I feel really lonely

[Max3_3]

Hello, I don't really like talking with others about my problems but I just feel like I need to get this off my chest, and I don't really wanna talk about this with my friends (they're amazing people and would probably listen to me, but I just don't want to bother them like I always do). I won't go too much into details and I'm not even sure if I can ask about these things so I apologize if it's too much or anything. I've been feeling a lot lonely, these recent weeks. I have always felt this loneliness in my heart, for some reason. I mean, I have good online friends and everything, but it just doesn't seem to help sometimes. I am a lesbian, so I know that loneliness is not uncommon for people like me, and I guess part of it it's because I live in Italy in a small town, I don't have much irl friends to go out with or events to go to. I don't feel safe at school either. And also, what I really struggle with, even if it's stupid maybe, is not having a partner. I've never kissed someone or hold hands, and I'm almost 19. I know this is okay, but I'm just really losing hope and think that I will never find a girlfriend. Seeing almost all my friends in relationships, while it makes me happy for them, it also reminds me of how alone I actually am. And when I talk about it all I hear is "it will happen someday!!" And I know theyre just trying to help, but it doesn't work. I know I'll be lonely forever, but I just hate this feeling so much. I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense, my thoughts are all over the place and I've been crying. I just appreciate any kind of advice on how to deal with this feeling, even just a little. I really struggle with my emotions a lot

[Tara]

Hi, Max3_3 :

Thank you for reaching out to us! You have definitely come to a safe place to share your thoughts and emotions related to your relationships, including loneliness, which is an aspect of relationships and dating that most of us struggle with at some point in our lives (or even have to revisit more frequently than desired, if you're like me! )

I am so sorry you're struggling with the emotions of loneliness. That's difficult and I do understand. I am glad to hear you have connections with online friends that you feel you could reach out to if needed - that is so important! Do your online friends live close to you where you could potentially schedule an in-person meet-up? It can be challenging meeting new people offline sometimes, but I have found the website Meetup to be a helpful resource to try new things with new people locally. I have used it to meet people who share the same hobbies I do.

I am hearing that you are desiring a romantic relationship, or partner - and I do understand the wait for that is difficult especially when your friends are in a relationship. I have been there too. Are you interested in or have you tried online dating? It's not always the solution and is not the preferred way for everyone, but is one way that others started to try dating and that you could try if you wanted. Sometimes getting involved in local programs, organizations, or events can also lead to closer friendships or partnerships!

I wanted to touch on your comment about not feeling safe at school. Are you willing to share more about that? Do you have anyone you can talk to or feel supported by at school?

I know advice, opinions, etc. are not always the solution to consoling our emotions or healing our broken hearts (sometimes our favorite music, movies, or pets are the best comforts for that), but I did find a couple of articles on our website (some are a little dated from the COVID-19 era), but as I read through these I found them encouraging for us single people, or at least motivating for ways we do things to feel better when we are lonely or single:
-Seven Things to Do if You're Alone During COVID-19: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/seven-t ... g-covid-19
-How Do I Cope with Loneliness and Depression During COVID-19?
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... g-covid-19
-How to Actually Date Yourself:
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... e-yourself
-It's Never Too Late to Start to Date
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/disabil ... start-date

Again, I know advice and articles don't always help with our hurting hearts, but hopefully they can inspire some new ideas about dating and encourage you that it's always a process and journey for all. As a single person myself, I give you a virtual hug for the shared experience of loneliness.

If you want to keep chatting about this, I am more than happy to talk more!

[Max3_3]

Thank you so much for listening to me. Sadly my online friends live a LOT far away from me, and I can't meet them I also can't do much since there's barely events in my town, it's mostly all old people here
I can look up that website you told me since i never heard of it tho! And I did try online dating, it didn't really end well..
Ive told my friends that as much as I want to be in a relationship, I will stop myself from doing that since I always hurt everyone anyways, but they told me that I can't shut my heart away from everyone,, so while I do want a relationship really bad, I also feel like I'm not good for that. It's all really complicated, I apologize

Abt the school thing, I really don't feel safe there ..most of my classmates are homophobic (heard them say they would beat up gay people too) so, I try to stay away from them as much as possible, but it's a constant anxiety being in that class, even if I have two classmates I talk to.

