how do i know? how do i cope?

Questions and discussion about your sexuality and how it's a part of who you are as a person.
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lunarluminance
newbie
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2025 11:02 pm
Age: 20
Awesomeness Quotient: all of my ideas are well thought out
Primary language: english
Pronouns: they/them
Sexual identity: bi (lesbian)
Location: michigan

how do i know? how do i cope?

Unread post by lunarluminance »

hey! :D
so i recently started getting back into dating, met a nice young man, and in the process realized that i absolutely abhor him, and there has been a trend of hating men whenever i try to talk to or become romantically involved with them.

to the trained eye, it’s very obvious i am not bisexual, and if i am, it is to a very precise and honed degree.

i “like” men, but i <3 women. i never have to rationalize why i should like one. when i swipe on dating apps, i swipe on nearly every woman i see. (there is one girl who owns my heart, but im too scared to talk to her again.)

—i’m rambling, but my question is:
how do i come to terms with the fact that i am most likely a lesbian? how do i proceed?

i have some innate anxiety that if i am openly gay, ‘something’ will happen, but i don’t know what the something is. i know my family wouldn’t accept me, but that’s whatever. not unexpected.

thank you for reading! :ugeek: :) :ugeek:
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Jacob
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 1401
Joined: Tue Jul 29, 2014 5:33 am
Age: 37
Primary language: English
Pronouns: They
Location: Leeds UK

Re: how do i know? how do i cope?

Unread post by Jacob »

Hi lunarluminance...

What do you mean by coming to terms with it? (btw, disliking men isn't a prerequisite to being gay!)

Anxieties about being out and open about being gay or queer might be justified, because discrimination does happen, after all, however you can be selective about who you're open with.

Are there people you'd be more comfortable being with than others?
"In between two tall mountains there's a place they call lonesome.
Don't see why they call it lonesome.
I'm never lonesome when I go there." Connie Converse - Talkin' Like You
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KaCy
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Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Aug 12, 2025 7:09 pm
Age: 14
Awesomeness Quotient: I can play the saxophone.
Primary language: American English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: lesbian, gay, sapphic
Location: Epping, NH, USA

Re: how do i know? how do i cope?

Unread post by KaCy »

This post sounds like my inner conflict from a year or two ago. For me, I realized I was probably a lesbian, but then took several years to fully realize my sexuality. The first thing you can do is admit to yourself that you probably don't like men, which you've already done. The next thing is to think about it now and then and wait for the "what ifs "around your sexuality to fade away until you're left with who you really are. Plus, being unlabeled for a little while is okay. If you've given up on trying to date men, that doesn't mean you have to label yourself as a lesbian immediately; you can only be going for girls, and you don't owe the explanation of your sexuality to anyone. Hope this helps!
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