometimes when our previous relationships have always REALLY sucked, it can be easy for something that's just less sucky to seem like it's the best we can do or the best we'll get, or like we somehow owe someone staying in something because they treat us with basic human decency. Just someone not treating you poorly isn't actually a great reason to stay together, especially if you just don't seem to be a good fit, or if it feels like something that started strong seems to be fading as it goes on. <3

[Idk6156]

I get where you’re coming from but she was wonderful in the past and I don’t want to make it seem as if she’s cold or anything she’s just not necessarily loving like I am. She’s also made me cry from the nice things she’s done like getting me a nice birthday present or giving me my first Valentine’s Day experience, she even got me flowers once. I do prefer emotional intimacy over gifts but atleast she did something nice. I don’t want to feel as though I’m turning my back on the one decent relationship I’ve ever had.

[Heather]

I don’t think anyone is assuming she is cold or a bad person.

No one has to be those things for us to simply be a poor fit over time, or for something that started great (as a lot of new relationships will) to turn out to be not-great as the relationship goes on. Too, it also sounds like you lost your sexual confidence in this relationship to a degree and in a way where that's turned into a kind of ick you just can't shake. I'm not super surprised, because the combo of the beliefs you have had (and maybe still have) about your sexual utility and a partner's sexual response and her not telling you any of this for years while you were sexual the whole time (which is a pretty trust-busting thing) seems like a perfect recipe for that, unfortunately.

Can you recognize that just because this is the first decent relationship you have had that, with you only being 18 and so still very new to all of this, and with a lot of life left, that there are probably still many relationships ahead of you, potentially including some where you are a better fit and your needs can be better met? And where you don’t have this long history of you and your partner not really connecting well when it comes to sex — or communication and feelings about it — from the sounds of it? (And maybe also recognize that if you get yourself and all your energy stuck in a relationship that isn’t great for you, you may well miss out on others that are?)

[Heather]

I want to also add that we can change a relationship without leaving the person we are in it with. It sounds like this isn’t a good fit for you as a romantic relationship, but, for example, it might be something you could change and grow into a wonderful platonic friendship.