cocsa vent maybe

[bbbjjnn]

finally i am sharing my abuse. i have a question to ask after i'm finished with this story or whatever.
so 3 years ago i was abused by my aunt/cousin. this is complicated because she is biologically my aunt but so close to my age i consider her my cousin. continuing on, we became friends pretty quickly. we don't see each other often considering she lives all the way across the world but this trip i stayed for a month. a lot of messed up shit happened. the first instance i can remember, we were playing around and somehow it got to her sitting down on a chair and pulling me onto her lap. when i tried to get off her she kept pulling me back again and again very quickly; almost rhythmically. and it felt, obviously, weird but i don't think anything came of it after that. another thing i remember is whenever she groped me. she grabbed my breasts and out of anger i tore out her hair. i still don't feel that bad about it but that night i was yelled at and called genuinely evil over and over again by my mother while i cried next to her, struggling to fall asleep. i told her what happened and she literally didn't care. so that was fun. she was really shitty back then. i remember sharing i was worried about being stared at by older men and she told me it was fine as long as i wasn't touched which i guess is all you really can do but shouldn't she have reassured me more as my mother..? it hurt me back then. it doesn't matter much to me now.
this is the part where it starts getting a little iffy but i have a weird memory. not anything specifically but like this gap i guess? i can't say im certain of it happening but it's this feeling that something more happened between us. something serious. like in bed. it's weird. i can't explain it better than that. i don't know if this helps but i do feel that i struggle with dissociation--so much so that it could be categorized as a disorder--and that year was the worst my dissociation has ever been so that may play a part in me not remembering. considering our closeness in age this could be considered normal exploration but i feel like i wouldn't have blocked it out if it was something i agreed to or wanted to happen? again i don't even remember what actually happened i just know something did. it's stupid
my question from the beginning of this was i don't think you covered this in the article you made about cocsa but forgive me if i'm wrong; when does sexual exploration between children become dangerous in the context of age gaps?

[Heather]

Hey there, bbbjjnn.

Before I say anything else, I want to say that given the history of your posts here and what you've been expressing in them, I truly think you would be best helped by a therapist in a private setting, rather than on a board like this. We can still talk with you and offer you what we can, by all means, but there's a lot we can't offer, specifically in a medium that isn't totally private, and I think the lack of those things is not helping you out. If you're open to it, I'm happy to talk with you about ways you might be able to find and access therapy for yourself.

I'm very sorry to hear about what your aunt did as well as what sounds like clearly dysfunctional and verbally abusive behavior, not to mention neglect, on the part of your mother. As it sounds like you know, these aren't healthy ways of interacting within a family, and none of this should have been like this for you.

To answer your question, a gap in age, all by itself, won't make sexual exploration between children dangerous. But you aren't posting about sexual exploration between children. You appear to be posting about unwanted touch between yourself as a pre-teen and your aunt, who it sounds like was either an older teen or a young adult. The age difference isn't what creates a problem here, it's that the touch was unwanted and done without your consent, to the point that you had to yourself become physically violent to stop it. If someone the exact same age as you had done that it would still be a violation.

[bbbjjnn]

oh jesus im sorry. i feel terrible i can delete this if i have to. this was stupid of me.

[Heather]

I'm not sure I understand what's going on. Why are you sorry? Can you explain it to me? I don't see anything stupid about any of this.

[bbbjjnn]

i shoukdve known better than to share something like this so publically. i realize now this was impulsive of me.
ive been told already to get therapy but i legitimately cant. ive asked my mom about it time and time again and she never does anything about it i don't want to go through that false hope again.

[Heather]

I don't have an issue with you sharing it publicly, but if you do, I am happy to love this thread to the area only staff can see. Obviously, we never want anyone finding posting here makes them feel terrible. If having it here isn't good for you, let's at least fix that.

I understand that relying on your mother or another family member to try and get therapy isn't doable for you. For sure, I'd not expect someone who has treated you and the things you have gone through like your parent has to be helpful helping you get help to process and manage things that came and are coming from that same family system.

You may not need someone else to do this for you, though. Can I ask if you're enrolled in and attend school (during the school year)? If so, does your school have any student health/counseling services? Can I also ask if you have anyone in your life who you think actually could be or would be supportive in helping you access therapy, be that an extended family member, a neighbor, a friend's parent, maybe?

[bbbjjnn]

i mean possibly but all of them i think would have to get my mom involved in order to do that and then she'll probably get mad at me for asking for help from someone that isn't her even though everytime i have she's disregarded it.

[bbbjjnn]

also where would this staff only place be ???

[Heather]

We have a hidden area of the boards that is passworded and only staff can see. Users -- including you -- cannot see it, it is just an area where we can keep posts for our records that users don't want public anymore for various reasons.

You will not likely have to have your Mom involved to access therapy. You also will not necessarily have to tell her you are getting it if that doesn't feel right or safe.

I have to head off of DS for the day, I'm afraid, but if you can think of one of those people you said you could potentially ask about this, maybe start with that one, ask them for help today, and see where that goes, for now?

[bbbjjnn]

ill try

[HannahP]

Thank you bbbjjnn! Please don't hesitate to keep talking with us, we're happy to help you think about people you might be able to ask for help.