I don't know how to masterbate

[Ambercookies]

Hi, this is my first time writing on here, so I'm a little nervous/embarrassed to say that I don't know how to masturbate. I'm 19 and have only ever started thinking about touching myself when I was about 16. Since then, however, I've never really successfully masturbated. I do get wet when I'm aroused, but when I try to use my fingers, it hurts. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Is pain supposed to happen? Am I touching the right places? It's a bit frustrating not knowing how to pleasure myself successfully. I'm scared of what might happen in the future when I do get into a relationship, and can't get into sexual activities with my partner due to the pain of receiving.

[KierC]

Hi Ambercookies, and welcome to the boards. We’re so glad to have you here.

Ah, I am really sorry to hear that you’re having pain with insertion. It sounds like you’re doing all the good things by making sure you’re aroused and lubricated, but I hear you that you’re having pain. It can help to start really slowly with one finger, but if that is very painful even when you’re aroused and lubricated, it could be a good idea to check in with a gynecologist. Is that something you feel ok doing?

In the meantime, though, there are other ways to masturbate that do not involve insertion, by involving the vulva and other erogenous zones. We have a couple articles on our site that might serve as a helpful introduction to the idea!

1. With Pleasure: A Whole View of Sexual Anatomy for Every Body — This article might be helpful just to check that you’re familiar with your own anatomy, and so you have an idea that there are other zones to explore apart from the vaginal canal.
2. Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation — I think the section “How Do You Masturbate” and “Common Ways People Masturbate” might be particularly helpful
3. Take A Self-Love Roadtrip! Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation — I love this article, and I think the process the author is describing might be really helpful if you’ve been feeling down about masturbation.

I also want to say, I hear you say that you’re concerned about not being able to be sexual with a partner due to pain with insertion. I touched on this super briefly before, but there are truly so many more ways to experience sexual pleasure apart from vaginal insertion. It may very well be that we can figure out this pain you’re having! But I also want to offer the idea that your worth as a sexual partner is not measured by your enjoyment of insertion. Your ability to listen, to communicate, to co-create a pleasureful space for you to exist in with someone else if you both choose, that’s the stuff that makes things really enjoyable. How does hearing that feel for you?

[Ambercookies]

Hi! I'm not able to see a gynecologist since I don't yet have a driver's licence, and I can't ask my parents to drive me to one since they're suuuuuper religious and believe that masturbation is a serious sin. They don't even know that I don't identify as heterosexual anymore. However, I am thinking of trying later tonight to do what you suggested before, going extremely slowly and making sure I get used to my finger. I hope to be able to visit a gynecologist when I'm living on my own, though!

I've never really thought about touching other parts of my private area, mostly because I'm kind of scared to. (I don't even know what erogenous zones are!) But I plan on reading the first article you suggested tonight to better familiarize myself with it and, hopefully, have more confidence in my own body. And then start on the other articles too!

I'm still very new to the world of sex and sexual elements, and since 16, I've always felt like if I can't take anything during intercourse, then I'm not a good partner. But knowing that there are a lot of other ways to feel pleasure calms me a bit and makes me want to explore a part of myself that I've never fully opened up before. I hope that when I do get a partner and trust them enough to start having intimacy, we can talk about our dos and don'ts and be able to feel comfortable with each other. I feel a lot better now that I have resources to look at to help me, thank you!

[Latha]

Hi there, Ambercookies! I’m glad the resources Kier gave you helped you feel better about all this!

I’m sorry to hear that your parents have such a harsh view of masturbation — it really is a normal, healthy activity that lots of people do without any problems. Since this isn’t an emergency, it’s probably alright for you to wait to see a gynaecologist, but I want to check if there is a way around this. You don’t have to tell your parents that you are interested in masturbation. Do you think there is a chance they would take you to a doctor if you gave them an excuse? You know them best — would they agree if you told them that your stomach has been hurting, or that you’ve been having problems with your period? At your age, it’s likely that the doctor will expect to speak to you alone, so you’ll have support if you want a private consultation.

I've never really thought about touching other parts of my private area, mostly because I'm kind of scared to...

If it helps, know that it would be difficult to really hurt yourself while exploring, especially if you start slow and small and take simple precautions, like making sure your nails are not too sharp. I think it’s helpful to think of any pain or discomfort as a sign from your body that you need to make an adjustment of some kind. I wouldn’t advise pushing past pain, but experiencing it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong, if that makes sense.

There are all sorts of ideas out there about what sex should be like and what you should do to be a good partner. But none of these matter more than what you and any partner you have actually want. Many people enjoy vaginal sex, so it’s fair that you want to try it for yourself. But if you were to decide that you never want to try insertion, that would also be okay — as Kier discussed, it wouldn’t prevent you from having pleasurable sex with a partner.

Feel free to ask if you have any other questions!

[Ambercookies]

Hello! Unfortunately, going to the doctor is a serious thing that my parents don't take lightly. I'm either there for a check-up or if something is very wrong with me (Example: when I had the stomach bug for like 2 weeks, or for a time when I had trouble breathing when I was younger). I wouldn't be able to make up a good enough excuse since my mom would rather be the one to see if I do have problems with my period. I won't be able to see a gynecologist unless I'm taking myself to one. I'm working on getting my driver's licence because then I'll be able to have a lot more freedom to move around! I'm also worried about the cost of going to one.

During my yearly check-ups, my doctor has been talking about more private matters to me in private ever since I turned 18. My mother doesn't like that she can no longer stay with me if she wants to, and tells me that what they say is "nothing but lies" and that "she knows best." I highly doubt that she knows a topic better than someone who's spent years learning about it, but I just nod and say ok to not make things any more difficult than they have to be. Even in those small windows of privacy, I'm not sure I would be able to ask about seeing a gynecologist since I'd need to be able to make another visit and have no way of getting there. Seeing a gynecologist is now another one of my main goals when I'm on my own financially!

If it helps, know that it would be difficult to really hurt yourself while exploring, especially if you start slow and small and take simple precautions, like making sure your nails are not too sharp.

One thing I did do yesterday when I had a bit of time was take notice of how I feel and what I feel when I insert a finger. One thing I noticed was that my nails were actually scraping against my insides (ow!), and so I decided to stop, clean up, cut, and file my nails before starting again. I hope when I try again, I will be able to have a better experience

[Heather]

I don’t personally see any need to go to the doctor with any of this, if that helps to know. Mostly it just sounds like you’re having pain because of what you’re doing. (Only putting fingers inside rather than focusing on other parts of your anatomy, probably not using lube, having nails and weird angles, etc.)

I do want to add that it’s not super common for people with vaginas to masturbate by putting fingers inside the vagina.

For one, there aren’t a whole lot of sensory nerve endings just in the vagina alone, and it tends to be more about pressure per feeling the good stuff. It’s hard to get that kind of leverage for that with your own fingers. Also, without the clitoris involved, sensation of the vagina will generally be…a lot of nothing much.

It sounds like you are only doing it this way because you feel like you should because you feel like you also will have a should with intercourse later and you think this will help in some way. But really, masturbation isn’t about that, it’s about doing what actually feels good by yourself FOR yourself.