something is off

[PomPom]

so, long time no see… i don’t know where to start.
I’m 17 now and see another girl, she’s 19. we met each other through our friend group and she just texted me one day, that’s how we started talking. it’s been about two weeks already. we started making right on our first meeting, and i actually liked it. she’s the first person in my life with whom kissing doesn’t seem weird and uncomfortable, with her it’s pretty cool and cute, though it’s still not my fav activity. i also got turned on when she was kissing my neck, and i get nervous/aroused when she touches my leg or my waist. it’s nice, it’s cute. she’s herself also very good person, she’s interesting to talk to, she’s kind and very self-aware. we like different things but we both like art in all shapes or forms. even though she’s very-very vanilla (and it’s pretty upsetting) and i am very kinky and perverted person she doesn’t seem repulsed about it, and she seems interested in learning. but something feels off to me, i can’t quite put my finger on it but something is off. i guess it’s my feelings, i’m not sure if i feel anything other than arousal to her. arousal in answer to her actions/touch. and i don’t even know what i should feel. maybe it’s too soon, or i don’t know..

[Latha]

Welcome back, PomPom!

It’s okay that you’re unsure of your feelings about this person — we can think through it together. To begin, I want to say that I don’t think there are any rules about how you should feel here. Your feelings are what they are, and they can’t really be wrong.

It sounds like you like this girl as a person, and you feel aroused when you are together, but you’re not sure that the two of you are fully compatible. Do you feel like you should be more interested in her, or perhaps that your feelings don’t match hers? Is this relationship progressing faster than you feel comfortable with?

[PomPom]

yeah, i guess answer is yes to every question you asked. i feel like i should be more interested in her, i guess more in love? and also because it progressed this fast i just can’t get to that level yet. and the main thing that concerns me is that i’m kinky and she’s vanilla. she doesn’t see a problem in it, but i guess she doesn’t understand how kinks works fully, she saw my results in the bdsm test, but it’s all umbrella terms there so she doesn’t get the full picture yet. but she told me that she might be ready to try something in the future, but it still concerns me. in what future what will happen then how will it happen?

[Sofi]

So two weeks is NOT enough time to be in love, for anyone. It's enough time to like someone, and be interested in them romantically and/or sexually, but not to be actually in love. Love takes time because it's a decision you make - to get to know someone deeply, and choose them as a person you want to invest time into. There's nothing wrong with you not feeling in love yet, it would be more concerning if you already did.

Regarding the different sexual interests, I wanna start of by addressing the term 'kink'. The idea that there is "vanilla" vs "kinky" sex is just reinforcing that there's such a thing as "normal" sexuality and anyone outside of that is "perverted". It's a useless framework, because it's subjective - one person's 'kink' is someone else's 'vanilla', and it's just not a good way to represent the diversity of sexuality.

That said, people's preferences (a better term than 'kinks', because that's all they are) can and do often change over time, or based on their partner. Some people are okay with trying or doing things they wouldn't typically do, say, during solo sex, with a partner who's into that. As long as it's not something they're uncomfortable with, it's okay for people to experiment and try new things. It sounds like that's something she's willing to do, and boxing her into a "vanilla" label is doing her a disservice and closing the door to you two exploring new things together. She might not end up enjoying all of them, maybe just some, and that's okay as everyone likes different things. The best thing to do is have patience and let her go at her own pace - together you can discuss what you're comfortable trying and not, and figure out what you enjoy.

If you decide this is someone you want to keep getting to know and being physically intimate with, it might be good to go through this checklist separately first, and then you can discuss it together to learn each other's fantasies and boundaries: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

[PomPom]

(it’s a long story, i call the girl who i had intimacy with “T”) so yeah, eventually we had intimacy with T, and i didn’t come because i got too stressed that i won’t cum. and it’s fine a bad experience is still an experience and i don’t even see this as something bad, the problem is how we both responded to this situation after all.

