I have developed a work crush recently

[Queerbookworm]

So as the title implies, I developed a work crush on one of my coworkers and I’m wondering if he might like me back or if he’s just being friendly. I’m chubby which I feel adds an extra layer of “well does he?” to it. I haven’t truly known him that long either. For the record we work at a grocery store together.

Anyway, we recently started getting along really well. He’s always smiling at me, he tends to (sometimes) strike up conversations with me, he teases me ever so often (or so I think?), he praises me for my work all the time - “you’re doing great”, “I’ve never seen someone do that so well!”, so forth. He has once or twice mirrored my actions (if I crossed my arms he crossed his while we looked at each other). He asks questions when he has talks with me (for example “when is your birthday”, “what are you doing this weekend”, etc). He often lightly touches my shoulder or high-fives me. We always smile when we look at each other. It feels like he often notices me, at least more than my other coworkers. I asked him to help me one time with something heavy. After he had helped me, he said something like “I can do that because of these” or something referring to his muscles I’m pretty sure. He usually comments on my work too, like “that looks heavy” or “who put you up to deal with all of that?”. He once did something he technically wasn’t supposed to, and when he saw my expression afterwards (I’m quite expressive) he said “You liked that didn’t you?” or something like that all smiles.

Once I made a silly joke about something with a lemon and he laughed like he meant it. After the joke he remarked “you sure have lots of jokes today don’t you?”. Last time I saw him, he had gotten a haircut and during the last hour of my shift he came over to talk about it and asked for my opinion. He encouraged me to get one too, saying I should do it with him and that it’d suit me. During another one of our conversations within the same week, we were sat at the computer just me and him in the room. I don’t recall what led up to it, but I asked something along the lines of “is it the computer or me that makes you nervous?” To which he replied “both” (from what I remember anyway).

Granted, I’m relatively certain he was looking at the computer as he said it, but still. I’m not sure if he treats his coworkers the same way as he does with me. I don’t think he does but that could be wishful thinking on my part. All that being said, we haven’t hung out outside of work nor do I have his socials. We don’t have any contact outside of work. He hasn’t asked for mine nor has I asked for his (although I’m thinking of asking for his number or something seeing as I’m no longer going to be working there in August). One part of me thinks he’s genuinely just being friendly and that there’s nothing more to it. Plus I have no idea if he has a partner or not. I also wouldn’t dream of pursuing anything with him if I found out he did, I would let it be what it is - a work crush. But I have no idea honestly. If anyone has any advice or ideas on whether or not he likes me, please help a girl out!

[Heather]

Hey there, queerbookworm.

Before I say anything else, am I right in assuming you're trying to sort out if he also has feeling for you because if he does, and if he's available to date, you'd want to date him? If so, can I ask if you know what your workplace policies are about intimate relationships with co-workers? If not, I'd look into that before you get too invested or we talk more about what might be to come. Intimate relationships at workplaces can be pretty tricky, period, and often aren't advisable, but that's all the more an issue in workplaces that have rules around intra-office relationships.

[Queerbookworm]

Hi Heather! Thank you for replying. Yes, I’m curious to know whether or not he might like me back potentially. As for the policies, I’m not quite sure. I was figuring since I’m leaving our common workplace in early August anyway if the policies still would apply if we had contact outside of work and whatnot?

[Sofi]

Hi Queerbookworm,

FYI- I edited your original post to add paragraph breaks, this is an accessibility ask we have for our users, since a few of us struggle to read long walls of text.

I do think waiting until August/after you're gone is a good idea, as the policies would not still apply.
My best advice here is not to rush and to keep building a friendship first. If he is open to exchanging phone numbers and then hanging out outside of work, that's a good sign he at least wants to be your friend outside work. Once that friendship is established and you get to know each other outside of the co-worker context, you can always just directly ask.

We really can't assume if someone likes us based off queues like laughing at jokes, smiling, striking up conversations etc. as this could mean there's a romantic interest as much as it could mean they want to be or already view you as a friend. The best thing is to just get to know him better after you're done working there, you can ask if he has a partner already, and if you're still feeling like there's a flirty vibe, you can ask or let him know how you feel (we can help you navigate how to approach that conversation). <3

[Heather]

Got it. Thanks for clearing both those things up for me.

You know, the thing is, we are all so incredibly different in the ways we express our feelings to other people in our behaviours, like Sofi said. This is why it's most helpful for any of us to express our feelings in words, too, and to ask in words if and when we're trying to get a real read on how someone feels about us and what kind of relationship they do or might want with us.

