Confused

[feministkilljoy]

I guess I just don't know how to make sense of what happened and I don't know if what I'm feeling is valid. Or if I'm exaggerating or making a big deal out of something that a lot of people experience.

I went on three dates with a guy I met at school (college), we had a good time. On the second date he invited me back to his apartment. We watched TV and talked and made out, all things I enjoyed.

Then he asked if I wanted to have sex. I said no, and he got annoyed. I told him not to make me feel guilty about saying no. He said he was ready to have sex and although he acquiesced, he made it seem like I owed him that. Which objectively I know is not right, but I enjoyed spending time with someone I really had fun with so I agreed to see him again.

We went out on a third date and I invited him to watch a movie at my apartment. I'm in college, so my furniture IS my bed. I told him we'd just be watching the movie and he sighed in annoyance.

After the movie he started getting really close and touching me all over. I stopped him and told him I was a virgin and I was nervous and wasn't sure I was ready.

We sat in silence for a long time and I went to get a drink for both of us. When I got back he started kissing me and, eventually we ended up on my bed. I didn't really process what was happening and he took my pants and shirt off.
I was still considering how far I wanted to go with the whole thing when he started fingering me and, eventually preformed oral sex.

I didn't know what to say or how to react. I just kind of layed there.

He got upset because he couldn't get hard, which in my mind I thought was my fault. Even though I wasn't really processing what was happening.
We talked for a while longer and, eventually he accused me of lying about being a virgin and proceeded to tell me that I was a terrible kisser.

I was so confused and hurt that I kicked him out of my apartment. He texted me later and said he didn't want to see me anymore.

I guess I am just so confused about the way I acted in that situation. It's been almost a year since it all happened and I still think back to that night and feel anxious.
I am petrified of seeing him at school, even though it's very unlikely.

I don't know how I can even talk about what happened with other people. What do I say happened? I can't understand it myself.

[Emma]

Welcome to the boards, feministkilljoy (love the username)!

From whet you're describing, you were assaulted/raped by this man. As this excellent article on dealing with rape says, "Rape is when one person wants and pursues a sexual act on, to or inside another person who does not want to participate, and who does not fully and freely consent to take part in that act." I am so sorry that this happened to you and I understand how hard it is to come to terms with exactly what happened, much less discuss it with other people.

Here are some great articles on our site on dealing with surviving sexual assault (don't read these if you're triggered by stories of assault or self-harm):
From Victim To Survivor
Is it my fault?

Ideally, you should tell someone you trust (doesn't have to be a parent, telling anyone you feel really comfortable with can help you process your feelings and thoughts more effectively). You can tell them you've been raped/assaulted or explain to them exactly what happened--you might want to just print out this post you made and show it to them, that takes away the pain of having to replay the event again in your mind. You should look for a therapist to talk to, if at all possible--a school counselor would be great, too.

You are welcome to use our direct services and talk to us about anything you might be wondering/feeling. Thank you for trusting us, and again, I am so sorry you had to go through this.

[feministkilljoy]

I appreciate the response and resources.
I've been considering going to my school's sexual assault counseling center to talk.
I guess I just didn't know if I should.

I guess something I've had a hard time coming to terms with is my strong feminist identity and this event.
I feel guilty that I can wax poetic about rape culture,
But I couldn't recognize my own situation and prevent it.

Now I plan on going in to our counseling center. I appreciate you taking the time to help.

[Sam W]

Hi feministkillyjoy,

I think the counseling center is a sound plan, and I hope you find folks there who can help and support you. We've also got an article on self-care on the site here, and while it's not a substitute for the professionals, it might help to have some ways to care for and comfort yourself when you need it:
Self-Care a La Carte

I want to let you know that you're not alone in feeling like what happened conflicts with your identity as a feminist who understands rape culture. If you can, try not to be too hard on yourself about it. We can understand a thing very well in theory but it can still be blindsided by it in the moment. And, sadly, understanding how things work is never fully a guarantee against people who want to hurt us or otherwise push past our boundaries.

[Emma]

Also, please don't feel guilty--it wasn't your job to "prevent" rape, you are not responsible for the crime committed against you, the rapist is totally responsible for this.

[feministkilljoy]

I do know that. It's so different when it happens to you I guess.

But I truly appreciate the resources and responses. It's done a lot to help me. I really can't thank you enough.

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome, and please don't hesitate to check back in with us if there's something else we can do to help you out