T was cold in the morning and seemed upset. i texted her afterwards explaining the situation from my perspective and hoping we can solve this issue, even if i didn’t see one. she told me that she thinks that we’re too different and we won’t continue this relationship. i was still positive about the situation hoping that she’ll calm down and we can talk later. but before she calmed down she got defensive, she tried to explain the situation but all i got was “it’s not you it’s me” when i told her that it looks like she just dumped me after sex she told me that “ i can think whatever i want”.

this when i made a mistake on my part, i told our mutual friend the whole situation and the more we talked the more angry, upset and disappointed i was getting. and then i told not our one mutual friend but four in the end, even though i knew it’s wrong thing to do. basically 80% of our friend group knew and i also told two my other friends, whole thing. by the evening i was very disappointed with her but i got a lot of support so i didn’t feel guilty.
it quickly went down when T’s best friend called one of my friend just to talk and when they touched on that situation (why they’re were ignored in the group chat) they told him what happened, and he got upset that i told everyone and that my friends “were laughing at T”
so everyone started fighting in the group chat (he quickly changed the chat photo to my ugly picture) and my friends started calling out T on her bullshit and defending me.

T called me very angry that i told everyone, then she called me again explaining why she wanted to end things. by the evening before we had sex she had about “30% doubts about our relationship but she decided to still go with the vibe and have sex with me, she thought it will be cool. and when it wasn’t cool it was like a final straw and she doesn’t want to take responsibility to what will might happen next if we continue dating” she also told me that there was a chance that thing would’ve turned out differently if i kept my mouth shut. but from her words i didn’t see it, and honestly in the evening (before we talked) i wasn’t sure if i want to continue all this stuff after our first talk. then till 4am chat was a bloody hell.

my friends turned against T telling what a bad decision she made and she’s acting like a monster while T was defensive and didn’t say anything that could’ve changed the situation. we also talked together a lot, she was telling me to tell my friends to stop if i wasn’t feeling like i was used (i don’t know if i was used, at this moment i think no. at the time i was just confused and i still am) but my friends can have their own opinions, can’t they? she also made a lot of other comments like “i was treating you so good (i can agree to that she was treating me good, that why i was so shocked how she started acting in one night) and now you say like i used you, like i couldn’t use you in our first sleepover” and other stuff that i find questionable. like she told me at first she wanted just be friends but she also asked me out to drink with her, and she herself was saying that she’s more comfortable when she’s tipsy with all this stuff. so i guess she had in mind what would happen if we were drunk. but still.

my friends tell me i’m not guilty at all and my teacher (i told her because i trust her and she’s into bdsm too) told me that i should’ve keep our conversations private and aggression from T was expected and she can understand her. i can agree to everyone but i don’t know what to think.

i should’ve keep my mouth shut at least until we talked but i got hyped up by my friend telling me that she’s in the wrong, and i also felt like all my positive emotions to her were long gone before evening. i knew what i was doing but i still allowed myself to do this. i felt like i was tired of always being/feeling like i should be the reasonable one if people around me dont act reasonable at all. and it’s bad because even though i was angry, upset and disappointed and i had this nasty feeling in my chest i still wasn’t fully consumed by my emotions, more by the want to seem like a 100% victim in this situation. and my friends opinions can’t be fully objective because they’re my friends and they were suspicious about T from the beginning. and i used this power of our connections and their care for me against T because i could. i guess in the end i traumatized her more that every her other ex and more than she could ever traumatize me.

but i still feel confused and i dont feel guilty. i know that i have to take responsibility and i can’t always be victim and i can’t search this in everyone, running around my friends and relatives trying to find another confirmation that I am good person and did a right thing to do. but i still don’t feel guilty. even though i know i should apologize. i also guess i’m texting this because of the exact same reasons i told everyone everything. but i feel like im really tired of always being the reasonable one and always trying to be a good person, even though i’m not. i guess i need a third, constructive opinion, before i text T with apology, because even though i love people around me they’re not psychologists and they’re not trained to have talks with people and their opinions aren’t objective.

