Penetration

[bluespreadsheet]

I know penetration isn't for everyone and that's fine, but I at least want to try to figure it out...

I have a very stressful memory of being 12 years old and having no pads, so I tried to use a tampon instead but wasn't able to insert it even barely a little bit and ended up crying in a public bathroom (the rest of the day was fine so the sadness didn't last long but it stressed me out a lot). I just felt like it was far too big to insert and I kind of tried again but to similar results.

Trying to explore my vagina has been very difficult? Like sometimes I would try to put my fingers in during a shower for example, and I wasn't even ever sure I was in the right place and it never felt comfortable at all. I still can't understand the idea of people being able to use tampons. Is it possible my vaginal entrance is just like... kind of small end, or is that just something everyone goes through and I just never "figured it out" or "experimented enough"?

I've kind of thought of buying like, a sex toy or something... because it seems cool and fun and I'm an adult with expendable income now... I know not all of them are penetrative but quiiiiiiiiiiiiite a lot lot lot of them are and I genuinely haven't a clue how easy or hard it would be to use something like that. Like is there some trick to just be able to access body hole that other people can easily and I'm just missing the obvious or. What

[Heather]

Hey there, bluespreadsheet.

So, there are many reasons why I really hate the term "penetration" in this context, and one of the big ones is that it really gives people the wrong idea about how any of this is supposed to work. Allow me to explain!

That term does a really good job of describing how something like sexual assault that involves the vagina can feel or go, or even how something like a bimanual exam at the OB/GYN done by someone doing a crummy job of it can feel or go. It's also not a bad description for how tampon use can feel sometimes. But what it doesn't describe well is what it feels like and how it should go when someone really, really wants to take something into their vagina. Because when that is wanted -- and when the person with the vagina is relaxed, aroused, and really feeling into it as a thing -- the vagina is pulling in and gripping around just as much as something, be it a toy, a finger or a penis, is pushing in. This is why "intercourse" or even "f*cking" are better words when it comes to describing what is actually happening with those things, because those words or others like them make more clear that it's something where the vagina is the active, muscular tube surrounded by other muscles that it really is.

The opening to the vagina doesn't really differ much between people when it comes to size save between people who have had a vaginal birth and who haven't, and even then, a lot of the time that difference is pretty minimal once it's been a while since giving birth. But it can *feel* smaller or tighter, and that's usually about not being relaxed or about feeling worried or nervous, or just not understanding how that anatomy works.

If you wanted to explore what it felt like to take something into your vagina, so long as you are very turned on when you do that, and using lube (also a thing you can do to make using tampons easier, btw), you could try starting with a fingertip, which I think is a good thing to start with, because that allows you to really feel how your vaginal opening can both yield/relax and pull in in a way that isn't always as easy to feel with a toy. Once you have a sense of what that feels like, if it feels good, it's just a matter of learning how to only press in more -- again, be it a finger or a toy, or you communicating with a partner with a penis or dildo, if and when that ever appeals -- when you or your partner feels your vagina yielding and pulling in some.

Can you follow all of that?

We also have a couple articles here that can give more context and information to all of this:
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

[bluespreadsheet]

makes sense! Thanks for the advice and bonus reading. I will continue rambling about the subject

I don't really think my body gets aroused that often, honestly. (Definition of "body aroused" to me being physical things like vaginal wetness, swolleness in areas, faster heart rate, feeling heat). I can probably count the times on two hands. I masturbate several times a week but that's with use of lube and then I orgasm to relax and I'm done. I get the difference with actually feeling "turned on" vs just, like, "getting off". I'm aroace so have no partner/don't expect to, and see my body as pretty private thing for me. I mean I guess my questions are "Is that normal" (probably the most common question you get, though about a variety of things lol), and uhhh I guess if I have to be actually aroused to use toys that go in the vagina (insertion toys? I dunno) it'd probably be much better to look in a totally different direction.

