having a hard time processing uncomfortable things that have been happening

[ls2verice]

I have four situations that's happened recently most of them are sexual, but for number one I think it is just the man not knowing proper boundaries.

1. man at church grabbed my shoulder and got inches close to my face

he wouldn't stop he was like right next to my face and grabbing my shoulder. It felt like we were sharing one body with how close he was (exaggeration). He then talked to me about something while he was that close but I didn't even remember I just thought he should stop touching me. I was uncomfortable but you can't really say anything because you have to respect elders and rejecting elders touching you is seen as the most horrible thing ever. I wish I could describe how close he was, it felt suffocating. but I couldn't reject him because of the whole respect your elders thing.

2. walked into my dad watching porn

while I was at my grandmas house I went downstairs to the basement to see my dad. I knocked on the door and he realized it was me. I heard some movements and then he opened the door. The problem was he was just in his towel and he was still watching porn with the sound on. I tried to pretend I didn't see it but he continued talking to me while it was still on. No sense of urgency to turn it off. He said he was just "looking at girls". I don't want to hear or see that! then he touched my hair, I don't wanna be touched I don't know where his hands were. I just feel like he had time to turn that off because I truly wasn't rushing him and I don't really care to know that he's looking at girls. I also don't want your hand to be touching me!

3. my dad has been calling me "sexy" and I don't like it

this is just something that's always happened. I always was uncomfortable with it I just didn't say anything because I didn't want to be scolded, I wanted my dad to like me, and I wanted to be just like him. He still does it to this day and I don't give him any reaction of approval when he does. I think it's gross.

4. working at amusement park and when I was trying to give a high five some kid pretended to jerk off my hand

I don't really feel resentment, just shocked that he would do that. he was maybe 12-15! I know teenagers make sexual jokes all the time but I didn't want to be the reciprocator and to do it in public was jarring. I was so shocked by it that I just was thought "what was that" and smiled nervously. I looked at what I assume to be his parents who just watched him do that continued on and I just thought why do they think it's normal for their kid to do that. the kid came again for another high five and I said I'm not giving him one because of what he did, I said it in a light hearted tone because I didn't want him to feel bad about himself but I still didn't want a high five from him because I just didn't trust it. I felt like I could've reacted better, told him that making jokes like that with random people is not okay, but it was so jarring and shocking that I didn't know how to respond.

How can I communicate boundaries when I'm taught that I can't by people at church? I feel like I was rude in some way but I also just didn't want to be that close to him. I don't really know how to tell my dad I don't like being called that and I'm tired of him thinking I'm fine with me seeing THAT side of him. I also don't think I responded well to that kid making that joke and I want to be prepared at least to deal with a kid doing that to me or someone else in the future. I just froze and I didn't expect myself to. I just wanna prevent someone making others uncomfortable in the future!

I also wanted to say thank you for all the responses the people on your team have given me. I don't really live in a situation where I can talk about these hard things with an adult or get sex education so I'm very grateful I found this site. sometimes I forget to update or respond to the responses I get and I don't mean to I'm just looking back and processing them or I just didn't have the time to post.

[Latha]

Hi there, Ls2verice!

I’m glad you feel like you can speak freely about these difficult topics here - that’s exactly what we hope for! No worries about taking time to respond. The boards are always here, and we can always pick a conversation back up when it is necessary.

I don’t think you handled the situation with the kid at the amusement park poorly at all. I think anyone without much experience with this kind of behaviour would be surprised, but even lightheartedly, you made it clear that what he did wan’t okay. That is a great response, and I would hope that it is enough on its own. It can certainly be helpful for older people to explicitly teach younger people about appropriate behaviour, but that isn’t your responsibility. Too, now that you’ve had the chance to think about it, it is very likely that you’ll be able to respond to these situations better in the future. (That said, if you’d like, we can talk more about how to handle this.)

About the other three situations:

I cannot believe that any older men are somehow completely unaware of the concept of personal space, or of the fact that it isn’t appropriate call a young person ‘sexy’, and keep porn on in the background while talking to them. Even if these behaviours were not actively malicious, they are excessively irresponsible and rude. This isn’t okay, and it is very understandable that you are uncomfortable.