[mikky]

Hey Pom Pom,
Quick note: I edited your post to add some paragraph breaks for accessibility as it’s hard for some of us to read big walls of text. If you can break your replies up in the future we’d appreciate it!

It does not sound like how T treated you was respectful or cool. The things that T brought up while feeling upset are especially concerning.

You’ve observed where things went off the rails in talking to your friends. You were feeling hurt, and it helped to have people on “your side.” It can be really tempting to campaign against people, but as you are experiencing now, it can end up messy, and not bring about resolution. It doesn’t seem like your friend group is handling this situation very well, and is using your confusing and disappointing experience to create a bit of a firestorm. It doesn’t mean you should have kept your experience and conversations with T totally secret, but in the future, it might help to remember how your friends helped or hurt the situation. You mentioned you talked to a teacher about this- can you tell us some more about that dynamic?

i felt like i was tired of always being/feeling like i should be the reasonable one if people around me dont act reasonable at all. and it’s bad because even though i was angry, upset and disappointed and i had this nasty feeling in my chest i still wasn’t fully consumed by my emotions, more by the want to seem like a 100% victim in this situation.

This is such an understandable (and relatable) feeling. I’ve had some moments like this (eff this, I’m always the one being reasonable!!). It can be hard when things aren’t clear cut, one way or another. When we seek to be a “victim,” we might feel off the hook on taking accountability, or expect care and compassion from friends. In reality, things are usually much messier. It doesn’t mean we don’t deserve care and support, though.

My biggest suggestion for you is to give some cool off time. If the chat is still going, maybe send a message for your friends to back down, since it sounds like that space is not producing accountability from anyone, nor resolving any difficult feelings. If T is in a defensive position, feeling like the whole group is against her, an apology right now probably won’t mean much, and might even stoke further conflict.

When you feel like you can look at the situation with some more nuance- instead of I am 100% in the wrong, or 100% the victim- and give some time for it to be less of a group project, then you might be able to have a more productive conversation with T. I wonder what you might also want to hear from T. Would an apology be meaningful? What about the friend group at large- would a conversation about how to handle interpersonal conflict be productive?

[PomPom]

thank you, i’ll try to break texts like this im future.
about my dynamic with my teacher: she’s my design teacher for three years and i feel very close to her, she’s supportive and since she’s also into bdsm and also bisexual during our classes i could always come to her for advice, and she gives pretty good ones, usually the ones that opens my eyes. on this situation she told me that she understands T and that it was wrong to tell the whole group. she also told that this is still an experience and it’s fine if it happened like this. she also told me that i also should hold responsibility for our intimacy since there were two of us. i agree.

about the group chat: my friends stopped talking to T. some to her best friend too. T has done some bad stuff to one of my friends a few years ago (started dating with friend’s ex, it has hurt her), so their relationship was already shaky and my friend told that she didn’t feel safe with T even though she tried to forgive her and things are different now. one of my friends will have a talk with T’s best friend because they’re also have relationships going on and they’re on different teams here.

i also don’t feel like i’m 100% wrong or in the 100% right. i feel we both reacted on our emotions. i’m trying to take responsibility for my actions, but i don’t feel guilty still. and i also don’t know what it means taking responsibility in this exact situation. only if we try to talk again with T i guess, just to clear things out.

[PomPom]

from T i want some clarity about all this situation, and i guess i also kinda miss talking to her a little bit, and miss this whole vibe of being liked and having some form of relationship. i don’t know what i felt for her, but i talked about it before. she texted me now, asking to meet tomorrow morning, and i want to handle this situation properly, at least from my side. i didn’t tell my friends about it, i guess i’ll tell them after we talk.

[mikky]

Figuring out what it means to take responsibility is certainly a tough project. When I read back through your post, it seems like you felt you should’ve talked to T before your friends began to outwardly react to the situation. To me, that sounds pretty reasonable, and aligned with the situation at hand. You also said that you felt you’d traumatized T more than any of her other exes- I don’t think that is a very accurate read of the situation, nor something you need to take accountability for. How do you feel about giving this some time? Do you feel ready to talk tomorrow morning?

