something is off

[PomPom]

i wanted to ask your opinion on something that happened recently and that is connected to T, so i decided to put it down here.

so. me and T decided to try to get back like it was before and see where it goes. i thought that i’ll be the one who’ll get hurt in the end and turns out not. during this time T realized that she actually liked me. and she would want to date me. and as the time was going on and on i was realizing that i don’t want the same. T also changed, when we were discussing this she acted even better than me, she didn’t say any bad word to me, and she also made an appointment to the therapist. i however didn’t get rid of the habit of telling everyone everything. i started telling less and less. but it still fucks up everything. we ended things peacefully, at the same day as i saw other girl that i wanted to text. i asked about it in the group chat and told that it’s over with T. i told that it’s over, it’s good, no conflict. my friend was on a date with T’s best friend and he noticed the messages. now he’s angry at me and at my friend, his gf. T is also deeply hurt. i know i did wrong and shouldn’t talk about it again. i don’t want to make excuses for myself, i guess i just didn’t value this whole situation enough to not say anything. but why. and why do i seek this full attention so much that i do these things, and how to let it go? it’s not only about this situation, just in general.

[Sofi]

Hi PomPom. Glad to know things ended amicably and very glad T didn't say hurtful things to you this time around.

You know, there's two things here that coexist:
On one hand, it's generally not great to talk about private things our partner said or did in a group chat with several people, especially when done in the heat of the moment and in a petty way. Ideally, our partner wouldn't say or do things that are deeply hurtful for us to even have to vent to our friends about it, though. This is more so about things like personal details about them or about your relationship that don't need an entire group chat audience to know about.

On the other hand, it IS good to have one or two trusted friends (and maybe also a therapist) that we can come to and vent or get advice from about our relationship. If done respectfully, there's nothing wrong with talking about our partner or our relationship with our loved ones, and it's actually unhealthy when your partner makes you feel like you can't talk to anyone outside you two about them or the relationship. If the relationship is toxic, it's NOT good to have no one to talk to about it, either.

Now, that said, I'm reading what you said was sent in the group chat and it doesn't sound like you shared intimate or personal details, or even said anything hurtful or offensive about T. It sounds like you were just briefing your friends on what went down so they're aware. If that's the case, it's a bit unreasonable for T to be so upset about that. You are absolutely allowed to let your friends know you broke up, even in a group chat setting. This feels like a way T wants to control what you do and say about them, which is manipulative.

So, were you just seeking attention, or just telling your friends the news that you two are over? I don't want you to get manipulated into thinking you are a bad person for this.

[PomPom]

i guess both. at the moment i was more interested in talk about another girl that i wanted to text and i thought i needed to let my friends know that i’m not doing it behind T’s back. i didn’t say much in the group chat. i told them that it’s over, that T was very respectful and that we agreed to be friends in the future when her feelings will come down. i didn’t sent screenshots or anything. just facts, so we can close this topic. i guess for T this is weird and hurtful because she’s a very close person. she doesn’t talk much about her feelings and she have only one friend she can fully trust. i have more, and i’m used to discuss everything with everyone, especially with my friends. even tho i knew it’s not what T would want. but i thought that it 1) won’t leak to T. 2) won’t be a big deal because i didn’t get into details or send screenshots like i used to. i don’t think that T was trying to manipulate me. she just told me about her feelings about this, also not in an angry way.

[Sofi]

T being a more private person who isn't as open with her friends is fine, there's nothing wrong with that, but you're the opposite and like I said, if you aren't trash talking someone and sending private screenshots but rather you're just letting your friends know you broke up, there's really nothing wrong with that. It's okay if she feels a bit uncomfortable knowing you talked about her in the group chat and she's entitled to her feelings around that. The reason I said this is manipulative is you mentioned the friend being angry at you and T being deeply upset, which is causing you to think you did something awful. I understand maybe that wasn't their intention, but you did nothing wrong for them to be mad at you. You just told your friends you broke up. It's not really fair to be directly mad at you about that. Does that make sense?

