Confused and questioning

[LostAtSea]

For the past few years my psychologist and I were under the impression that I was asexual. Last year I asked her about some feelings I was having towards a woman who had a caring role in my life, which she said was probably due to emotional dependence and vulnerability rather than anything sexual. Then a few weeks ago I began thinking about her again with sexual thoughts and arousal. I told my psychologist about this and she’s trying to help me to explore this. She set me some homework which includes looking at photos which has caused me even more confusion because I have found that I am also becoming aroused by the more intimate male images. I should mention that the only male crush I have ever had was on my long time friend in high school. As I have done more work with my feelings I have recalled a number of women I have experienced feelings about and kind of pushed them back into a box in my mind at the time. Most of them I had an emotional connection with but there were a couple of actresses/characters on tv as well. My head feels a bit chaotic trying to figure out what’s happening to me. I’ve gone from years of having very little sexual interest in anyone, to thinking about this woman and entertaining the idea that I might be a lesbian, to then question if I’m bi. What makes it more confusing is that I don’t like the idea of a man being inside me or his fluids being in my body. I have always felt safer with women, I’m not sure if it’s due to childhood trauma or something else. I feel like I have so many questions but I just don’t know what they are. I’m a very black and white thinker so this is all very uncomfortable for me.

[Becky]

Hey LostAtSea! Welcome to Scarleteen!

I can totally understand how confusing this all must feel. I'm going through a similar self-discovery journey myself!

I will let you know that part of this journey will be embracing being uncomfortable. Unfortunately when it comes to romantic and sexual attraction, things are rarely black and white and usually contain a lot of gray area. Personally, I think there's a lot of beauty in those inbetween spaces and a lot of room for discovery and exploration! I hope I can help offer some guidance and help you find some comfort in these spaces as well.

Your experience having crushes on a close friend and fictional characters resonates a lot with me. Some people, like myself, don't experience sexual attraction until we've built up a deep, emotional bond with someone. This can happen with close friends who you share emotional intimacy with, or fictional characters who you feel emotionally attached to.

I also think it's great you're already working through things you do and don't enjoy. I would also not take the "homework" you were given into account too much. I assume you meant your psychologist had you look at pornographic images of men and you felt aroused? Watching or look at sexual content can illicit a sexual response in our bodies, even if we're not attracted to the people we're looking at. So, not to disparage your psychologist, but I wouldn't factor this into your "data."

It's totally fine if you are not into dating or having sex with men right now. If you feel safer and more attracted to women and want to explore relationships solely with them, that is totally ok! Does that mean you are a lesbian? Maybe! But it could also change in the future and you may find yourself attracted to a man again. Labels can feel very comfortable and secure, but they can also be restrictive and put us in boxes. Since you're in the midst of discovering your attractions, I'd encourage you to give yourself permission to not label yourself and just follow your bliss!

It's also totally normal for our libido/sexual desire to ebb and flow over the course of our lives. Lots of things can affect how much we desire sex, not just being on the asexual spectrum. Things like our hormones, our mental health, our energy levels, our stress...

I've collected some articles from our website that I think would be helpful here. Give them a read and let me know what does and doesn't resonate and what other questions you have.

Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer
Am I Asexual?
Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz
The Bees and The Bees: A Homosexuality and Bisexuality Primer

[LostAtSea]

Hi Becky.
Thank you so much for your response. I read the articles you suggested. I’m not sure if I was asexual or if perhaps like you suggested my mental health was at play. Is it possible to experience crushes as an asexual? I kind of feel like I’ve been hit with a sudden tidal wave with my feelings recently which doesn’t fit with how my mental health has been lately, so I’m not sure what’s going on there. With regards to questioning if I’m bi or lesbian, I think if I’m bi it’s definitely with a stronger lean towards women. Yes, I think that the emotional connection is definitely important to me. The homework I’ve been doing with the photos is more artistic nudes rather than pornographic. It was of men and women. I’ve not dated before so knowing who I would like to date ie women, men or both, is difficult for me to determine. What can I do to help me figure this all out?
Thanks

[Tara]

Hi, LostAtSea.

I will jump in here if I can. I was wondering if you might be able to further define or flesh out what you mean by "crush" and if right now, for you, that includes emotional AND sexual arousal? Or if your crush is moreso just an emotional feeling?

With the pictures your therapist provided, have you engaged with those in a self-reflective manner to notice what thoughts and feelings arise for you? I think it would be helpful for you to note any body sensations you are having to better gauge if you are feeling sexual arousal and what that might mean for you moving forward.

I agree with Becky that even if you are now newly experiencing sexual desire that hadn't been there before, that doesn't automatically define you differently or should it radically shift your perception of yourself. Human emotions and desires are fluid and always changing, so what may have been a preference (or non-preference) for you at one time doesn't mean it will or has to be the same way forever. Although it can seem scary to have these changing states, it doesn't mean you have to change anything about yourself right away or ever if you choose not to. If you feel comfortable with the label of asexual, you can continue to identify with that until you want to change that.

Sexuality can be fun, experimental, and fluid - this doesn't need to be scary or cause guilt or shame. Are you open to experiencing different forms of sexuality? How are you feeling about the changes you are experiencing?