I also want to note that while I love to know there is an accepting, supportive adult in your world, and your teacher seems to be someone you trust, that there is a responsibility on your teacher to set good boundaries. I don’t know the details of your relationship, but if anything ever feels off or uncomfortable, we are here to talk about it.

[PomPom]

i don’t know if i’m ready to talk tomorrow, but i guess i’ll go with it anyway. i’m still trying to process my emotions.

[PomPom]

i feel some sort of longing and then i also feel disgust and anger and i also don’t feel guilty still. is it bad?

[HannahP]

Hi PomPom! I think it's great that you're trying to identify your feelings — that is such a good practice! There are no bad feelings to have, in my opinion. It's good to try to name what feelings you're experiencing without judging them.

Do you want to say more about your feelings of longing, disgust, and anger? What are you longing for? What disgusts you? What angers you?

[PomPom]

i guess i’m longing for the vibe we had,
i liked being liked by her. and it was also good to talk to her in general.
i also get kinda angry or rather happy that i did what i’ve done. i feel like yeah, she deserved it, screw her. she shouldn’t have messed up like this in the first place.
but i also feel disgusted. when i look a our photos together or remember how it was to kiss her. i just get disgusted from time to time. because i allowed her to do all this stuff with me because i thought that she’s a good person and you can trust her. maybe i wasn’t in love with her, maybe sometimes because we started spending too many time together she started annoying me a little, i still liked it, i still wanted to spend time with her and still wanted to do this. and she just treated me like this. and not also did she left she also said not very good things while being emotional. when i look at them while im more or less calmed down i see her like a cornered animal that tries to bite everyone out of fear, i see that she was hurt. but i can’t erase this nasty feeling i get while thinking about some things she told me. like “i hope it’s the first time you wanted. don’t say thank you” and i get that you were hurt by my actions, i can also say hurtful things to some people when we fight, but to say that… it’s just nasty.
i also wanted to say that these feelings can come in waves alone(like me feeling only longing and wishing i could take some of the things i did back, or me being just solely angry with her) but they also come all mixed together, especially when i’m trying to figure out what to say to her.

[PomPom]

and i also don’t feel guilty still, i think that should, and i know that i did a bad thing, and i guess i’ll think twice when something like this happen again but damn…how i liked to see that group chat burn with messages. how i liked when my friends got on my side, how i liked this drama. it’s bad, i know it’s bad but i can’t feel guilty. it felt so good to finally get some revenge, especially since this stuff (people telling me how they like me and want to be with me and then when i’m ready to take it a bit further they dump me. and i don’t see them feeling guilty at all while i was thinking a lot about what i should and shouldn’t feel while they look like they don’t care at all) is a pattern that keeps happening. and every time they say that they don’t understand how i could be treated this way and then they end things with exact same messages. EXACT WORDS. and it felt so good to not try to understand them at least for a moment and just act like a bitch. i know i need to be a better person and blah blah blah, i know this, i know this all and i agree but it felt soooo good to just be protected, to see that my friends are actually angry for what happened to me, maybe even MORE than me. it’s bad and i’m acting like a little attention seeker and drama queen, and i know i have it in me to be more responsible and respectful, but it felt too good, at least a little bit of revenge, for me.

[Heather]

Hi there, PomPom.

You know, I may be missing some nuance here -- and please let me know if you feel like I've just gotten this wrong -- but it sounds like this whole thing has been very drama-ful, all around, with everyone involved, not just you. You two only just met a few weeks ago at most, yes? So you only have even been dating for a few weeks at most? If so, even talking about this, on anyone's part, like this was some kind of major relationship, or treating it like it was one, feels like the whole thing has been blown out of proportion.

