am i lesbian or do i just love my girlfriend?

[pinkbutterflies]

Hi, I need help. I've identified as bisexual since I was about 14, I'm 19 turning 20 this year. Technically, I have a girlfriend but we aren't actually together because we have homophobic parents and she's struggling with her own sexuality as I'm the first girl she's been with... it's a lot. Anyway, before her I dated a man for 7 months and I broke up with him, simply because I wasn't happy anymore. Since her and I have been whatever we've been, I've never been happier with anyone else and I've said that a million times but the second we confessed our feelings for each other it always felt different like a good different. She's just the light in my life, my biggest fan, she's really my everything. This isn't really about her I just love talking about her. Going back to my ex boyfriend, 9/10 times we had sex I DID NOT enjoy it. Like it always made me feel super uncomfortable and we would stop a lot midway because I couldn't keep going. Sometimes I would cry from being so uncomfortable. (I want to make it known that there was nothing he did himself that made me feel that way it was literally just the act of intercourse that made me feel ill. He was very understanding and would stop anytime I felt this way.) I've had sex with 2 other men and I didn't like it those times either and I just thought it was because I wasn't in love with them or something but I just found myself laying there, faking enjoyment. Even typing this right now is making me cringe. I would pay money to never have sex with a man again. But there's nothing about having sex with that girl that grosses me out. Do you see the problem? How can I be bi if I don't even like men's genitals for real. I made the subject am I lesbian or do I love my girlfriend because I genuinely don't see anyone but her, there is no one in this world that is more attractive to me than her. I feel bad admitting this, but even when I was with my ex I was attracted to her! I'm just confused, so confused to the point where I don't even know if I want to be with a man again it like makes me upset. It's strange though because I've had my fair share of crushes on men, like I even imagined marrying them, but now I'm not so sure!!!!

[Sofi]

Hi pinkbutterflies, welcome to the boards!

I hear your confusion, but I want to reassure you there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be with a man sexually or being a lesbian. The label is up to you to decide, we can't really tell you if you're bisexual or a lesbian, that's for you to decide (you also don't NEED a label, many people just don't use one, or use "queer" for example).

When I hear you say you have crushes on men but don't enjoy sex with them, it could be you're biromantic but not bisexual. Again, this is totally okay, and it's for you to decide. It's common to question your sexuality and it's also common for it to be fluid and change over time. There's no pressure to know or decide any time soon, especially because you have a girlfriend you're happy with. For now, how would it be to just lean into this relationship and enjoy it without having to label your sexuality? Would that be something you could try?

[pinkbutterflies]

Hi Sofi, thank you for the reply!
Your words definitely made me feel better, for now I think it's best if I don't try to strictly label my sexuality, it doesn't really matter what I identify as because I know my feelings for her are real regardless of what I label myself as. Maybe I'll explore the biromantic label as I never thought of it like that. Thanks so much for the advice! <3

[Sofi]

I'm so glad it was helpful! It sounds like you have a great connection with your girlfriend, so I just want you to be able to enjoy that and not feel any guilt around your sexuality. It's okay to keep exploring that with yourself, but also totally fine to land on no label or a more umbrella label. Whatever you're comfortable with is perfectly okay.