People who teach you not to have boundaries or communicate them do not have your best interest at heart, and are putting you in an impossible position. One that, as you know, often favours those with more social power. You can’t listen to these people or operate on their terms. You just have to try to go about maintaining your boundaries strategically, keeping in mind and working around any potential consequences for your actions.

I would like to get a sense of how these people might react if you tried to set boundaries - that way, we might be able to think of a better course of action. In the past, how has your father reacted when you’ve disagreed with him or asked him to change something? What would your father do if you said you didn’t want him to call you ‘sexy’? And with the person at church, how would they act if you said something like ‘don’t touch me’ or excused yourself and stepped away?

[ls2verice]

at church I would probably get scolded and my aunt would get mad at me and scold me too. it's not the worst, but it's something I would rather avoid. All of the women I know at church are kind and I rarely ever have problems with them, it's the reactions of my aunt that matters. This is just an assumption based on a pattern of behaviors and things she's done and said to me, but she strongly believes in not bringing attention to yourself. So this situation would be an attention seeking incident to her, or if not that, something similar or close to it. Of course I don't know for sure but based on her reactions to other things this is what I think would happen. Other than that, my grandma when I told her I don't want to be touched gets upset saying "why, I'm your grandmother". I had to tell her that doesn't mean she can touch me whenever. She's not as forceful when it happens though. I just have barely interacted with this man despite him always being here so I'm not sure how he would react.

as for my dad, he is very controlling and aggressive. From what I've observed from others is that he doesn't. like. being. told. no. even if he has no right to be dictating things he does not care. He's choked my grandpa because of an argument, he constantly threatens to kidnap and take me to random places whenever something slightly upsets him so he can get control of others, and when I tell him I don't want to live with him when I turn 18 he flat out tells me "I have to". When I didn't want to go back and forth from house to house (my aunts and my grandmas where he lives) after he just kidnapped me and gave him a bit of "attitude" he snatched my phone and pushed me into the trash that was on the floor, leaving a mark on me that has since faded. In short, he's a pretty aggressive person and I'd rather just disassociate or discreetly cringe than confront him about that. I'm gonna turn 18 pretty soon and I don't really have much regrets with just not responding to it! What I'm worried about the most is that when I'm 18 and don't want to follow him or agree with him anymore on every single damn thing, he'll hurt me. I've heard that in some statistics that if an abusive partner feels comfortable enough to strangle you, the chances of them doing something even worse (I don't feel comfortable saying the word) gets higher. I'm worried about my grandma and grandpa, I feel like he'll do that to them no joke! He's talked about getting guns too! Now he's really mentally ill and almost never goes through with any of these rants, but I can tell his mental state is rapidly declining and with that instability I think it's a bit normal to have a fear. Also, if he felt comfortable enough to hurt me, constantly says he thinks I HAVE to do things that he wants, and has no problem being violent in front of me... you can see why I dont have energy to really deny him much anymore. Another instance is when I needed my birth certificate to get a job and he later weaponized him not going to get it unless I get a haircut o "line up" despite me saying I didn't want to. And then AGAIN, he threatened to take me away somewhere.

Besides all of that, how do I even ensure I am safe from him in the future? This might seem grim and I'm trying not to be, but if he ends up getting crazier and harms me when I am an adult and start distancing myself and creating boundaries, I wouldn't be even a smidge of surprised. I fully believe that scenario can happen and will happen. I just want to be prepared is all.

(edit: he does not have a job never graduated high school and is very volatile towards his coworkers because of his paranoia. this has made it harder from him to actually move out of his moms basement and make money for himself. he's acted entitled to certain possessions and privileges in my grandparents house when he shouldn't even be there! my aunt says that he might start turning to me for support when my grandparents reject him or actually are gone. In my head I'm never going to take him in no matter what he says. sounds cruel but he's not pressuring me into letting him stay at my house. he's not getting money from him. But my aunt says that he's my dad and that we all should take care of our parents. he says I don't have to, but I still feel a teeny bit of guilt for not wanting to do that. I am also a pretty forgiving and flexible person which some people take advantage of, I don't doubt that I'm gonna not want to support him, it's just the guilt that I might feel for cutting him off.)