[PomPom]

Yes. and she wasn’t mad, just really upset, but still respectful. surprisingly she changed more or less. and you know what’s weird? i don’t know why am i upset about this. even though i was the one who didn’t want relationship and was kinda eyeing other people. but it still kinda sad, empty maybe. we talked today, just like usual, we had a call before going to bed. and i discussed this topic, about us breaking up, and all this stuff. her words touched me, it’s of course very flattering to hear something like this but it’s too sad. i wanted to cry, and i’m crying as i’m typing this. i didn’t want to be the one who didn’t want relationship and i don’t know why i dragged this on for so long. like, i couldn’t end things, didn’t have the courage to, even though i knew that u need to. we talked about it, and just about other things and i, at the same time know that i wouldn’t want relationships but it’s so sad, like i want it but don’t want it. and we talked about different things and it was also so nice to laugh about it. it’s just sad and i don’t know why i feel that way. almost want to ask her to have relationship after all.

[Sofi]

I highly suggest not reopening that door. Even you two talking seems to only be creating more harm than good. It's normal to feel sad after a breakup even if we're the ones who initiated it, because you did really like her and you wanted it to work. But that sadness does not mean you should get back together, and in this case, you really shouldn't. T wasn't very nice to you the first time around, and then this time you just didn't want to be in the relationship which is valid. It's clear you're not right for each other in a romantic way, and I really even think you need to be careful with this friendship since it's making you constantly upset, and I can imagine it's making T upset as well.

[PomPom]

i mean, was that fight that bad? she didn’t acted like this again even though she had a lot of opportunities to do so. and i WANTED to be in a relationship with T but i didn’t love her. this seems like such a weird concept, of wanting something but having this feeling deep inside your chest of knowing that you don’t love her and you’re not gonna treat her right.

[Latha]

Hi PomPom,

If you're having feelings that seem contradictory, it might be helpful to dig into what is motivating them. You don't need to love someone to date them, but you do need to be interested in them and be interested in building a positive relationship with them. From what I remember of the beginning of this thread, you thought your relationship with T was moving too fast, and that you two were not compatible.

I wonder, what seems good about a relationship with T, given how you feel about her? What does it mean to treat her right?

[PomPom]

well, i had these feelings before the conflict, after that everything seemed pretty good for me and i felt comfortable. before i started realizing that she wants something serious while i didn’t want to. and it’s fair we were basically dating and i loved that but i also was “admiring other people” like i would at one person and have these thoughts like “they’re sexy” i didn’t text, didn’t talk to them, just thought to myself or made a joke about it to my friends. they’re told me it’s not fair to T, maybe it is. i also had some thoughts like “when this will be over(because we would break up someday for sure, we both know that) i would date someone who’s not like T (maybe more open about sex and kink for example) but i also loved to spend time with her, genuinely. but when i would be alone i had these thoughts, and that i maybe dont even like her appearance (but this is 99% words of people around me) or other things. i guess i liked her but didn’t **like her**, i mean i wasn’t falling in love with her, but i had respect for her, and i liked to talk to her. by treating her right i mean, i guess i would take it for granted. all the things she was doing for me and would do more (like going from one side of the city to the other just to see me for an hour) when i had a crush on some girl i remember how she was inspiring me to be a better person to do more art, to make her a valentine and actually put effort and time in it. i didn’t had these feelings with T. but i loved some quiet evenings, our talks, holding her hand while we’re hanging out. i miss it. i feel a little emptiness in my chest, like something is lost. and it’s weird considering all that. but i was in fact interested in building a good relationship with her and was interested in her more or less.

[Becky]

Hi PomPom,

It's perfectly normal to find other people attractive, even when we're in a relationship. Now, mentioning this to your friends or to T herself is a question of your relationship with everyone and the boundaries you've established.

Because our society is pretty obsessed with monogamous relationships, it's pretty common for people to get jealous or upset when their partner mentions that other people besides them are attractive. Even if the partner has no intention of engaging in any sort of romantic or physical relationship with the person they think is attractive. So from this perspective, I can understand why your friends don't think it is fair to T to mention when you think someone else is sexy to them and why it might hurt T's feelings. If you are going to continue a romantic relationship with T, this is definitely something to talk about and set boundaries around.