I apologize for my English or if some things don't make sense. I'll look at the articles you linked me!

[Tara]

Oh, Max3_3, I am more than happy to listen and respond to you! My heart breaks that you are dealing with so much right now!

Here is the link to Meetup if you are interested: https://www.meetup.com/. It IS an international platform that you can search for activities in your area.

I hate that you feel you hurt everyone you have been in a relationship with. Do you want to talk about that more? Just curious if that may be a negative perception of yourself that is not fully accurate or true in reality. You sound like a lovely person to me and not like someone who hurts everyone. There are many, many people in the world - some of those that mesh well with our personalities and some of those who don't, and while we do hurt each other from time to time, I agree with your friends that it doesn't mean you are "not good for a relationship."

As for your school situation, that just plain sucks. It's troubling you have school mates like that. I am glad you have a couple of friends, though. Do you feel you have a support system enough to where you can report any negative behavior or that you can safely talk to about this? I think it's important that you have some folks, even the school counselor, to talk about these things.

Happy to continue the conversation, if it helps, either to dispel loneliness or to talk through any other thoughts and feelings you have about relationships.

[Max3_3]

Looked a bit on the website but there's not much there around me. I kinda expected it since I know there aren't lots of things around here. Anyways, thank you for the help tho, I appreciate it

I do think I'm not good for relationships,, I feel really unlovable, and I did some really shitty mistakes in my previous relationship, I'm still not sure how to forgive myself. My friends says it's not that bad so maybe it's just me, but my last relationship ended because of my anxiety disorder, so..I think I just got the message that I'm not good enough.

And yeah, school just sucks and I don't really trust the teachers there to be honest.

I apologize if I don't make much sense, again..I'm crying while writing this

[Sofi]

Hi Max3_3, hope it's okay if I jump in.

You make total sense to me, as someone who also struggled with mental health and the belief that I'm not good enough for most of my life. It still comes up sometimes when I get really anxious, but I've been able to work on it to a point that I don't actually believe that anymore. It's unfortunately a very common belief, but also one you can work towards undoing.

I don't think I know anyone who has never made mistakes or done shitty things in relationships in the past. We're humans, we're not perfect, and we make mistakes - plus, relationships can be hard, as we try to integrate someone else into our life and that isn't easy to do, especially when you're first starting to date. Most people's first few relationships are full of mistakes because, let's be honest, none of us know what the heck we're doing at such a young age. I don't want you to beat yourself up for that, or think that makes you unworthy of a relationship.

You mentioned your last relationship ended because of your anxiety disorder. Wether this was your choice or theirs, I want you to know that isn't a reflection of you as a person. Sometimes we're incompatible with people, and yes, unfortunately sometimes our mental health affects relationships and pushes people away. That doesn't mean we should give up or we're not deserving of a happy and healthy relationship, it just means that wasn't the right person and we have an opportunity to work on ourselves more - work on loving and caring for ourselves, seeing our own value, learning to be happy with ourselves so we don't depend on others for happiness, and figuring out what we want out of the next relationship when we feel ready for that.

Did you get a chance to read the resourced Tara sent? I think that's a good place to start, and you can ask us any questions that come up from reading them, or share any thoughts they bring up. <3

[Max3_3]

I did read them, I'm not sure they will help a lot. I really appreciate the help, tho! I apologize, I'm a really complicated person. Also yeah, I know everyone makes mistakes but the thought of hurting the people I love makes me really scared, and knowing that I ended up hurting the most important person in my life it's just a lot for me to deal with. She tried to even help after we broke up but I pushed her away. Which I don't regret tho (even if I miss her a lot), she doesn't need a negative person like me in her life.