It certainly sounds like you two have a nice vibe, and it certainly sounds like he enjoys your company. But beyond that, it's really impossible to say. Since it sounds like you might *want* to have a relationship with him outside of work, how do you feel about asking him if he wants to hang out with you sometime after/outside work to both see if that's something he wants, and, if so, to see how that goes with the two of you, including if it presents what feels like a good opportunity to ask about things like if he's currently dating or his feelings about you?

[Queerbookworm]

Hi Sofi and Heather!

Firstly, thank you Sofi for making me aware! I apologize for not adding spaces between my paragraphs in the first place. I hope it isn’t/wasn’t too much of an inconvenience having to go through all that way :’) I appreciate it.

And Heather, I agree and can see your point as well as Sofi’s. I think it’s a cause of me also going way ahead in the excitement or prospect of potentially dating him after a friendship has been established and he wants more than that and whatnot. I’m really enjoying his company immensely, but that being said of course I’m not sure if he wants to hang out once I leave or not.

Furthermore if he wants to be friends or have any contact with me or if it is/wasn’t merely a work thing.
Either way, I’m thankful for your support and advice and will be sure to keep it in mind and take it slow, not in a rush after all. <//3

[Queerbookworm]

Also Heather, good idea with asking him to hang out together. I’ve been working up the courage to ask for his number in the first place seeing as I’m leaving soon. I think the fear of rejection scares me in any capacity, so my worst fear is that I want to ask him to hang out (or even for his number) and he says no - which he has every right to do of course. But still, it’s a fear of mine.

[Heather]

I understand that. Have you ever read this piece here: What’s In A No? If not, I think it might be a helpful one for you. It's mostly about no's and sex, but I think it's more generally applicable, too.

I personally find it helpful to think of no's to asks I'd ideally want a yes or maybe for not as rejections of the person being said no to, or as really about the person being said no to much at all, but as the person saying the no letting us know something about them. In other words, in the event he doesn't want to hang out with you, he might be letting you know things like that he doesn't extend work relationships past work, or that he might have romantic feelings for you but be invested in an exclusive relationship with someone else, or that he already has a big friend group and feels overextended, just as some examples.

It might also be helpful to think about what him saying no to this actually will do to you if it happens -- like hurt your feelings, for instance -- and what you can do to be ready, if that happens, for what you need to care for yourself. After all, people are going to say no to us or something to do with us a lot in our lives, especially if we actually put ourselves out there, so it's going to happen. More times than not, those no's won't do things like make it so we can't eat or have somewhere safe to sleep, and instead will have impacts that might not be great, but also are totally manageable. If we know how to care for ourselves in situations like these, it can be a lot less daunting to put ourselves at risk of a no. <3

[Heather]

I think you should ask for that number and that hang, btw. Even if it doesn't go anywhere else, it really sounds like you two have been growing a fun and warm friendship at work, and it sounds like it would at least be nice to keep doing that more if he has interest.

[Queerbookworm]

I actually have not read that piece yet, but I am going to now. thank you for suggesting it!

Yeah you’re right, you can’t go through life without getting a few no’s. Realistically I know that to be true too deep down, yet the fear is hard to get rid off completely sometimes, especially when you’re being vulnerable too.

That’s true, there’s nothing to lose, so to speak, by asking and potentially getting rejected either way. At least I’ve tried and was vulnerable.

I do agree whatever friendship we have been building/building towards is really great and seems like we both enjoy it, so being together and bonding more certainly wouldn’t hurt I think. <//3

[Heather]

You're absolutely right: just because you will still be okay after a no doesn't make it not feel scary, especially if, again, you don't really have a plan or tactics you know work for you to take care of yourself if or when you feel rejected. What do you think about thinking about what that might look like, that care of yourself if rejection happens, so maybe make it feel a little less scary? Or at least, if still scary, also manageable?

[Queerbookworm]

I think that’s a really good idea. It’s about finding the good ways to do so. Figure out some tools or ways to take care of myself in case of rejection. I reckon that’d help immensely. I’ll try to do that, thank you! <3

[Heather]

You're welcome! I hope that however you choose to move forward with any of this, that it goes well! Feel free to circle back if we can give you any other or more help or support. <3

[Queerbookworm]

Thank you so much, I definitely will! I appreciate your support immensely. <3