I also don't think there's anything inherently wrong with imagining what thins will look like in the future if you and T are no longer together. Truth be told, you're both very young and haven't been dating that long and statistically, T is not your forever person. However, thinking like this might also be taking away from your ability to be present with your relationship with T right now and enjoying what you do have. Which sounds like you two do have a lot of things in common and enjoy spending time together. I also think it's perfectly normal at this early stage that you wouldn't be "in love" with someone or have super strong feelings for them. Sometimes, feelings grow with time and as you get to know someone. We're often taught that you'll have butterflies and fireworks and crazy attraction to the right person and "you'll just know" but this isn't true for everyone. It's not true for me, personally anyway. So, my advice to you would be if you're enjoying your time with T and you both want to keep spending time together then go for it and enjoy it for what it is. Maybe it will grow into something, maybe not. And either way, that's ok. Just make sure you're talking and communicating through the process about what you both want and are feeling. Telling T you just want to take things slow and see where it goes is perfectly acceptable.

Now, everything I just said is null and void if you're having doubts about the relationship with T because of conflicts, hurt feelings, or abuse. I read through your previous posts and it sounds like in the past, there has been some conflicts where T has said some really hurtful things to you. It's one thing to take your time and be unsure about your feelings because you're young and the relationship is new, it's another thing if you're feeling unsure because you don't trust or feel hurt by the person you are trying to have a relationship with.

Do you think some of your hesitation/thoughts of "in the future when we break up" are stemming from this past conflict? Have you and T talked through about your feelings about this?

I also wonder if this is where some of those desires for other relationships are coming from. You've expressed a few times now being interested in talking to other girls. Sometimes, when we feel our romantic relationship has too much conflict or can't be salvaged in some way, we sort of "move on" in a sense. Now again, it's totally normal to notice other attractive people, but I think your desires are worth paying attention to in this context.

Do you think your interest in other girls is just normal attraction or are you desiring to move on from your romantic relationship with T?

I'd like to offer a few articles for you to check out that might help you navigate some of these conflicted feelings you are having.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

Let me know how all of this is resonating with you.

[PomPom]

so. it’s been a few months and i guess this situation is still not over (kinda).

Our “break up” with T was actually going on (or you can say dragging on) for about a month or even more. we would meet each other to talk about our break up and then make out. we would talk again, agree that we’re friends, than have a hang out with our friend group, drink together and then make out again. we would be friends and then my parents are out of town and we’re making out again (sober).

during that time i noticed that with every try it gets less and less exiting and this desire stopped gradually.
(side note: we also had intimacy during this period of time, but it ended with the same thing: i wasn’t turned on enough and i also got too nervous that i wont cum and i didn’t. i also had physical discomfort and pain. ( turns out it was because i have Vulvodynia) T responded differently, we talked about this situation and she was supportive. it actually lifted a weight of my chest and kinda gave me more trust in her.)

but eventually we had a talk where i told her that we can be only friends period. i also had thoughts about going no contact but decided against it. and we were being friends just fine. i really didn’t want anything for like a month or maybe less. she still had some feelings, but i was already out of it by November. but now i kida want to have something again…

it’s like. i think that she would be a great partner for me, that she actually changed. she also started getting new hobbies and work and i like to hear her talking about it. (it was upsetting me that she wasn’t doing anything besides studying while we were together). i also started viewing her as attractive girl. and i also feel this tension between us. it’s barely there but i know she feels it too. i started getting excited when she touches my hand again. but i have this feeling ONLY when i hanging out with her. i still don’t cross the line but damn. i want her to place her hand on my thigh when we’re hanging out with our friends. to make me feel like i’m hers. i want to belong to someone. ( not in a “ i need someone to love me so i could love myself way” but in a way “i feel this kinky urge to be dominated and handled by someone” way)

but i know it’s because i want relationship with someone. to make out with someone. and she’s just a good candidate for it, and it’s sad and i question myself a lot. was i even falling in love with her at the beginning or it was the same thing?

but what should i do with these feelings now? i can’t even move on because i don’t like other people and when i try to talk to new girls/boys i always think like “why should i waste my time on then when i can have a deep and entertaining conversation with T. and i want to have a conversation with T.”

[Sofi]

Hi PomPom. The truth is, there's rarely a clear cut answer in situations like these, and I'd say aside from extreme cases, there isn't really a right or wrong choice. Trying to figure out if being with someone is the "correct" decision or not creates more stress and anxiety than anything else. We can't predict someone's future behaviors, we can only go off their past ones and decide whether we trust them enough based on those to give it another shot or not. So, we can't tell you what to do with these feelings, and we can't really advise you too much more than we already have on T. It's up to you what to do with these feelings and this relationship, and as long as you are not being hurt or hurting T and things feel healthy, it's okay to have a conversation as you said. My advice? Take your time to build a good, solid friendship where you trust each other first, and then see how you feel about a romantic relationship.