And I just don't find the reason in loving myself. I don't find the reason anymore in lots of things to be honest (idk if this makes sense)

Anyways thank u for the help, I've been crying all day so I am quite tired, I apologize if I don't make much sense

[mikky]

Hey Max, I hope it is okay to respond as well. It sounds like you’ve been having a really hard time, and it’s okay that articles aren’t feeling so helpful right now.

A lot of us have fear about hurting the people we love. I would go a little further than “everyone makes mistakes,” and say that everyone hurts people and gets hurt by people. It sucks, but it can get a lot easier in life and relationships when we stop trying to avoid hurt. I don’t mean we should treat each other with no respect, but instead, to accept that we just don’t know what will happen.

About five years ago, I hurt a friend I really cared about, really badly. I had so much regret and shame that I decided to be safe, I would just stop being close with others to prevent something like that from happening again. I had a narrative like you seem to- that nobody needed someone hurtful and negative like me in their lives. I got so deep in that narrative, it was hard to recognize how far from the truth it was, and how much it was actually hurting me and the people who were trying so hard to connect with me and care for me.


It sounds to me like your view of yourself is really negative right now. You said you don’t find the reason in loving yourself- do you mean that you don’t find any reason that you are lovable, or don’t see any purpose in having care and love for yourself? Or both, maybe? Would you be interested in thinking about ways to improve your self-view? I promise, nothing terrible will happen if you love yourself.

[Max3_3]

I do the same thing, pushing everyone away so I can't hurt anyone. I don't know, I just don't feel like I can love myself. I don't deserve it and I don't want to, for some reason.

I don't know, I feel really confused and sad all the time, it's hard to even interact with my online friends

[HannahP]

Hi Max3_3. I'm so sorry you've been feeling so sad all the time! Some of what you've said makes me wonder if your sadness is bigger than wanting a relationship and feeling lonely (though I understand that those are really big!) What you've said about the way you see yourself and how your sadness is making it hard to even talk to your friends makes me think that you might be experiencing depression. Is that something you've ever been checked for? Would it be possible for you to see a doctor and tell them about how you've been feeling?

[Max3_3]

I don't know if it's depression or not, but I can't afford therapy. My mom got me a free therapist (because she worked in my school, I think?) but I don't like her and she acted really bad with my mom when I didn't wanna go one time, so I don't wanna go back to her. I've tried 4/5 different therapists at the hospital (because you don't pay here if they work at the hospital) in my town but nobody understands me, so I gave up

[Tara]

Hi, again , Max3_3:

I think I agree with Hannah that you may be experiencing depression, or potentially chronic depression. As someone who struggles with depression, I know that chronic negative feelings are very challenging to deal with and can disrupt our relationships and connection to others. I understand firsthand the pain that comes with feeling very deeply, longing for connection and special relationships, and even having negative thoughts about myself and what I can offer others.

Through therapy and self reflection, I have come a long way in my journey with depression to challenge negative feelings and thoughts and to explore what is meaningful to me, gives me purpose, and even brings joy. And, I will say, that I was not able to afford a therapist for quite some time and I practiced self-therapy by applying techniques I learned from books! Here are some things I discovered:

What Brings Me Meaning and Purpose

• Thinking about and researching topics on healing trauma, becoming a whole person, and developing a relationship with myself

• Applying therapy techniques that I learn, like meditating, self-reflection, journaling

• Exploring shadow work and the triggers that make me start to think and feel sad or lonely

• Sharing my experiences with friends I do have to get things off my chest

What Brings Me Joy

• Hanging out with my cat, Luna

• Coloring plants

• Reading lots of fiction books (When I read about people who are going through the same things I am, it is comforting)

• Journaling about my feelings

• Crafting

• Making little decorations for my apartment

All of these things are pretty accessible and cheap for me. Maybe you can generate your own list of things that bring you meaning, purpose or joy?

I am happy to talk through it with you more! Also happy to recommend books I have enjoyed.