[Heather]

I'm glad that made sense for you. <3

I want to make sure that your notion that your body isn't actually responding to your arousal in your mind is actually right. For sure, all of those physical things are things that can happen when someone is aroused in the sexual response cycle, but a) sometimes none of those things happen until some folks are pretty darn close to orgasm, and 2) all of those things don't happen with every body all the time with arousal.

Because you have the desire to masturbate, and because it sounds like it feels good when you do, and because you orgasm, I think we can know that your body is, indeed, having arousal happen. Too, know that most folks need lube for most things involving their vaginas and vulvas to feel actually really good, lube isn't just something people need or use who aren't aroused enough. I also don't think we can make a clear line of differentiation between being turned on and getting off, including because those two things go hand in hand for most folks most of the time, at least to some degree.

I'm not sure what you're asking about per what is normal: can you try asking me a different way?

And per trying something like your finger with your vaginal opening, if that is something you actually want to do, it sounds to me like something you probably could comfortably do in your masturbation (again, with lube, and when you're at least turned on enough to want to masturbate in the first place).

[bluespreadsheet]

The main reason I message in these forms is I don't think I'm very informed in how bodies are supposed to work, so I definitely say a lot of stuff that is wrong. I'm trying to learn! Also excuse me tangenting all the time.

I think there's different intensities of arousal to me. I definitely would agree I am oftentimes "aroused", I was just under the misconception that if it's not a "high level" or whatever it doesn't really count, or that your vagina is SUPPOSED to be wet and I'm a weird exception for that happening like... never, and because I'm like that it'd be impossible for me to do a lot of sexual things other people are able to. Like... how to explain... "If your body doesn't naturally get wet or swollen then it will be painful to insert anything and you're just not getting horny the right way".

I'm reluctant to admit this but the idea came from a post directed to trans men who are new to taking testosterone, and one of the changes it listed is that it's possible you would likely stop being as wet when aroused and may need to start using lube. And I posted in the comments that I've never been on T, but that I personally have always needed lube, and a stranger responded to me that that's abnormal and to go to a doctor. Bah, never listen to random uncredited strangers! That was probably pretty obvious too... Though going to a doctor is usually pretty good advice anyways

Anyways thanks for the advice again. I will be less misinformed going forward.

[Heather]

I love a good tangent, no need for apologies! Plus, I think everything you have said here is all related, anyway.

There are different intensities of arousal for everyone, for sure, not just you, much like there are of hunger for food or thirst, for example. Because how aroused we feel at a given time has to do with so many different factors, the ever-changing conditions of our lives, minds and bodies mean arousal is going to feel differently all the time.

There is no amount (and even talking about amounts is iffy, because it's such a hard thing to quantify) of arousal that counts or doesn't count. And when it comes to things like vaginal lubrication, that is always going to differ a whole lot. For some people, that may never happen or won't happen much because of things like certain health conditions or meds they are using (including hormonal birth control, which creates drying of vaginal tissues), while for others, for most, it just is going to happen at varying degrees all the time, with some of that being about how aroused someone is, but other parts being about other factors entirely.

Like... how to explain.."If your body doesn't naturally get wet or swollen then it will be painful to insert anything and you're just not getting horny the right way".

So, that -- that someone isn't "horny the right way" -- isn't a thing. One, there is no right way, and two, like I said, most people, most of the time, will either need or want lube for sexual activities where friction is involved, period. It's pretty uncommon for someone to naturally lubricate enough for a sexual session that lasts more than 15 minutes or so, or even less, to stay feeling really good. This is part of why people have been using things for lube for likely as long as there have been people. That stranger that responded to you was clearly pretty ignorant about all of this, and I'm sorry that they gave you the wrong idea about all of this. And no, no one needs to go to the doctor because they aren't lubricating enough to not need lube: that isn't an indication of a health problem, it's an indication of being in a human body. You aren't a weird exception for needing lube, people just have really backwards ideas and hangups about lube. <3