Ejaculating in mouth

[Livingmytruth]

I’ve been intimate with a man for the last couple of months and it’s felt great. He looks me in the eyes, strokes my hair, and is intentional with his movements. He’s made me feel really good and cared for. Recently, he revealed to me that he fantasizes about coming in my mouth. He asked me to let him cum in my mouth. I think he wants me to swallow it. He said I'll like it because it tastes good. I believe that it won't taste bad like other men I've been with, because he takes care of himself and eats very clean. That said, I don't feel a "full body yes" to this idea and I'm really trying to listen to my own needs. Maybe, I'll be comfortable and want to do it one day but not right now. I have had an aversion to this with past partners and would gag and get really grossed out when they try. Then, I feel bad because I'm sure it hurts them to see me rejecting them in a way. I haven't clearly told my current sexual partner "no" but I stopped asking him to hang out since he's told me what he wants. I'm afraid he'll get mad if I say no. But, I don't want to be with someone who would get mad at me about that anyway.

I've also felt that the act of coming in someone's mouth is a form of domination. Although I am submissive and receptive to him during sex, I don't want to be dominated to that extreme. And, I really don't want sperm in my mouth. Maybe if I was in love with him and this was a long term committed relationship and I felt 100% accepted and safe in the relationship…

Can you please share your thoughts on this? I’d also like advice on how to express this to him.

[Andy]

Hello again and thank you for moving this over from text!

I want to reiterate what I’ve already told you there, that it’s great that you are aware what is your body and mind signalling you and I want to encourage you to listen to them. You shouldn’t have to, nor feel like you do, to do anything sexual you don’t want to, no matter if it is a committed relationship or not.

You mentioned you are worried he might be mad at you if you say no and I absolutely agree that a partner who would get mad at your for this wouldn’t be a good or even a safe one. Why do you think he might react like that, has something similar happened before?

As for how to express it, this article contains some examples as well as many other useful information: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

And lastly, there is no definite evidence about a certain lifestyle or diet altering the taste of sperm, and taste is very individual anyway. And as for whether something is dominating or submissive, that depends solely on the given situation and how do the people in it perceive it. But neither of this changes anything about the fact that if you aren’t comfortable doing this and don’t want to, you shouldn’t have to.

[Heather]

I want to also just echo something you said so you can see it in a different context:

I really don't want sperm in my mouth.

I don't think you could be more clear about how you feel here. You know how you feel, and you know it isn't something you want. Not only are you not at a full-bodied yes, you seem to be at a full-throated no. And with a partner who is someone ready to be a partner, that sentence right there? "I really don't want sperm in my mouth," should be all you need to say and that person's response should just be some version of a very easy, affirming, "Okay, I understand." <3

Just FYI, if we are going to have sexual partners, most of us are going to have things we want to do that they don't. I personally don't think of it as rejection, because I think of finding what we want together as just looking for affinity, and the places where we don't mesh being places where affinity just isn't there. But even if it feels like rejection, managing those feelings is something we all have to learn how to do if we are going to be with people sexually, because people ARE going to say no or not-like-that to things we want or like, or not be into things we're into. I'd say being able to handle that is part of the cost of entry of being sexual with other people, you know?

[Livingmytruth]

Thank you both for your reply. Recently, this same person asked if I wanted a video of him while we were sexting. I said yes. He asked me for a video of me afterward but I told him I don’t feel comfortable sending videos of myself. He pleaded with me but I was steadfast in my “no”. To soften the blow, I told him he’d have to “wait for the real thing.” To which he replied, “nope.” He can be quite moody so I’m not really sure how to take his last comment. Any ideas on how to proceed? I haven’t responded to his text.

[KierC]

Hey there Livingmytruth,

I hope it’s ok that I hope in briefly, but I’ve been following along in this thread. I am glad you said no when you felt uncomfortable, but I hear you that it was hard to fully say no. It also sounds to me like his “no” was a pretty direct denial of your boundaries, where as a sexual partner we never, ever want to disregard someone when they say they don’t want to do something. How does hearing that make you feel?

[Heather]

I also just want to say: this person is showing you clearly they are not a safe partner. My best advice would be to proceed by starting to make a strategy to leave this relationship or, at least, not be in any situation with this person anymore which is or could become sexual.

[Livingmytruth]

Thank you. What are the ways he is showing me he is clearly not a safe partner?

[Latha]

Hi there, Livingmytruth!

I also agree with Kier and Heather: with the behaviour you’ve described, this person does not seem like a safe partner.

Here is how I understand it: Saying you are uncomfortable sharing a video of yourself is a fair and clear boundary. The proper way to respond to someone saying no in a situation like this is to respect their limits, and work on finding things you do want to do together. ‘Pleading’ sounds nice, but in practice, this looks like this person was trying to pressure you, emotionally, into changing your mind. This is not a good habit, and does not make him seem like a good partner. You’ve also mentioned that he can be moody, and you mentioned that you were worried that he might get mad at you for expressing a limit around ejaculation earlier. That makes sense: replying ‘nope’ when someone asks you to wait in this context does not seem like a mature or kind reaction.

If this is how he acts, I agree that it would be best to hold off on being sexual until he changes the way he responds to you saying no, if you don’t leave the relationship entirely. Honestly, the latter would be very justified.

[Livingmytruth]

Thank you. I will process this more and decide where to go from here. I fully agree that his response is telling, but I also don’t know how he meant it. For example, could his “nope” have meant “I’m actually going to cum now so I’m not going to wait until I see you in person to cum.”? Or, did it mean “if you don’t send me a video then I don’t want to see you again.”? Or, was it flirtatious like “nope, ha ha jk”? Probably not that one, otherwise he would have followed it up with “I don’t mean it” or something like that. I’m curious about his behavior and we’ll see how things unfold. I’ll be moving away in July so this is a short-term learning experience for me!

[Sofi]

Well, you could always ask him what he means...but I agree with you, it doesn't seem like it was a joke - and even if it was, it's a confusing and just not cool joke to make. Joking about not respecting someone's boundaries isn't funny, and when people joke like that, it's a huge red flag that they don't take boundaries seriously. This would still point to him not being a safe person to be sexually intimate with, in my opinion.

I'm glad you're processing what we're saying here, as we want you to be safe and respected. I'm also glad it was a short term thing, so it shouldn't be hard to cut it off. Let us know if we can help you with that or anything else. <3