[Max3_3]

Thank you for the help I do have moments where I feel "happy" or at least I'm not on the verge of crying I guess ?? One thing that I do when Im in a lot of pain is drawing, since it helps me a lot to not think. I did try many other things, since I've been feeling like this for years, since I was 14/15 at least. Drawing is really the only thing helps me and thinking about my favourite characters (as stupid as that sounds) helps too, they are the only thing that brings me a bit of happiness other than my friends. They called me today and kept me company for a bit, they make sure i at least eat during the day (they ask me abt it) or ask me always to sleep a bit early.

I am grateful I have people like them in my life, but sometimes it's not enough (I hate saying this, I feel bad that even if they help me I feel like it's not enough, maybe I'm being selfish I don't know). I am truly at my end and I don't know what to do to help myself, it's been like this for years and I've truly tried everything. Nothing works anymore

[Tara]

Drawing is a wonderful hobby - it is creative, draws from your soul, and is a wonderful way to express yourself. Sometimes, when I am doodling or coloring, I also like to make up stories about what I am putting on paper. Honestly, the more creative I allow myself to be where I can slip in and out of my imagination, I feel the more I heal. You seem very creative and soulful, so I encourage you to continue drawing and reading.

I like to think about my favorite characters too! Sometimes they are so inspiring that I feel like there are qualities I want to adopt into my own life. Thinking about how I can be more like my characters in my own life is very motivating and makes me happy.

It's okay that having people in your life is not enough because - guess what? - other people can never truly 100% fulfill us. That's our job to do. And we do it through doing the things we love and being our own best friends. That might sound weird, but I bet if you try to become your own best friend, you will find that you can love yourself and give yourself the emotional support you need.

Also, my team found some online resources that might be helpful to you:

Self-Help: Students Against Depression
https://www.studentsagainstdepression.org/self-help/

Depression Self-Help Resources
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resour ... depression

[Max3_3]

Thank u, I'll look at the articles I have tried to love myself for years but nothing works, to be honest. I don't know if I'm feeling empty (?) or something, I just feel like this big pain in my heart that won't go away.

Nothing works, so I guess I'll get used to it. I apologize for being this pessimistic but I just know that nothing works

[Latha]

Hi Max,

You don’t need to apologise to us. Your position may be pessimistic, but it is also one that I understand. It must be exhausting and discouraging to hope again and again when your efforts don’t seem to pay off. Getting used to the idea that nothing works can be a relief in comparison.

If loving yourself seems impossible right now, that is fine. You don’t have to focus on that. Instead, consider trying the other depression self-help strategies when you can, connecting with your friends, and focusing on the activities that at least lift some of the sadness you’ve been feeling. For the latter, it might help to think about the advice in this article about the skill of enjoyment: How to like everything more

Other than that, I have a suggestion that you don’t have to take: see if you can hold the possibility that you have loveable qualities in your mind from time to time. You don’t have to believe it, nor do you have to do it for very long. Just consider the idea for a minute once a week, when you feel like it, or when you are you are told by someone that it is the case. This is just a theoretical exercise that you can skip if it is too much. But an important part of thinking well is learning to consider different possibilities, even when you dismiss the ones that are unlikely or impossible.

[Max3_3]

Thank u for the help I'll try to not think too much and focus on taking it easy these days, especially since I had a mental breakdown because of my family this morning. Now I'm feeling a bit better,, I don't know, my mood shifts a lot..some moments I'm really really sad and some moments it's okay I guess ? Not happy but not too sad, I don't know how to explain it

[KierC]

Hey Max I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here.

I’m glad that you’re feeling a bit better, but I’m so sorry to hear you went through it with your family this morning. If you ever want to talk about that, either now or another time, we’re here for you. <3

I’m sorry that you’re going through so much right now and that things are feeling so lonely as well. I hope you know you’re not alone here. I know others said similar, but I also go through periods of time like this and find my mood shifting a bit, and really resonated with what you said. I appreciate what you said about feeling like there’s a big pain in your heart. That must feel really heavy, and I am so sorry you’re experiencing that. I hope we can find a way to make things feel a bit lighter for you.