[KierC]

Hey ls2verice,

I hope it’s ok that I’m popping in here, but I’ve been following along in this thread. I am so sorry to hear about what’s been happening at church and at home. You deserve to feel comfortable and safe in the spaces you inhabit, and I am sorry to hear that this hasn’t been the case. I hope we can see what we can do to make things safer for you.

I want you to know first that, from what you’ve described here, it sounds like the environment you are currently living in is a very unsafe one. It sounds like your father has physically harmed members of your household and has made threats of physical violence. Nobody deserves to live in an unsafe space like that.

We take your safety very seriously here, and it’s our responsibility to first make sure you are aware that this is an unsafe environment, and to help you get away from that environment to someplace safe. I hear you say that you don’t want to live with your father anymore once you turn 18, and you do deserve to live someplace safe now. Are you willing to talk with us about your options to live someplace else that is safe? Is living with a different relative who is safe a possibility, or do you have friends with parents who you could reach out to?

[ls2verice]

right now I am living with my aunt. that's why he usually threatens to take me away instead of just doing so without a word. I'm pretty sure if I lived with him still he would just take me when he wanted instead of threatening to. That part where I referenced he kidnapped me was when I was still at my aunts house and he took me after visiting. he still can take me anywhere because I'm 17 right now, but in a few days I will be legally allowed to deny him taking me. I'm going to college in a few months so I could just stay there, it's just when I move out I don't know what to do.

he took me to my aunts, but she doesn't have legal guardianship so she's technically not allowed to just deny him when he wants to take me away.

He's said before at 18 he wants to take me. My aunts plan is that we call the police if he tries to take me. I'm sure he's going to want to do something for my 18th birthday so I might be going somewhere with him and that's one of my concerns, maybe he'll just take me in that moment, I don't know. He sometimes thinks I'm older than I actually am, no more than a year. I have a hunch that might be the reason he felt comfortable playing porn around me, who knows. If I move out (probably on my third year of college), should I lie to him about where I live if he asks?

[Jacob]

Hi ls2verice!

So first I want to say how sorry I am that you've been in all these situations including the situation you're in right now! You really really really deserve to be treated with much more love and care by the adults in your life and I'm so disappointed in the myriad ways they've let you down, including failing to protect you from other adults.

From what you're saying you're genuinely scared of your dad, and I want to confirm to you that that is not okay and it is not a safe situation to grow up in.

You've pointed out occasions where he's been deliberately sexually inappropriate to you, which is abusive, and is even moreso when you place it in the context of the danger you feel under when he's around.

I'm glad you're living with your aunt rather than him, and it is good that she has said she'll try and keep him from you, however she's also threatened to use him against you, which is incredibly abusive too (alongside everything you mentioned in your other thread about her).

I totally see the appeal of trying to wait this out, when you fear that trying to gain your independence will result in added danger and escalation. From what you're saying that sounds like a very logical fear to have about their behavior.

I don't think you need to wait til you're 18 (you may even have better access to support under-18) but there's two things to bear in mind:

1. Absolutely trust your gut when things feel dangerous - planning is something you can do under the radar, but we don't want to increase the danger you're in by asking you to challenge your aunt or your dad, until you're at a safe distance to do so.
2. If escalation is a risk (and it sounds like it certainly is), remember that you can take bigger steps which (even if they anger people) can put enough distance between you and the danger to to be a more viable option than "medium" steps.

Basically we want to be discretely planning & researching, and then we want to get the heck out of there - but we want to avoid the middle ground.

When you go to college you are naturally going to be a little more independent and I have to admit that I am concerned that the kind of escalation you're fearing might happen around the time you're establishing parts of yourself outside the control of your dad or your aunt - 3 years is a long time for something bad to happen. But it's also the case that something bad is happening right now, because this is clearly a horrible situation you're experiencing.

