my boyfriend can’t enjoy sex

[cat1616]

My boyfriend is very good at pleasuring me in other ways and takes good care of me and we have a lot of intimacy together, but it seems like I can’t really do anything to make him feel good, and even trying to perform penetrative sex is clumsy and not very pleasurable to either of us, because he is not sensitive at all and it doesn’t really go in properly. I’m very sensitive and I have a really high sex drive, and I’m not sure whether he is asexual or just bad at sex/has a too small penis(?) (I don’t really think that’s true either but)? What do I do? It feels really one sided but at the same time I also really want more. I don’t want him to feel insecure or guilty or sad because of me. Should I just forget about it and find ways to satisfy myself? We haven’t had sex since we tried because it was such a bad experience. I love him a lot and I don’t want to leave him just because sex is bad.

[Anya]

Hi cat1616,

Welcome to the boards!

When we engage with others sexually for the first time it can often be quite awkward or uncomfortable since you dont know yet what the other person likes, wants, or is thinking. And yes, we might never actually know what someone else is thinking because none of us are mind readers, but what we have figured out is that having open, honest conversations about these kinds of desires is often the most effective way of seeing where your partner is at, where they want to go, and what it takes to get there (and vice versa). Communication is, like sex, sometimes also really scary because for it to actually work, we gotta be willing to be vulnerable, but trust me, it can be very worth the while.

I want to share this article with you that goes over some some really great info on how to communicate about this kind of stuff with a partner. To make things even simpler, we have this great yes, no, maybe list that can be very helpful with the actual asking part! After you've read these, let me know any thoughts that linger or questions you might still have.

I also want to name that there are toooons of ways to be sexual with someone that aren't just penetrative sex. This article contains some really good info on what sex is or can be, and a non-exhaustive list of some of the other kinds you might want to try with your partner before just jumping into penetrative sex. How does this sound?

[Heather]

I want to quickly pop in here and offer up two things in addition to Anya's advice for you!

1) This is the big one: when we say "sex" here, as that last article Anya linked you to explaines, what we mean are any of the multitude of ways a person or people may explore or express their sexualities and sexual desires. We don't just mean intercourse or even only activities with genitals. For something to be "sex" between people, both people don't have to have their genitals involved. Actually, NEITHER person has to have their genitals involved. Sure, people often involve their genitals when they engage in sex, but not always, and genitals not being involved also doesn't mean someone isn't enjoying themselves.

So, before I started asking about what I can do so my partner enjoyed themselves in a situation like this, I'd make sure I had already talked with them to be sure I knew how they felt about that. Like, isn't he enjoying himself when it comes to what he is doing with you that you like? Isn't that also providing him pleasure? (As someone who sounds pretty invested in your boyfriend's pleasure, I'm sure you can appreciate how much pleasure it might give someone to be part of pleasure their partner is experiencing.) If so, how much does he feel that, all by itself, is an expression of his sexuality? How much or how little does he wants touch or stimulation with his genitals? What does he like that he knows about so far? For instance, if he does enjoy and want genital stimulation, how does touch with hands feel for him? Mouths?

2) "Penetration" is one of my least favorite recent popular terms as a sex educator. That's for a lot of reasons, but one biggie is I feel it gives people the wrong idea about how to have intercourse (a term I think does a lot better). To penetrate suggests someone is piercing something, so should just push. But really, when we engage in sex in a way where someone is going inside another person's bodily orifice -- be it a vagina, anus, or mouth -- there is also a pulling in or a gripping involved. When we also pay attention to that as the person who is going inside the other person's body, it often feels easier to go inside because we are going more slowly, and going *with* the movement of the other person's body, not pushing against it. I can't say if that will help you and your boyfriend -- and I still can't speak to if he even strongly wants vaginal intercourse for himself without knowing if he's said anything about that -- but it might. <3

[cat1616]

Thank you so much, Anya and Heather :>

Your articles were very lovely reads! Both of us are very open and communicative people, so we had another talk today and I discussed this insecurity I had with him. He was very sweet about it <3 we are going to take it slow and work it out together. I think I also have these fantastical expectations from erotica and pornography that just don’t play the same in real life, so that is my own mental adjustment to consider.

He ended up agreeing with what Heather said on the boards, how he really does feel more pleasure from my reactions and the overall experience of intimacy, and he’s also generally growing more to the idea of sexual experimentation. You guys are right - and really helpful - so thank you so much!

Especially on the perspective of penetration; I hadn’t considered that. Very interesting! My last sexual experience was with a girl (like wlw) so this is like completely new territory for me. TYSM <3

[Heather]

I'm so glad to hear these answers were helpful to both of you and that you wound up having such a great and fruitful conversation together about all of this! Sounds like you two have a really good foundation for a great relationship. I love to hear it! <3