feeling guilty..

[Kela]

Hi Scarleteen!!
first of all, love the new boards!! i think theyre great
in the process of getting used to them, i made a new account thinking i had to make a completely new one, and that i couldnt transfer my old one from the old boards. my previous name was MaddleyLove, but i completely missed the post about transferring old usernames, so i apologise!!

secondly, im under the impression im only allowed to post in this forum until im approved?? sorry if thats wrong, but as soon as you are able this can be moved to the relationship forum )
okay, so..
ive continued to be single since my ex broke up with me back in april. apart from this thing i had with another guy who i mentioned in a previous post, ive been concentrating on being single and i think im finally getting used to it
ive been going out more with my friends, and theres a group of four of us who go to the cinema once a week and have a great time. its me, my friend, her boyfriend and this other guy. now, this is the problem..hes really nice, and he likes me. but im not sure if i like him back. hes lovely, a genuinely nice guy, and i just know he'll treat me better than my ex. my friend keeps hinting that we should get together. i know he'd be very good to me if we did get into a relationship, but ive been thinking recently about why i dont like him as much as he likes me. sometimes i think i like him, and sometimes i dont know.
it sounds awful, but the more i think about it, the more i come to the conclusion i dont fancy him because hes not really good looking :/ now, i dont think of myself as a person who only focuses on looks and not personality, im not all that myself, so i feel really quite guilty for thinking it about this guy :/ i guess in my head, since ive become single ive gone out quite alot, going to clubs and stuff, and, when i do go out,i do get attention from attractive guys. ill admit it, i do quite enjoy getting attention from these guys, ive lost weight over the past year and a half or so, and finally feel happy with the way i look. i guess i feel like im waiting for someone more attractive to ask me out :/ do i sound terrible for thinking like that??
im struggling abit with this, i cant talk to my friend because shes close to this guy and gets very protective :/
i feel like a shallow person :/

[Mo]

Honestly, your reasons for not being really interested in dating this guy are less important than the fact that you seem to pretty clearly not want to date him. That's really the most important thing here, I think. Even if someone were to decide that your reasons are wrong or shallow (and I'm not making that judgment here), it wouldn't change your feelings, and dating someone out of guilt, or in an attempt to override those sorts of feelings, is most likely a setup for disaster.

No one is ever obligated to date someone or return their interest. It doesn't matter why you have that feeling, but it's nothing to feel guilty about. It's ok to say to your friend "yes, he is friendly and I can see he's interested in me, but I'm just not in the mood to date right now" or "he's great but I don't feel the sort of chemistry I'm looking for." You don't owe him - or her - any detailed explanation of why you don't want to date him.

[Kela]

yeah, i guess youre right. to be honest, im a bit worried about citing any reason to my friend, she is quite pushy and like i said, shes very protective over this guy. i tried to tell her last night that i need time to think about this, and she was like i think you two should go out more, just go for it, take a chance i was like no, i cant just make a choice right now! things will be awkward when we all go out now ( my friend and him had a talk the other night, he would like something to happen i think, but weve been here before, i found out he liked me back along, may time, but i couldnt deal with it so i deleted him off my social networks, my friend found out and had a right go at me, i was having a terrible day and she knew it, but still just had a go at me for making the choice to delete him!! we fell out quite badly over that :/

she doesnt have many girls that are friends, i think she'd like us to be a little group of four, two couples, so we can stay close and she wont feel like shes surrounded by guys. i feel sorry for her, but im just not going to go out with someone im not sure about!! its not fair on anyone.

im a firm believer in the saying 'when its real, youll know. you wont be confused about it.'

[Mo]

It's really not ok for her to try to push you into a relationship with anyone, and if she keeps this up it's totally fine to call her on it and ask her to stop. It sounds like she's had a history of trying WAY too hard to dictate who you're friends with, and it may be time to really clearly talk to her about that issue.

[Kela]

I will definitely call her out on it next time, im not a doormat anymore like I used to be.
I actually managed to talk to my mum about this today, and to my surprise she didn't judge me either about my reasons for not going out with him

[Sam W]

Hi Kela,

Mo won't be back until later, but I'll leave a note that you've given us an update. Also, I want to give you giant kudos for taking the step of talking to your mom, and I'm glad that she reacted in a positive way to what you had to say

[Kela]

thanks

i dont talk to my mum about much stuff in my personal life as shes very conservative and would disagree worh many of my choices. it felt good to talk to her about how im feeling around this though!!

do you think it is still okay to hang around with my friend and this guy? theyve invited me out twice this week already, but ive said no both times and come up with an excuse :/ i dont want things to be awkward :/

[Keda]

Whether or not you want to keep hanging out with them, I'd say, really depends on whether or not hanging out with them is still fun. If it is? Great, do it! If not? Maybe hang back a bit.