You've done really well to point out the sexually and physically abusive things that you have experienced but I think two things you can add to that list, and harder to name are mental injury and neglect* which I see you as experiencing not just on those incidents but seemingly every day. You deserve to grow up in an environment which is safe and nourishing and away from abuse.

In the aid of planning and researching, would you be willing to discuss with us what an exit plan would look like?

This would be a great starting point if you'd rather do reading: Safety Plan: When You Live With the Abuse

I'm also happy to speak with you in our chat if you'd be interested?

(*These are the other two types of abuse outlined in your state's definition of abuse when I looked it up!)

[ls2verice]

yes I would be willing to discuss what an exit plan would be and I can discuss in chat. I have already done some of the things in the safety plan, a job, I don't really speak to my dad unless needed or not in the right headspace (which it is rare for me to go to my dad in times like that, but I still do it every once in a blue moon). For telling someone, I think so too, but it's just most of my family know what's going on, it's just telling people outside of my home that's hard as I often get told that cps will come after them or they will get in trouble. I have told a few helplines that directed to a place to report abuse in my state. I don't think I can report that right now. I fear the process might be long or that I won't be believed because I do not have much proof other than my diary and eyewitnesses. but some of the witnesses are people who would be upset if I reported this in the first place.

[Latha]

Hi Ls2verice,

It sounds like you are in a terrible situation, but you are managing yourself quite well despite it all. You should be proud of yourself! I’ll let Jacob know that you are open to discussing an exit plan in chat - they should get back to you soon.

[Jacob]

So glad you've already been planning - great work!

I totally agree with those helplines that pointed you towards reporting this, but also it's very understandable that doing so would be super scary, and that you would naturally be worried about all the factors you mentioned.

When are you free? Any time in the next couple of hours would be good for me, and I could do a little later; early in the afternoon, not too late.

Maybe something we can talk about is what it would actually look like to report it. For example, CPS are not law enforcement - their job isn't to punish someone for a crime, and for that reason they don't need a bunch of evidence the way a criminal investigation would. Their job is to get you safe, quickly, based initially on the report you make, and then it's only after that they gather additional information to make a plan with you of what happens after they've gotten you to a safe place - but we can talk about that and the ways it could happen? (And your prepping in the meantime)

[Jacob]

Just wanted to let you know I've been keeping an eye on this thread! I'm going to log out for the rest of the day as I'm in a later timezone, so unfortunately I won't be able to do a chat for the rest of today. Lets keep the conversation going here though! I'll be back fully on Monday but I'll try and keep checking this thread. In the you'll be in good hands with our volunteers.

You said you've already done some planning and some of the things on the list. So, the few things it'd be great to hear from you are...

1. If you've already got a mental packing list, or an actual go bag?
2. If you've looked at local services to know what's out there? (I was just checking out the website for these guys: https://avenuesforyouth.org and these guys https://bridgeforyouth.org )
3. If the device(s) you're using to communicate with us are password protected etc, and there's no chance of being found out?

[ls2verice]

hello, it is monday soon going to be tuesday for me and I currently have work going on for most of this wee and some other things that would make it harder to chat. I'm wondering if we could chat on thursday, maybe 2 PM est.

I don't have a mental packing list and the only thing I'm thinking about for packing is college. I am going to go to a Christian college which does raise concerns because I am bisexual and discrimination is allowed and I worry about how I could protect myself or at least hide it. Other than that, no packing. I see college as my escape plan. As for in college and my dad confronting me there, I think i would just call the police or ask campus staff to not allow him in if that's even possible. So neither a mental packing list or an actual to go bag.

I've only looked at helplines and briefly looked at the website the helpline staff directed me to for CPS. My devices are password protected and I only know the passwords. Nothing written down. never told my aunt except for one time which is last year and she doesn't seem to know my password, my dad definitely doesn't. My aunt isn't the type to go through my devices and never has. recently I am 18 so I think she knows that she does not have the right to demand my phone anymore. My dad never really monitored the devices I went on or tried to get into my phone. The most he's done is take it away from me the night he brought me back to his house after he kidnapped me and then he decided to give it back to me the next morning. Didn't go through it, i'm sure of it because I never told him my password and again I don't have it written down.