[PomPom]

i’m sorry i’m writing here again. i took your advice on building a solid friendship with T. i also decided to try something new with someone, thinking that it might be fun and maybe easier for the two of us to let this situation go. i started talking to girl, we hang out and then also went on a date and we’ve kissed. it was fine, it was fun, even the kiss, but my thoughts kept going back to T, i felt like i’m doing something wrong, like i’m cheating, even though we agreed to be friends. T also knew that i’m talking to this girl, and she also decided to talk to someone new. after their “date” she called me tipsy, crying and saying that she can’t be friends with me, that she can’t date other people and that i’m breaking her heart. she’s sad that she has put so much effort into this and in the end it didn’t work out. we talked for about two hours about it, but the end i was sobbing and couldn’t calm down. we decided to go no contact. it’s been few days and i can’t take this anymore. i miss her, i miss talking to her. i don’t want her to go out with others girls, i wish to take all this back. i also know that i’ve done a lot of bad things, that i didn’t loved her as much as she loved me. that i’ve kept her hanging in this friendship and i didn’t managed to end it myself. that i went on a date, enjoyed it but i still wanna go back. i love our talks, i miss our hangouts. i love her this way very much. i don’t know what to do. i didn’t want to date her because i had her in my life, but now , i don’t know. my teacher told me that if i have my doubts i should just wait and see where it goes. but this whole thing makes me physically restless and anxious. i either way have to go no contact with all my friend group ( i already decided to not go to our hang outs but we still have our chat) , delete all the chats, delete her and just hope to never see her again or text her and ask her to try something one last time. i don’t know what to do it’s killing me from the inside.

[Tara]

Hi, PomPom:

I am glad you were table to take some time between your last posts on T to now, where it sounds like you are in a period of missing/grieving the relationship, and wanting to take action to resolve that. I know it has been up and down with T, and sometimes it is not very easy to get through the hardest point of feeling nostalgia, regret, and sadness - however, I would encourage you to sit with the difficult feelings, if you can, and allow them to provide insight into this relationship. This could possibly be the reflective time you need to get clear on how to move forward (or not) with T. I am not telling you that you cannot make the decision to try one more time, but reading through your history and the amount of energy you have already put into the relationship, I would hate for your to short-cut the time you have spent without T and trying to move on. I DO know how hard it can be to cut off a relationship that meant so much or in which you have invested so much. Sometimes the feelings that come up seem insurmountable, but I promise that they are there for a reason and sometimes riding that wave will land you in a better, more clear place where you feel you can take the steps to move on from good.

Again, I am not telling you that you should or should not try again, but to try to be present with the feelings without having the impulse to act on them right away. Do you think that sounds feasible? Have you done something like make a pro/con list about the relationship where you can see right in front of you what is working for you and not?

[PomPom]

thank you for your advice, i’ll try to follow it even though recently i realized that i might never even been fully honest with myself when i was trying to reflect on the situations in my life. i can admit that i was in fact a problem, but it’s hard to admit some details even to myself. it’s also hard to understand what i truly want to, everyone says “just try and see where it goes” well i’m here and i hardly understood something, it’s my fault but still. i feel so much regret, sadness, humiliation, realization that she might feel better without me is humbling. this whole situation is very draining for her and generally for people who were involved. for me too, but i guess i’m used to being stuck in this situations in this feelings so i’m used to it. i wanna go back badly but i try to believe in people who say that it’s for the best.
is there any particular lists, exercises, life hacks you would recommend? or i don’t a reality check.

[Tara]

Aww, I really hate hearing you are having such a hard time. I have been in a similar situation of having to get over a long-term relationship with all the difficult emotions of sadness, regret, shame and guilt. I found balancing reflection with busying myself with activities and hobbies I had neglected while in the relationship was helpful - anything I could do to re-instill a sense of my autonomous self without being completely submerged in a relationship and tied to another person. Mentally, I found the idea of becoming a strong and indepdendent person and reclaim my personal space and values a helpful idea to get over my codependent feelings with this person.

Do you think you can find things, activities, hobbies that you love or once loved that you can recommit to? Also, I want to remind you that even though you have negative feelings from this relationship, I want to remind you that you can have a much better, more pleasant experience with someone else who makes you feel good. You would deserve that.