When we first start dating someone, that's just so we can start to get to know each other and *see* what things are between us, what we each might want, and what, if any, kind of relationship it might feel right to build between us. And given that it often takes a lot of tries with dating before we meet people we actually really click with, where we actually want the same things at the same time, I'd say that more times than not, dating doesn't turn into an ongoing romantic or sexual relationship, and that it's pretty common for mismatches like this clearly was (and from the sounds of things, not just sexually) to end before they really even get started.

You said there has been a pattern of:

people telling me how they like me and want to be with me and then when i’m ready to take it a bit further they dump me.

It might be that this is less about someone dumping you in an established relationship and more someone choosing not to take dating further. If that sounds right, it may be that something you can do yourself to try and change this pattern is to not consider yourself in relationship with someone as early as it sounds like you might be, but instead to consider that dating is a sort of try-on that happens BEFORE the people involved decide to a relationship. I know, including from experience, that that doesn't mean that when people choose not to keep dating or build something bigger it still won't sting, because it still does sometimes, but it might not sting quite so *much*. Know what I mean?

By all means, too, talking about very intimate stuff in a group chat with shared friends of someone you're dating is just bad form, as is trying to get any kind of "revenge," and you already know that. It does also sound to me like some of the problem in all of this is that everyone's -- again, not just you -- emotional maturity in all this hasn't exactly been at an all-time high. That's not super surprising since you're all so young. If you want to talk at some point about how to get the kind of emotional support you (validly) wanted from your friends in a way that cares more for everyone's feelings involved, and that doesn't leave anyone feeling exposed, I'm happy to talk about that with you. I'm also happy to talk with you about how to extract yourself from a relationship, from dating, or from an interaction with someone who is being hurtful, should it happen again to you.

It sounds to me, though, like at this point, it's time to just do yourself a solid and move on as best you can. You know you didn't handle some of this well, and it sounds like you intend to handle anything like this differently in the future. I don't think it sounds like T is going to show up and take any kind of responsibility for their part in all this, which is probably disappointing, but at the same time, it also sounds like it's best the both of you just aren't in contact anymore, period.

How does all of this land with you?

[PomPom]

thank you. yes i want to know how to get support for my friends in more healthy way. i also want to say that we and T talked together, and discussed this whole situation. she apologized for her actions and told me that she doesn’t want to lose me. i apologized for mine. she’s still very angry at my friends who protected me, but i think she should understand them, because her friend also tried to protect her.
anyway, i’m not sure about this, but i thought that i can stop talking to her anytime, but try something again only right now.
my friends are NOT happy. and i can understand them. they’re deeply disappointed and upset. and i feel bad that i involved them in this situation so bad. it’s the only thing that concerns me here, the only thing i feel guilty for. they care for me so much and i shouldn’t allow them to get so involved in this.

[Heather]

I don't think you are responsible for your friends' participation. Your friends all had and have agency, so while it's on you for having brought this to the group chat, I don't think it's on you for anyone who participated in that chat. After all, any of your friends could have declined to do that or could have left at any time.

So, if your friends are saying they are still upset with you about it, you may need to gently remind some or all of them that they made the choice to stay involved once you brought this to them, and then made choices to participate however they did.

Now, I don't personally think it sounds like a good idea for you and T to get back together -- seriously, OMG, no, no, no, you two should clearly have seen what a bad mix you were and how this is likely to lead to nothing good, and likely a whole lot more drama and other badness. So, if that is what your friends are worried about, I think it's sound of them to be worried. OTOH, if you two just had a final conversation in which you both took responsibility for your parts, apologized and plan to move on, then I don't understand what your friends are upset about. Can you fill me in on what it is they are actually not happy about at this point?