I also think the best way to avoid awkwardness is to talk to them, separately - to tell your friend to stop trying to set you up; and to tell the guy, since it sounds like he has a crush on you, exactly what you've said here - that you're not interested in dating him, but you really like him and enjoy spending time with him, and would like to do more of that. He might be disappointed that you don't want to date him, but he'll get warm fuzzies from being told that he's awesome and fun!

Might it also help to make some dates to do things with just one person from the group? If being with both the guy and the girl at the moment turns into intense "date! date!" sort of peer pressure, you could maybe take the pressure off with some individual time.

[Kela]

its difficult to meet up with just my friend, every time we do meet up it seems to be with her boyfriend too, which doesnt help because hes all over her all the time, so its just me and this other guy feeling awkward.
to be honest im not even sure i should have made up with her after the first time we argued, she always does this, every time we become friends again she just goes back to her old ways. i guess i go back to her because im lonely :/

[Mo]

You could certainly ask if she wants to hang out one-on-one sometimes, if hanging out with her boyfriend and this guy isn't as fun. But for sure, it sounds like there's some ongoing conflict between the two of you, so if you want to just do a slow fade and not see her as much, that's fine too!
Maybe you could spend some time reconnecting with other friends, or making some new connections?

[Kela]

i would like to make some new friends, but im not quite sure what i fancy doing!! the gym is a possible

im still confused about my feelings. this guy is nice, trustworthy, (taller than me! ) really hes everything i want in a boyfriend. so why do i not feel like i want to date him??

also, i spoke to my dad about this, and he made me feel guilty for not feeling attracted to this guy physically (

[zeitvogel]

Ok, you said you feel guilty because you're afraid you're focusing on looks and not personality.
But honestly, nothing you've said indicates that you're attracted to his personality. You list some traits of his that show there's nothing wrong with him, but I don't hear anything about a spark or how much you like to talk to him or how he keeps you laughing or how comfortable you feel around him.

So maybe this situation doesn't actually say anything about what you focus on?

In my experience, when you're really attracted to someone as a person, they also magically become more physically attractive. Messy eyebrows become adorably dorky eyebrows. A large nose becomes an impressive nose. A wide mouth becomes a kissable mouth, and so forth. It may not work that way for you, but who knows? I don't think you're going to find out with this guy.

And really, you get to say no. You get to choose who you want to share yourself with, you get to be as picky as you want and you don't have to give anyone "reasons" as if you owe them your time and attention and trust and need a reason not to give it. If you're not attracted, you're not attracted, and there's nothing wrong with waiting for a relationship that has the potential to be physically and emotionally satisfying.

[Kela]

yeah i think youre right its just, because of everything that was wrong with my last realtionship, next time i want everything to be right, y'know? and that includes not going out with someone because i feel pressured into it or i feel sorry for him.
on the other hand, i dont know when someone else is going to come along

[mcguiree1495]

This isn't an answer/opinion to the topic, but how do I post a new Topic??? I'm so confused with these new boards!

[zeitvogel]

Yeah... the uncertainty of being single and looking is hard. I'm not the best person to give advice on this All I can say is that, of the people who came along for me, I met two in hobby-related gatherings, and two in parties that were outside my usual circles. In all cases I wasn't expecting it.

You said you go out a lot to clubs which sounds like a good way to meet people. And if getting attention from attractive guys lifts your spirits and makes you feel good, then by all means enjoy it Who knows, maybe you'll meet one you click with.

(to mcguiree1495. I see you found the right button already )

[Kela]

just an update..

i thought about it and decided a relationship is not what i want right now, so i told him last night, and admitted i probably led him on a bit :/ but i was honest, admitted i made a mistake, and said im not saying itll never happen, just not right now.

[Emma]

Sounds like a mature, thoughtful decision. Also, to mcguiree1495: Go into the board that you want to post your new Topic in and click on the "New Topic" button that's to the left of the search bar!