am i a lesbian, bi or pan??

[elysia]

hi!! okay so i havent really used a site for stuff like this but i scrolled through a few other posts n it seems rlly helpful here!!

i dont know if im a lesbian, bisexual or pan with a SUPER heavy preference to men??

i went by a lesbian when i was 12 and because i was madly in love with a girl but then i got kinda forced into a relationship with a guy so i went by bi. a good majority of my relationships have been with men but they've either felt forced onto me or i mistook my platonic attraction for romantic (something i know i struggle with regularly).

i know i love women and i get really excited going on dates with women. i can't really say i'm as excited when it comes to men? whenever i dated men or went on a date (only one date with a guy and it kinda sucked, but for reasons unrelated to him!!), it was just kinda "oh cool im talking to/dating a guy now, ok" to me. a good majority of the times ive dated guys, it didnt feel like a relationship (even if we called each other bf/gf n etc),, i always thought about girls or feeling a bit more attracted to other women than guys???

whenever i go by the lesbian label (like i am currently), i feel guilty for not liking guys or ill somehow come across a guy that i feel "attracted" to, or ill think about how my family might like him because he looks nice. i don't feel as excited on dates with guys, they feel more like hangouts. dates with girls feel more exciting most of the time?? they feel less friendly and a bit more romantic. but i also like more masculine people so i feel like i should like guys more? if that makes sense.

i saw a post about how a woman read the lesbian masterdoc but then learned people started picking it apart as a bisexual thing n i had a really similar issue. i can explain more about my feelings if needed but those are my main thoughts, please help??

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Elysia! We'd be happy to help you think through questions about your sexuality.

Reading your post, something that stands out to me is that you express your attraction to women in the clearest terms. You know you love women. You get excited going out with them. Dates with women feel romantic, and you've been madly in love with a girl in the past. Despite the framing of your first question, I'm not really noticing a super heavy preference for men in what you've said--it seems that you don't feel as excited, and relationships and dates feel platonic. Bisexual and pansexual people can and do face the pressures of compulsory heterosexuality, but when they want to date men, it is usually because they experience real feelings of attraction to them. I might expect them to feel the same way about men that you described feeling about women.

whenever i go by the lesbian label (like i am currently), i feel guilty for not liking guys

So, I'm curious about where this guilt is coming from. Do you feel that your family would not support you if you don't date men? And, I ask genuinely: given how you've felt, why would you want to date men?

[elysia]

So, I'm curious about where this guilt is coming from. Do you feel that your family would not support you if you don't date men? And, I ask genuinely: given how you've felt, why would you want to date men?

i dont worry that much about my family knowing im gay, its more my grandma believes im a certain sexuality n gender identity so its kind of difficult with her. she still brings up the guy i went on a date with 2 weeks ago, even though she knows we stopped talking and she wants him to attend a really big family event with us. i have a really long history of dating men like i mentioned so i guess im scared i cant be a lesbian because ive dated so many men compared to women?

for the second question, i don't really know i guess? sometimes it feels like it is meant to be the right thing for me to do, sometimes its a "would we be an attractive couple? would we look good together?" and the rest of the time i think i just see a lot of couples in media who are perfect for each other and straight. i've found myself thinking about how i might not be a lesbian because a guy might exist in that in real life n i just have to wait for him to be real so i could have the perfect boyfriend/husband like the women in those shows or movies

[mikky]

Hey elysia,
Would you also want to tell us more about what it meant and was like to have relationships with men forced on to you?

What would it feel like if rather than defining your sexuality as it relates to men, you defined it as it relates to women, who you seem to feel excited and happy about pursuing and loving?
Even if you were much older and had a long history of dating men, that STILL wouldn’t mean you “couldn’t be” a lesbian- I know many lesbians who for a whole slew of reasons (law, family pressure, benefits of marriage, homophobia, liking men just fine but discovering being with women felt better) dated men for a majority of their lives. And you are 18– I think with so much time ahead of you to explore and discover more about yourself, you shouldn’t let your early teens define what you “can” or “can’t” be.

Books and movies and all media can be so dang hard. Even media that does show LGBTQ people in relationships can set completely unrealistic and unreachable expectations, not just about “perfect” people, but also how we will just know or our lives will change when we find “the one.” What would a perfect husband/boyfriend look like to you? Do you think that person is a realistic person, or a piece of fiction?

[elysia]

Would you also want to tell us more about what it meant and was like to have relationships with men forced on to you?

whenever a relationship with a guy happened, i just felt like?? lucky to be picked or it was a "i have someone i can depend on and do couple stuff with". i can't really think of a guy i was happy happy to be with past being able to do couple things and getting to say i have a boyfriend *just* to say i have a boyfriend. there are a few guys i think i mightve liked but some people in my life helped me realize i mightve mistaked a strong platonic feeling for love so i don't really know? the relationships weren't always horrid, they were just uncomfortable after a few days. i hope this makes sense, i can try to explain more if needed

Books and movies and all media can be so dang hard. Even media that does show LGBTQ people in relationships can set completely unrealistic and unreachable expectations, not just about “perfect” people, but also how we will just know or our lives will change when we find “the one.” What would a perfect husband/boyfriend look like to you? Do you think that person is a realistic person, or a piece of fiction?

a perfect husband/boyfriend understands my feelings, is protective but not in one of those really corny weird ways, is defensive but in the right amount, is romantic, handsome, he's tall but not too tall, he likes my weird interests and participates regularly in them, he's always there but not always there and there's a lot more little things like that. i like fictional guys (was partially attracted to lucius malfoy when i was rewatching the first 2 movies last night, slightly embarrassing add but i thought might be important) who are absolutely perfect husbands, the kind of guys you couldn't really find a complaint about besides him being too perfect. i feel like it is a realistic person but i haven't really met any guy who meets my specific type? with girls, i'm not really bothered with how they are and it takes a lot to ward me off. with guys, even little things like how he types, how quiet he is and how he looks will ward me off. it's really easily for me to feel like i dont like a guy anymore compared to liking women

[Sofi]

Hi elysia, hope it's okay if I jump in.

You know, at the end of the day, we can't answser for you whether you're bi, pan, straight, gay, etc. That's something you get to decide on your own - you can use no label at all, or you can choose a label that feels right, there are no set rules. It's also okay for that label to change, since sexuality is fluid and it's natural for it to sort of ebb and flow over time, especially at your age. This is partly why so many of us now use the term 'queer' to describe our sexuality - it's kind of an umbrella term to just say we're LGBTQ+ and there's no need to be more specific than that. If that feels right to you, feel free to use that, or keep exploring the other terms.

So all that being said, I'm happy to keep talking to you about this to help you figure it out, but I just wanted to make it clear no one here (or anywhere) can answer the question you're asking, only you can. And just remember that whatever term you choose describes your sexuality in the present, not in the past or future. Therefore, whatever you did before doesn't really apply or matter.

I have to agree with both Latha and Mikky here - you sound way more excited about women, and everything you're describing about men sounds like it might be compulsory heterosexuality. This concept you describe of waiting for a "perfect husband" to come around and that's when you'll end up with a guy - yep, that's compulsory heterosexuality (often referred to as 'comphet', if you want to do some research on it, which I suggest you do).

That said, what does your gut tell you? If you stop trying to rationalize everything and just go with what your feelings say, do you actually like men? Do you feel like lesbian is a good term, or bisexual, or queer, or no label? That's how you want to go about it, is by just trusting that what you're feeling is right. Does that make sense? <3

[andreus19]

Hi Elsysia,
my opinion is that you should not bother yourself with such question. As time goes you will very easy understand what you are. Just be patient that is best advice I can give you.