[LostAtSea]

Hi Tara,

The 'crushes' I refer to generally involve both emotional and sexual arousal. With people that I know there is usually an emotional element before the the sexual begins, but with the celebrities/characters on tv I'm not certain. I get physical sensations (both sexual and non-sexual), and my thoughts may linger on them even when they are not there anymore. With the photo work I have been doing, I do experience sexual arousal with both the male and female photos. I have reflected on them with regards to things I like, things I don't like, things that I am curious about and things I may want to experience in real life. The trouble is it seems to be causing me more confusion rather than clarifying things for me. I'm not really sure what you mean about if I'm open to experiencing different forms of sexuality. The changes I'm experiencing are confusing, causing anxiety and depression, and a bit of fear about what it all might mean. I'm feeling very curious, and have realised that there is so much that I never knew I didn't know. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed and lonely/isolated because there is no one in my life (outside of professionals) who I can talk about it with or ask questions of. My sexuality doesn't feel fun, it feels like something else in my life that makes me different, and that I need to keep secret. I'm feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment too. I feel like I have a lot of questions but my mind is so cloudy I don't know what they are.

[Becky]

Hi again, LostatSea,

I'm sorry this is feeling so confusing and isolating for you. It's totally okay to feel confused and have a lot of questions but not know what to ask.

I wish I could take away the anxiety and depression for you. I hope I can just offer a bit of comfort for now. If it's helpful to know that you are not alone in this. Your experience of questioning your sexuality and feeling alone resonates with a lot of people across the LGBTQ+ spectrum. I'm not saying this feeling definitively makes you Queer, just that you have a community out there who understands how you are feeling.

I do love that you said you're feeling curious! I think curiosity is our most powerful tool.

Have you looked into reading any books by lesbian or bisexual authors? Or do you follow any Queer creators on social media? Are there any LGBTQ+ clubs, meetups, or bars in your area?

Again, engaging with Queer media or spaces doesn't mean you have to commit to a label (and if anyone in those spaces tells you otherwise, tell them to f*ck off!) But Queer spaces often contain people who are open-minded to the nuances of our sexuality and identity and supportive of those of us who are confused and questioning. It might help normalize this experience for you and help you realize that there are other people out there like you and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm also curious, how are you feeling about dating or meeting new people at this time?

[LostAtSea]

Hi Becky,

No, I haven't read any books by lesbian or bisexual authors, or following any Queer creators on social media. I'm not sure about any LGBTQ+ clubs etc in my area. I live in a house with many family members and with very little privacy. Basically the only sources of information and media I can access are on my computer/phone when there's no one around. I can't let anyone in my family know about this struggle I am experiencing because they either don't understand or are homophobic. So it adds to the need for secrecy and the feelings of isolation and depression. Meeting new people is always a challenge for me because of my autism, and dating isn't something I have any experience with. Dating until I have worked out my sexuality, isn't something that I can do because it would be in essence "outing" myself. I feel like I'm getting a lot of big feelings and thoughts. It's all so new to me and it's making me miserable. It's overwhelming and I wish it would just stop. I think I was better off before this part of me woke up.

[Becky]

I'm sorry these feelings are so overwhelming right now. I'm glad you have your therapist and I encourage you to keep working with them.

I'm also glad you have access through your phone and computer, even if privacy is sometimes an issue. The good news is that there are so many cool things and spaces accessible via the internet!

In fact, if you want to, you can always make a post right here on Scarleteen asking to chat with other users (not volunteers/staff!) who are also questioning their sexuality. This is a topic people come to us to ask about all of the time and I bet your peers would also appreciate a space to chat and meet others. I know online spaces can be helpful, but aren't always a replacement for in person community but you are always welcome to come talk to us here at Scarleteen anytime you're feeling sad or overwhelmed. A lot of us understand what you are going through.

I wanted to drop another resource for you. There is a free digital library called The Queer Liberation Library that has a whole collection of LGBTQ+ focused books. You can apply for a free digital library card and access it on your phone via the Libby app. (You might have to lie a teensy bit and say you have a US Mailing address but I don't remember it actually asking me for my address.) I think reading is a great way to explore our identities and desires in a safe way because you can take what resonates and leave the rest. There are so many LGBTQ+ authors out there writing across all genres. I hope you can find a story or nonfiction resource that interests you and resonates with you.

https://www.queerliberationlibrary.org/

[rapidlongitude]

Hi LostAtSea,

I’m another forum user and wanted to message here and let you know that you’re not alone. While my situation is different, I am also an autistic woman questioning my sexuality. I related a lot to different things you said, like:

I’ve gone from years of having very little sexual interest in anyone

What makes it more confusing is that I don’t like the idea of a man being inside me or his fluids being in my body

I’m a very black and white thinker so this is all very uncomfortable for me.

I'm not really sure what you mean about if I'm open to experiencing different forms of sexuality. The changes I'm experiencing are confusing, causing anxiety and depression, and a bit of fear about what it all might mean

My sexuality doesn't feel fun, it feels like something else in my life that makes me different, and that I need to keep secret. I'm feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment too

It's overwhelming and I wish it would just stop. I think I was better off before this part of me woke up

These all struck a chord with me and I deeply related to your words.