[Jacob]

Ah got it, I'm glad your devices are secure!

Can I ask, how did it go with your Birthday? I know that was a date you were particularly concerned about!

And how do you feel about being 18? I know that was a big mental milestone for you in feeling able to make boundaries.

Ahead of college, I honestly think having made some local links will make you a lot safer. If you look at the Avenues for Youth website you'll see that they are welcoming of LGBTQ+ youth, and that they offering refuge, housing & support to 18-22 year olds. I'd strongly suggest giving them a call, or visiting them so you they can be aware of your situation and talk to you about the different ways they can help!

This wouldn't necessarily be about moving out but you becoming familiar with, and familiar to a service like that, will absolutely make you safer by itself. Having somewhere to go when you need to is a biggie and your dad definitely can't reach you or hurt you if he doesn't know where you are. Making that connection can also help you remind yourself "I don't have to live here". They can offer you that help without you having to go through law enforcement and they even offer things like housing for just a few nights as an emergency or as a temporary need.

Regarding college, I also really hope that college can buy you some additional time and distance from your dad and aunt! Something you could do is call up the college and ask them what their policy is on unwanted attention from relatives, and any policies they have on domestic abuse - that way it'd be less of a mystery and you'd know who to call and what to say if it was needed. Is that something you'd be willing to do?

I'll add finally that to have a restraining order against him (which doesn't require criminal charges by the way!) would strengthen your ability to keep him from you in the future. I gather that isn't something you feel ready to pursue right away, but I wanted to let you know that it is another avenue you could go down, and would start with getting connected to a domestic abuse organization who can guide you through the process.

[ls2verice]

hello, sorry, I was not able to make it to the chat on thursday and that was because of a family trip that I only thought was on saturday, can we try tuesday at 2pm EST? turns out this trip was the next day. as for boundaries, my dad didn't pick me up for anything, I've been having trouble contacting him and I need him do the fafsa but he's been leaving my grandma's house and not coming back for days. his phone calls go straight to voicemail and he's not answering texts. then he just miraculously appears back at my grandma's house to grab something. however, there was one thing that happened during the family trip. despite me turning 18, my choices and control dont seem to really have much change. my aunt wants me to do something I have to do it. I'm aware I'm not obligated to do what she wants me to do as im 18 and she's not even my legal guardian, but there's still that expectation and pressure. I wanted to eat trollis at 9 am, was stopped by my 2nd aunt to put it down. thought of saying no and just eating it anyway, but I'd rather have a civil vacation.

When we were taking pictures, sun was in my eyes, so I covered my forehead to give myself shade. there was a stranger taking our picture. then my two aunts told me to put my hand down. I was upset by this so I went to the bridge to look at ducks, I was beginning to become calm until aunty 1 (the one I live with, you guys are referring to when you say she's provoking me, and did the whole knife incident) came up to me. she then told me I was pushing people away and being distant the whole trip. that I need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable (greeting people and being social even though I don't want to). Now I half agree with her point and half dont because I don't want to be rude to people by avoiding greeting or socializing with them, but also because my social skills have plummeted like I said in the other thread which makes it harder to socialize so I often avoid it to the point where Im starting to hate socializing (dont think that is healthy but Idk what to do). I asked to show my perspective and she said no that she wanted me to reflect. I was annoyed by this but actually tried just letting her continue to lecture me and assert things about how I am and how I'm feeling, without actually letting me say for myself how I feel. The more I thought about that as the conversation went on, I unfortunately got upset. I then interrupted her lecture and told her something along the lines of how she doesn't want to have a conversation or how she's not allowing me to have an actual conversation with her. I then ran off and said I wanted space, she did listen to this request though! Then went to the bathroom where my 2nd aunt followed me, we talked, and she said she'll talk to aunty 1. don't know if she did, but I did get my space.

