AGE GAP

[BabyTammy]

why is it so wrong to be with someone well above your age when you’re a minor, but when you’re 20 and he’s 50 it’s totally okay

I mean, I’m old enough to make decisions but not old enough for consent?

I’m not against it though but I really want to know why it’s weird. Why can’t I date an older guy without his friends calling him a p3d ??

[Andy]

Hello, BabyTammy!

First off, I’m not a lawyer nor have any knowledge about Nigerian laws, so I can’t speak on that aspect of your question. But if you would like to know more about the specific legislation and the reasoning for it, we can definitely try find some good resources on that for you.

But I can talk with you about why we encourage our users to approach relationships with age differences with extreme caution. The main problem in those is probably the difference in power. The way most societies work, a 19 years old student will generally have way less of it than a 45 years old person, be it about financial and housing stability, stable group of people, experience, job options etc. Even when the power discrepancy is not used to control/otherwise hurt the other person at the moment, it’s mere existence can provide a foundation for abusive dynamics. Similarly with the age of consent, in most countries people above it often have more legal power in different aspects of life than those under it.
An older person entering a relationship with a younger person is most probably aware of the differences in power, values or expectation from the relationship. So the question is why are they seeking that relationship? Is it because they didn’t find a partner in their age and why? Is it because they are looking for the power and control that can come with them? Either way, it’s usually safer to steer clear from such people. You can find more about that here: What's Age Got to Do With It?


That was a lot so before we talk more about it, I wanted to ask whether it is a real life situation you are now experiencing that you are asking about?

[BabyTammy]

Yeah well I mean recently a lot of older men have been Yunno AROUND me.
This 50 year old man told me that he wanted to marry me while having very sexual conversations with me. I told my mom of course. But I still remember the things he used to say, and the way I almost fell for it.(he didn’t look 50 at all. Everyone was suprised when they found out)
A 27 year old wanted me to step mother his son.
Another 27 year old who is my neighbor is making it quite known that he wants to sleep with me when I make very clear how old I am each time and how uncomfortable these situations make me.
And I’m not dumb what could I possibly offer them in a serious relationship?
But then there is this darker side of me that wants to explore and know why these things are so wrong!
I don’t know, I feel like one day I’m going fall for their traps. Am I being manipulated?
In Nigeria not only is the law against it, the society is also strongly against it, at least while you’re still a minor.

[HannahP]

Hi BabyTammy,

I'm so sorry that you're having these interactions that make you uncomfortable! It sounds to me like these older men feel confident to be very pushy and aggressive towards you. Sometimes that can be a bit confusing, like it feels overwhelming and uncomfortable, but maybe also a little bit flattering or interesting? It's understandable to me that you're having complicated feelings about it.

First I'll say that if anyone (no matter their age) is ever talking to you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to tell them to stop. It sounds like you're pretty good at telling them how you feel, but if they're not listening and changing their behavior, you might need to go a step further. It might be good to practice leaving the conversation if they start to talk that way and going somewhere they can't follow you, for example.

Now I hear you that you're a little bit curious about exploring sex and relationships — this is very common at your age! I hope you had a chance to read the article that Andy linked, which goes into some reasons why these people are not good options for you. So maybe instead you could think about people you know who are about your age, and whether you might be interested in any of them? What do you think about that?

[BabyTammy]

Yes I have read the article. But I don’t know, I’m not really good with people my age, so I’ve made the decision not to date till I’m older (as funny as it sounds ). I’m still healing from a past relationship anyways so that’ll give me time to focus of things that really matter and save myself from getting hurt again.
What I’m saying is, I do like older guys(definitely not the ones that make passes at me) but there are very few that are very decent and make me believe in the idea but then the scandal is what I don’t want, so I’ll wait. Thank you very much for your time
I never thought about this whole age gap thing for a perspective of power though, it makes me feel like I need to be very careful around them.

[Andy]

Hi again!

I’m sorry to hear you are feeling like you are not good with people your age. Do you want to share more about what exactly does that entail? I would say for people around your age it is quite common that there are big differences when it comes to relationships, approach and expectations around them. It is the time when most people just start exploring and thinking about these things and everyone has a different trajectory of that.
I also think deciding to wait with dating till you (as well as people your age) get older, is an absolutely valid decision and I’m glad you are listening to your needs with that!

What can we do for you moving forward? Do you want to talk more about the uncomfortable situations you have experienced, about age gaps and what they can mean for the relationships or anything else?

[BabyTammy]

Well, I think I’m okay for now.
Thank you all for your help and support
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I’ve just decided to see where life takes me.
Also I realized that older men can be very deceptive, lying that you don’t look your age and that they didn’t know you’d be that young just so they can go Scott free without coming off as a predator.

[Anya]

Hi BabyTammy,

Yeah, unfortunately, sometimes people will say whatever they think needs to be said so that they don't have to feel like they did anything wrong, when they are in fact actively hurting someone. I think, like Andy said, it's a great idea to listen to your own wants and needs while just staying aware, for your own comfort and safety, around older people.

If there is anything else that you need or that we can help you with, we are here for you.