Agreeing with what others said, taking it as easy as you can when you feel this way is a really kind thing to do for yourself. You deserve rest and care. Speaking of, it sounds like drawing is something you like to do that relaxes you. Do you have time to do some drawing today? Maybe that could help, too. <3

[Max3_3]

I had the time to draw a bit! It does help me, so I was distracted for a few hours today and I also got a new plushie so it wasn't too bad. I'm still upset at my family a little for what happened in the morning but I'll let it go eventually as usual.

Right now I feel a bit better I guess? Like, not happy but I'm "okay" for now.
It shifts randomly and often when I think too much, I think. I really have no other way of feeling better tho, other than waiting for it to pass. Tried everything but even when I have crisis or anything like that, not even drawing helps.

I also started to not eat much at all, I barely eat during the day,,

[Latha]

Hi Max,

I’m glad you had time to draw, and that it at least provided a distraction, though I’m sorry that you didn’t feel much better otherwise — when nothing seems to work, waiting for bad feelings to pass is a tried and true method.

There is something about you saying that you are upset that stands out to me… if you had a crisis, it must have been about something that matters to you, but it seems like you are used to letting such things go. Do you feel you need to do that in order to keep the peace and get along with your family?

Something I hope you’ll remember is that our environment does more to shape our minds than we often think it does. When I read your posts, it seems like you blame yourself for your struggles, but I think a lot of people would start to lose hope and think poorly about themselves if they were in your position. To put it plainly, your circumstances suck right now. You are deeply lonely, and surrounded by homophobic people. You don’t feel good with your family, and it seems like you have no expectation that they will listen to you if you told them about what you need. You don’t have real access to mental health support, and you don’t see a way out. It looks like this has been all you’ve ever known. Being in a different environment might not solve all of your problems, but I bet it would make things a lot easier. Have you ever thought about living somewhere else?

[Max3_3]

I certainly can't afford living somewhere else, I turned 18 in December and I don't even work yet, I need to finish highschool so I can't do much about that. Besides, I do argue with them a lot sometimes but it's okay I guess, I do love them. Sometimes they just don't understand me and I don't really blame them I guess? I also push them away a lot so I get why they're mad sometimes. But yeah it is tiring living with these people.. especially when my dad and mom argue a lot and yell (something that I hate) or when they need to make comments (especially my dad) about how I don't hang out with everyone or that I'm "depressed".

[mikky]

Hey Max,
Would it be helpful to plan for after you finish school?
I'm sorry that your parents are making those types of comments. It makes me so upset when parents do that instead of talking to their kids about what might be going on!
Have you been able to share how you feel with your parents? Would it feel safe to do that?

[Max3_3]

I don't know, I don't really feel confident enough to move out right after finishing school. I know it sounds pathetic but Im really useless, I don't even have a job yet.

My parents don't really understand how much I need therapy (besides my mom, who actually tried to help) and they don't really understand why I'm like this. I think they're one of those people who say that since you have everything you should be happy, and it does make me feel guilty when my dad say that, so I just shut up. I gave up trying to make them understand and I just push them away when they try to talk to me about this

[KierC]

Agh, I am so sorry you’re going through this and feeling this way. It’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable moving out right now, I can appreciate that it might be overwhelming to even think of when you’re feeling low. Is it something that you’d like to plan for when you can, maybe by looking for work nearer to when you finish school? Or is there something else you think might help you more right now?

It sounds like your parents have been unsupportive of you accessing therapy (particularly with not understanding the real need for it when you’re in a time of such distress), though I hear you that your mom has tried to help a bit. Do you think she might be open to helping you find a different therapist?

Also, I was reading through this thread, and I hear you that you felt like none of the therapists you tried understood you. Is there something you feel they were missing or not understanding about you that you want to talk about?

<3

[Max3_3]

I don't think there's something that can help. My mom did search but we can't afford a therapist, and the free ones I went to don't really understand in my opinion. Like, I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder already and I've been in therapy for that mostly but it never got better and it's been years, so..

It's fine, I'll be fine eventually I guess