Still Insecure

[Idk6156]

Actually I quite appreciate the frankness, and to be clear my girlfriend was not the one to make that comment, it was my ex who then commented about her ex. My girlfriend just doesn’t like to have conversations or discussions, meanwhile I’m the type that always wants to resolve any issue immediately through discussion. And it’s less so is at odds and more so that I’m fixated while she’s oblivious because I don’t tell her anymore due to the previously mentioned dislike of in depth discussion.

[Idk6156]

Also yes I do in fact follow. It just is remarkable to me that the experience could differ so much. I thought everyone’s body just felt the same way, if you don’t finish you don’t get that satisfying feeling. The idea that she might still get that feeling when she’s with me provides some comfort. Thank you for that. I also found the point about those who orgasm during rape to be quite insightful. Even though it is a horrible experience it still happens which also makes me feel a bit better that perhaps the unforgiving ruler I’ve been using might not even be a the best way to measure my performance.

[Heather]

Oh phew, I'm really glad. Because whoever said that to you isn't someone I'd want *anyone* with as a partner. That's put-your-pants-on-leave-and-don't-come-back territory, IMHO. I also strongly suspect that statement clearly did you some real damage. I'm really sorry she said that to you.

I will say this: you can't be in an intimate relationship with someone without communicating. Communication is really the biggest piece of intimacy, it just is. Mind, you also can't always resolve things instantly in intimate relationships, either, and sometimes you can't resolve some things at all. But people 100% need to be communicating if they are going to be close and if intimacy is to happen and be healthy and grow. Sexual relationships are intimate relationships, so they will always require not just some, but quite a lot of communication if they're to be beneficial.

I have to run into a training I'm running now, but I can circle back tomorrow morning. I'm actually starting to think this might work better for us as a live chat where we can go back and forth a lot quicker. If you're up for that, we can talk possible days and times tomorrow, if you like.

[Heather]

perhaps the unforgiving ruler I’ve been using might not even be a the best way to measure my performance.

YES. In fact, thinking of sex as performance PERIOD is a problem, all by itself. I'm glad you had this insight!

[Idk6156]

I’d quite like that. You’re a kind soul.

[Heather]

That's a nice thing to say, thank you. <3

I'm happy to help. Let me know some days and time windows that could work for you? My tomorrow is pretty flexible from about 2-5 CST, if that's any good, and if not, I could make a little time Friday afternoon or even Sunday afternoon.

[Idk6156]

Currently I’m taking it easy for the summer so I got no work or anything to worry about. I typically wake up around 2-3pm est but I could wake up earlier if need be. I’m not really doing anything y’know . Just checked the conversions for cst to est and those hours work perfectly fine for me.

[Heather]

Great. Let's put a pin in tomorrow at 4 EST then? I'll drop you a link here in the morning.

[Idk6156]

Sounds good

[Heather]

Here's that link for you! https://chat.scarleteen.com/

[Idk6156]

Sorry when I clicked the link you sent and tried to go back to the chat it wouldn’t let me.

[Heather]

That's odd, I'll let our tech team know. I copied the last of what I said to you before I said I had to go (it's time for me to finish some things so I can head out of work) so you didn't miss it. And then we can do a chat like that again nest week if you want, pick up on boards, or both.

Yeah, gimme a sec, I'll get one for you. Emily is great, and very easy to understand. I first met her when she was still a student.
14:06:36
I think you'll like her style.
14:07:26
Here's some audio: https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_nagoski ... e_together
14:08:15
Here's some text: https://scribepublications.co.uk/books- ... 14/extract
14:09:14
I also think that it would go a long way to say to her some of the things you have said to me about her and this. Like, "I feel really good with you, and I really want to do all I can to be sure I'm doing the things I can so you feel as good with me."
14:09:55
Again, you want to take the focus OFF orgasm. Orgasm tends to happen when people experience lots of pleasure sexually and have sexual experiences that are focused on pleasure, not focused on orgasm.
14:10:28
But then, again, even if orgasm doesn't happen, if the focus was on pleasure -- and we need communication for that to at least some degree -- it won't matter that much, anyway.
14:11:04
Sometimes, you know, human beings can even experience sex in such a way where when the pleasure is so high, even when orgasms are happening, it isn't easy to tell when you're having an orgasm and when you're just feeling really really good.
14:11:14
As Emily likes to say, pleasure is the measure.