i’m 20 and i’ve never been in love

[blytheblue]

i’m a 20 year old girl in college. at my big age; I’ve never dated. never kissed anyone. never had sex as embarrassing as it is and I’ve never fallen in love. it’s getting to a point where it’s starting to hurt - and i feel pathetic about it, about having no experience, nothing at all. I feel unlovable, as though no one looks my way even though i do my best to dress nicely, hoping i’ll meet someone who might just notice me.

to make things even harder for myself i barely form crushes on people and find it hard to fall in love in the first place, either i have very high standards or im emotionally constipated. I only fall for celebrities or fictional characters - people completely unobtainable because there’s comfort in the fact that there is no talking stage, no moves to be made, no anxiety to deal with, because they aren’t real or present in my life. I feel like sex itself is such a scary thing too; it’s something i think about & wish i could experience but i’m so scared to be seen naked and vulnerable. I feel like i’d freeze up and die and I can’t ever imagine someone wanting me in that way.

whenever something does get to a point where it’s reciprocated, i get so scared. i chicken out. this has happened before in my life; my crushes faded away, and nothing became of it. I don’t know what to do; i form crushes sometimes, but never truly fall for someone. i always feel like if i try to act on something, i’ll regret it. maybe its just my anxiety???? or im just weird and sabotage everything for some reason?? I feel like i do this to myself.

it’s really starting to take a toll on me. it’s actually so stupid but i don’t know what to do - i’m shy, refuse to resort to dating apps, and i’m constantly hoping that my life will turn around and become the picture perfect romcom i imagine in my head. i feel so gross, ugly, and stupid about this. all i want is to be loved.

this is long and sort of vent ish but i hope it makes sense. i don’t know how to feel about all of this and i have no clue whether this means i have a problem or not. is this valid? am i normal or is there something wrong with me?

[char]

Hi blytheblue! Welcome to Scarleteen.

I'm so sorry to hear about your frustration when it comes to romance. It seems like you've been worried about this for quite some time. After all, feeling unloved may contribute to how you feel about your own worth.

First of all, what you're experiencing is quite common in folks around your age, as the emerging adult stage is where one begins to ponder their intimate relationships, be it platonic or romantic. The media we consume doesn't help, either; romantic couples are everywhere, and their relationship is often portrayed as inherently wholesome and heartwarming. But I feel like you also understand that what we see (and hear) in the media isn't always truthful to what real life actually entails. As you've shared, the journey leading up to romance (i.e. dating) can be daunting and complicated--even among people who have had romantic relationships before. Hence, I'd like you to know that you're not the only young person who feels this way; we've had others come to us in the past asking about the same thing!

Also, from your post, it seems to me that you believe that:

• not yet having sex at your age is embarassing

• not having any experience, romantic or sexual, is pathetic and hurtful

You've also shared that whenever your crush is reciprocated, you "chicken out" and nothing became of it. Well, I'd like to invite you to reflect on your current thoughts on romance and sexuality, because I think it could help with understanding what you want from intimate relationships. What do you think influences you to believe that these situations are true? What do you find especially valuable in romance and sex? If someone else shared the same sentiment as you on these topics, what would you say to them?

I feel like these articles would be a good starting point for you:

• I Just Want A Relationship

• It’s All Right: There Is No One Right Time to Start Dating

• How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire

• Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience

I hope this helps! If you have anything else to discuss, I'm all ears

[DemiKitten]

I don't know if it'll make you feel any better but I'm 21 and I just had my first kiss ever like a few weeks ago.. Sometimes we're just not ready yet..or like me I was just too scared of men. I'm bi/omni but with a stronger attraction to men. It took me some time to get over the fear of them. I find that going to local groups/clubs helps. Making friends first before dating helps me too..but that's mainly because I'm demisexual/demiromantic.

[KierC]

Hi BlytheBlue

I also didn’t have my first sexual experiences until adulthood! You are totally not alone here. I really resonate with what you said, too, DemiKitten. I think everyone has different reasons for starting to explore sexual activity when they do, and for me I was also very anxious and scared of men. I also found that being more in community with those around you can really help. <3