Oh and she also saw my phone where I was watching a tiktok live for lgbtq speed dating for fun, I just pretended she didn't see it and continued making my food. pretty sure this upset her because she then freaked out and started yelling about my cousins eating ramen for dinner and said that it was not dinner and that was lying, she mentioned how we are gonna burn or at least referenced people who lie are gonna burn (something of the sorts), talked about how my cousins friends were dressing inappropriately not because she cared for their safety but because it wasn't honoring (it wasn't anything crazy, think v-necks and spaghetti straps being seen as scandalous), and then later in the rant she mentioned how god gave grandma a message of how I was gonna do lgbtq things in college.

in short, I'm 18 and I can somewhat talk back without being flamed... she still is staunchly against lgbtq people, but she's not flipping out and threatening to tell the rest of the family like she did the first time. still I'm expected to obey whenever an adult wants me to do. I would be willing to call my college about that, but I'd rather talk to them in person about it so maybe later. I'm doing what people tell me to do, even if I don't agree with it all the time. I obey half because they are right sometimes and other times because I don't feel like I have much choice without conflict. now I'm also wondering if I should continue to talk back and express my disdain like I did when she wouldn't let me show my perspective or if that's too much During the chat, if we could also discuss more on how to respond to other situations that would also be nice.

[ls2verice]

also I think t-mobile has blocked scarleteen because whenever I only use my data ony my phone instead of the wi-fi it says this site is not available. I don't know if that's because I'm on a family plan with outlook which my aunt controls and she may be blocking those websites, I don't know. This also made it harder to contact you guys. wouldn't let me reply on mobile either, is that a feature on the website where you can only reply to your posts on computers? I was logged into my account too.

[Heather]

Hey there, ls2verice. Scarleteen was actually closed on Thursday for Juneteenth, so I'm not sure I understand the expectation of a chat that day, but rest assured you didn't miss anything you had scheduled here.

I don't believe t-mobile as a whole blocks us, because we have seen IP addresses from t-mobile for users before, but we also had an accidental lock on making new posts here over the weekend, so that may have been part of the issue?

Regardless, if you'd like to have a live chat, and I'm someone you're comfortable doing that with, I can make time to chat with you tomorrow at 2:30 CST, if that works for you. I think I also might be able to get a better and fuller sense of how we can help you at this point in a chat rather than on the boards, anyway. Let me know if that works, and if not, I can toss out some other options.

[Heather]

Hey there: I know I offered 2:30 today yesterday, but we're getting pretty close to that time and I haven't heard from you, and I need to move on to some other things, so let's figure today is out. But if you want to suggest some other days and times, I can take a look at those when you post them and see if we can find something that works for us both. <3

[ls2verice]

hello sorry I wasn't able to reply but I had forgotten about the chat we were supposed to have and by the time I remembered it had already passed. I was going to reply to say maybe we could do this some other time when I was ready but I was embarrassed and felt like I was just wasting time. I should've informed you about that regardless though and I'm very sorry about that.

I'm going to college in two weeks but I was able to go to a program for that college that did say they had services for dealing with family members and mental health. I do not think I'm ready to have a conversation about what I should do partially because I do not have much time right now and also because I'm nervous but I don't know why. I also took a break from looking at this site because I felt like I wasn't interacting in healthy way if that makes sense. I am now seeing a professional (OT) who has also been able to help me with reacting to certain scenarios (shaking, some things I find scary that triggers me). I wanted to also thank you for helping me find resources and give me and idea of what I should do, I am very grateful.

[ls2verice]

I forgot to add this but, I am worried about whether I can still go on this website because I recently saw a video that says that your colleges can see what websites you visit. and while it may seem irrational to fear it still makes me less prone to go on here. so I'm just going to mostly avoid this website because I do not want them to kick me out of school or get reprimanded because your site does say queer sex education and this is a christian college.

[KierC]

Hey ls2verice! I’m so glad to see you back here.

Thank you so much for opening up about your experience and how things have been going since you last posted. How exciting that you’re starting college soon!

I hear you that you don’t want to talk about what to do, that is totally okay! We won’t discuss anything that you don’t want to talk about here. You did something really important here by understanding what situations make you feel activated and taking a break from those situations. That can be really hard to do, and it’s great to hear that you took a break from here when you feel you needed to.

