How to communicate with my boyfriend?

[nrai]

The last time I asked a question here was regarding a pregnant freak out and I just wanted to let you know I have not had intercourse since that post was made, but I still do oral with my boyfriend. For the past three weeks I have not been in the mood at all for any type of sexual doing and I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend that I’m not really up for it. The main factors of this is because I simply feel disgusting in my body and I don’t want to be touched at all. He always wants me to give him head but I’m just not in the mood. I’ve already mentioned to him that I don’t want to do it everyday cus like I said IM NOT IN THE MOOD, but than I start to feel bad because he’s always caring about me and has listened to my needs and my wants, so than I end up giving him head and I just feel bad about myself afterwards. I love my boyfriend very much, but I’m starting to feel like all we do is lustful things and maybe I’m just overthinking it but I don’t know. I don’t want him to leave me for this or start a huge argument, but please help me find a way to communicate about this. Thank you.

[nrai]

I also want to mention that in no way does my boyfriend treat me negatively but he does have a higher sex drive than I do and that might be a factor? I’m not sure.

[Latha]

Hi there, Nrai! We can definitely chat about how you might communicate these feelings to your partner.

Giving your boyfriend oral is not the only way you can reciprocate the care he gives you. I can imagine how it might feel bad to say no here, but a partner who loves you would not want you to feel bad about yourself or uncomfortable with your relationship together. It is pretty common for partners to have differing levels of interest in sex. The solution to that is not you having sex that you don't want to be having.

How has your boyfriend responded to you telling him that you are not up to having sex everyday? I see you are concerned about there being a huge argument--has that happened before, between you two?

[nrai]

When I first mentioned that I no longer wanted to have sex back in October he was completely fine with it and understanding. We have gotten into an argument once because of this but it was because he was giving me head and I began to cry because I felt very disgusting in my body. He was upset because he believed that there is nothing wrong with my body and shouldn’t worry about it. We both communicate very well with eachother but our huge arguments are always about the fact that I over analyze my body too much and it shouldn’t be the main reason why he cant finger me or give me head. Another thing is that his love language is physical touch while mine isnt, I prefer words of affirmations and he sometimes does not meet that need. I just don’t know how to start this conversation.

[Latha]

I am glad to hear that your boyfriend has been largely understanding, and that is sounds like whatever disagreements you have have come from a place of genuine care for you and good intentions. He might need to adjust how he expresses his care, but this seems workable!

It sounds like you might want to communicate a few things in a conversation with your partner:

• You haven't been in the mood for any kind of sex, and would like to take a break from it.

• When you express the fact that you don't feel good in your body and don't want to be touched, you don't want to resulting interaction to become an argument about how you should feel.

• You would like for him to use more words of affirmation to express his care for you.

Is this right?

I think the difficult part of starting these conversations is often not the words themselves, but the stakes. You've explained how you feel well to us and you could use those same words with him. But, if you are worried about hurting him, there being a huge argument, or your relationship ending, I can imagine it would get so much more complicated to say what you need to say.

I wonder if it would help to remember that a conversation like this isn't an accusation and doesn't only have to be about the problems. This can be an opportunity: to also check in with him about how the he has been feeling, find ways to make your relationship more supportive for both of you, and tell him how much you appreciate his care for you and how he listens to your wants and needs.

If it is intimidating to imagine saying no to sex with him and having to explain why, it might help to bring this up outside of that context. And as with all important conversations, it will likely help to start when both of you have the time and space to sit down and listen to each other.

How does this sound? Would you like to work on a script for what you should say to your partner?