[PomPom]

their take is that T won’t change after this convo, and also that she has shown her true face and also said bad things to my friends (and i can agree on the last part)
they also say that she doesn’t seem like a very deep person and with my face card and my personality i should’ve pulled someone better. i don’t know. kinda agree kinda disagree.
i started talking to T again, we’ll go out in the Friday. but i don’t know, something is definitely feels off, and i notice that maybe yeah we aren’t that good of a match. i told her that i’m still not sure about this and asked her to give me some time. now i think that i when i agreed to get back together i was thinking with lower parts of my body for sure, because i definitely wanted to make out at least a little…. i don’t know, maybe this feeling will go away with time. what do you think

she also told me that she’s fine with the whole bdsm thing and never saw it as the problem. just to add

[Heather]

I agree with your friends about T showing you who she is and it not being good. I think T was actually verbally abusive with you, and that once someone shows us that they are abusive, we really should stay as far away from them as possible until or unless they do real work to change that, the kind that tends to take years in therapy, not just an apology. It also sounds like they have a history of treating people poorly, and that's unlikely to magically change, too.

I think that the lower parts of our bodies can be magical, for sure, and that they have many good qualities, but the ability to make good relationship decisions 1000% is not one of them. I personally would not suggest being sexual with this person, including making out. My best advice if you do go through with seeing T on Friday is that you use that time to have real, honest, very direct talks about what happened and about what work you would both need to do to actually change how you interact, again, the kind of work that takes time. I'd use an opening like that to see how T responds: if they get angry, or are flip or dismissive of the need to do real work for real change, then I think they will again be showing you that this is not something wise to pursue.

If they respond very differently, doing things like talking about all of their bad patterns, and are willing to do things like seek out therapy for themselves, and go very, very slow when it comes to re-establishing something with you, well then maybe me and your friends are reading T wrong and maybe it isn't so unwise to consider getting involved with them. I do very much doubt that will be how it goes, but I also only know what I know about this and about them from your posts here, so.

I honestly don't think your interest in BDSM and your desire to engage in BDSM activity with a partner was probably ever the core issue here, so I don't think what they said solves for the actual problems. I think a shared lack of emotional maturity (including of your friends, even saying things like "with my face card and my personality i should’ve pulled someone better" is a signal of people being really emotionally shallow and immature, IMHO), I think moving way too fast per treating this like a serious relationship (which is also a red flag for possibly abusive dynamics, btw), I think what sounds like verbal abuse on her part that she intended to harm you with, and I think that now, it feeling like you have to choose in some ways between T and your friends are the main big issues.

What do you think?

[PomPom]

hmm, i didn’t treat this like that. one of my psychologists told me that “we don’t love each other while we’re fighting”
she used this phrase while we were talking about my fights with my parents, that used to be pretty big. this phrase stick to me, i feel like it’s fitting, so i kinda let go of this. (maybe because it’s something im used to do in fights with my parents. they love me deeply but in fights, even small ones they can insult me, and they regret it afterwards, and always apologize)
i also want to know how to have this talk with T, how to manage it so it wouldn’t be awkward or useful. and what i should look into while talking to her, what patterns to notice.
i also want to say that i know that our relationship isn’t serious and i dont treat them as such (we don’t even officially dating) but i think its mature and generally a good thing to talk/think about all this stuff beforehand.

[Heather]

Per what I said about the relationship being treated as serious, I was talking about the way T talked about it, not the way you have. And by all means, yes, if and when we are in conflict with someone, I always think it's important to talk about it. If we're thinking about building a relationship with someone, I also think it's always good to talk a lot about any conflicts and about anything and everything that feels pertinent or possibly pertinent.

I don't think what that therapist said is applicable here, and I doubt that they would say that if any kind of verbal abuse was involved. If you think they would, then I'd simply disagree that that's a sound way to think about this. Someone accidentally hurting someone in an argument when they were trying very hard to just communicate their feelings is very different than people saying things to try and make the other person feel bad, which is more of that this sounded like to me. And again, you've said that she has a history of being harmful to people, not just you.

In terms of how to have the conversation and not have it be awkward, I'm not sure there's a way to avoid that. Instead, I think with conversations like this we just have to accept that they probably will be and be okay with that. After all, intimacy, of any kind, is awkward, period. Being involved with each other's big feelings is awkward. But it's also fine for things to be awkward: it's not like awkwardness is something that does harm or isn't something we can deal with, you know?