I’m so glad you found professional support, too, and that it’s been helpful for you! Will you continue with them when you start college?

Lastly, I hear you about your school possibly knowing when you’re on this site. Is there anything in the student code of conduct at your school that prohibits sex education, or queer topics?

When you log into the college’s WiFi, they may be able to see the sites you’ve visited, but they can’t do anything about it unless it’s illegal or if there’s anything specific in the student code of conduct that prohibits it. But, a VPN would do the trick here, or using a personal hotspot on your phone.

[ls2verice]

I have looked through their handbook multiple times and it's clear that they do not accept homosexual behavior and anything aligning with that. they also don't allow the creation or use of pornographic material, something I also worry they might associate with your website. it also looks like, from what I've seen (looking at the campus pride's "worst colllege" list) they are allowed and do discriminate against queer people that attend their schools. so I'm just worried. I also draw things relating to bisexuality and I worry that they might find my socials where I post bisexual art or find the journals I draw bisexual art in and look through it. highly doubt they'll be able to look through my personal belongings but still.

[Tara]

Hi, ls2verice -

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this stress and anxiety. Without seeing this college's student code of conduct, I can't make specific comments on the school's position or response to your lifestyle. Are you using a school computer or your personal computer? It seems extreme that they would be monitoring WIFI usage through personal computers - I don't even know that is a thing. They could potentially monitor websites visited through a school computer, but it is more likely it would have server blocks to certain sites rather than making sites available, monitoring, then punishing those who visit them. I have a work VPN that blocks certain sites, so even if I went to it it would not allow me to visit. I wouldn't be anxious about the online monitoring.

As for your Facebook profile, you can always make that private to anyone you don't want to see your profile. That's the best way to protect your privacy.

I do feel sorry and sad that you are attending such a homophobic college. My biggest concern for you is to feel safe and content at a place by finding anyone of like-mindedness or those you feel comfortable with and can trust. Would you like to talk more about strategies for maintaining your peace of mind, connecting where you can, and safe ways you can express yourself?

[ls2verice]

hello, I am using a personal computer. I will private my socials right now except for the other socials where I don't have my face or name attached. I did some research and I think as long as I don't have my name or my face they won't find it. But yes, I would like to talk more about strategies.

[maille]

hi there! i hope its is okay that i am chiming in!

first, i want to say that there are no ‘right’ ways to handle situations like yours, but i am incredibly proud of the steps you have taken to keep yourself healthy, mentally and physically.

i am not sure what tara had in mind when she offered you strategies, but i have some ideas.

there are queer people everywhere, including conservative christian colleges. they just might be doing the same thing as you plan on in flying under the radar. maybe a subtle way to show others that you are a safe space without risking danger would be to put pronouns in your school email signature or profiles? this may seem like too big of a move for you and that is okay too! you know your situation best and this is just one small idea.

how would it feel to look outside of your college, more broadly in the town that it is in? i hope you find that there are more resources around you, even if they are not affiliated with your school.

i would also love to see you lean into enjoyable activities, as an act of self care. you have a lot going on right now and the transition to college can be tough without all the external stressors you have. it sounds like you are an artist! that is a great place to begin.

best of luck, ls2verice!

also, if you felt going the route of connecting with campus about unwanted visitors, i wonder if the title 9 office would be a good place to start.

[ls2verice]

I think I could try looking out of town but only in online spaces. I'm very introverted to the point where it is anti-social almost. so I think online spaces would be a good start but I already do that. I just worry someone might see me going to these out of town queer things and tell my school. I am also going to look into the 9 office thing, but I want to clarify if this is "title 9 office" or just "9 office"?

[Latha]

Hi Ls2verice,

From what I’ve heard, I think it is the “title 9 office”. And if online resources are most comfortable, that is a great place to start. Do you feel comfortable in your current online communities?

As for making sure you are safe exploring queer things out of town… I wonder whether it would be easier to answer this question once you are there in person. Exploring on your own may give you a better sense of what risks there are and what you can do discreetly.

If I may ask, would you consider transferring to another university that might be safer?