I think that one thing that might help is to let her know that if you see her Friday, what you want to do with that time is to try and really talk through all of this, including talking about what you'd both need to even consider getting involved again. I'd make clear that getting together Friday isn't getting back together, but instead, what you want is to talk and see how it feels to even just do that.

In terms of managing it, how do you feel about something like suggesting you both each get 15 minutes or so to just talk about your feelings and concerns uninterrupted, then time after that to talk together and see where you two want to take it from there with the conversation?

[PomPom]

i mean, we’ve talked about our feelings already. we had one talk already and it didn’t end with just apologizing. i asked her “ you told me that you had concerns before about our relationship, what they were, what you were feeling” and we both shared with this. but i guess i was more open about it than her. and i should have this talk again. but should i have it face to face, you think it will be easier to notice her reactions and patterns? what should i search? what red flags?

[Heather]

I saw you say that she apologized and said she didn't want to lose you. What I didn't see was anything from her talking about how she was going to change her behaviour moving forward, or even an acknowledgement of her patterns with hurting people, period. Again, while I think you two getting together just sounds like a really bad idea, period, if you're going to move forward with even considering that regardless, I think the last you need is that acknowledgement AND to hear her tell you what her plan is to change how she behaves.

If she is reactive -- including again saying hurtful or flippant things -- around all that, if she won't acknowledge those patterns, and if she doesn't seem to think she needs to do any ongoing work when it comes to this, I'd say those are all indications that this person is exactly as emotionally unhealthy a person as your friends, as I, and as even you, separate from your sexual feelings about her, seem to think she is. I'd also observe if she mostly keeps talking about herself: about how she can't lose you, for instance, which is ultimately just about what she wants, rather than talking about what kind of relationship she thinks you both could build over time that would be actually good for both of you.

I do think face to face is the best way to go with talks like this, and since you're meeting with her anyway, that seems like it's right there for you to do that with.

I do want to make one last bid here though to say that I would personally strongly advise you against dating this person again or being sexual with them again. I just really think it sounds like a bad idea and I think you'd be setting yourself up to get hurt again. But these are of course your choices, and you get to make them!

[PomPom]

thank you for your advice and for still letting me know that this is my choice to make. i decided to talk to her before Friday - it seemed better, because i wanted to just meet and talk, not try to put this inside our date. she agreed to meet me, but i’m nervous. i agree with your takes about what i should look into, they seem wise to me. but aside from this 15 minute talk about our emotions, i don’t know how to lead this convo. i also don’t know what to say because it feels like i said almost on our last talk. if it’s possible, can you give me some tips for this situation? i know that i’ll probably manage myself, but i would appreciate some help, better safe than sorry.

[lilikoi]

Hi Pompom!

I know that you mentioned you have already talked about your emotions but I did not hear you say that you know what you want in your relationship with T. In a dynamic where the other person's main desire is "I do not want to lose you", we can find ourselves accepting the bare minimum instead of expecting fair treatment that feels really good.

Figuring out what you want before your conversation allows you to approach T with a clear head about what is best for you. I would reflect on the type of connection you are comfortable with between you and T. I agree with Heather that this initial dating phase has revealed a lot about who T is as a partner. Even if she is willing to change, it is hard to know how long that will take. So, given what you know, what kind of connection do you want with T while you recover from the hurt that you experienced? Examples of that could be friendship, distance from each other for a period of time, or only spending time together in groups. There are many ways to move forward and, of course, it is up to you! Additionally, if you do stay connected in some way, what can T do to make you feel good about the relationship? You mentioned that some of what happened has left you with disgust and anger. So think about behaviors in your other relationships that leave you feeling happy, comforted, safe, and trusting. Do any come to mind?

In addition to communicating to T about the connection you want, Heather mentioned some things to look for from T that included 1) that she wants to change, 2) that she is apologetic or remorseful about the way she treated you, 3) that she is open to empathizing with your side of the story.

What do you think about all that?