I haven't been feeling the urge to masturbate lately

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

I don't know, whenever I try to masturbate, it doesn't really feel as good as it usually does. Sometimes, when I try, it gets kind of close, but it's not as thrilling as it used to be.

And a little bit of background about my sexual life i guess:
I started masturbating when I was a bit older, at like 17, but not consistently, and I've never been able to orgasm before, at least I don't think so. I prefer g spot stim and I know that's weird but I kind of prefer it better. The fact that I've never orgasmed and I don't enjoy touching my clit is a little bit embarrassing, especially now that I'm seeing someone, but I'd rather just take my time and enjoy things. Idk if that's normal though.

I also don't really have the privacy to masturbate in my own home that much and I feel like my libido has decreased a lot and it makes me a bit sad.

I just want masturbating to feel good again and to be horny or at least know it'll pass if that makes any sense.

[Latha]

Hi there, Gnarp_gnarp_2! I remember speaking to you on our textline, so I'm glad you made it to the boards!

It does make sense. Let me assure you that it is *very* likely that this will pass, because it isn't unusual for people to go through periods where the way they masturbate doesn't feel as good anymore. You might just need some time: to explore new ways of masturbating, or to connect with your body in other ways.

...I'd rather just take my time and enjoy things. Idk if that's normal though.

I think taking your time and enjoying things is a good approach, actually. It isn't at all strange that you want that, nor is it weird that you prefer vaginal stimulation and haven't orgasmed. There are so many people in the world, and so many different ways to be sexual. Even if some preferences are more or less common than others, what is normal for human beings is diversity.

If I may ask, what is it about your reduced interest in sex that has made you sad? Is it the sense that you're missing a reliable way to feel good, or the uncertainty of feeling that way again?

P.S. If you would like, we can try to help you brainstorm ways to get more privacy at home--it is a question we help with often, and we'd be happy to help.

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Hi Latha,

I’m glad I finally got on the boards too!

I guess I’m just upset because I feel behind from everyone else if that makes any sense. And as for your second question, it’s kinda a mix of both.

It doesn’t really feel great to masturbate how I usually do right now, but I’ve tried other ways and it’s also not that great.

[Sofi]

Hi there, hope it's okay that I jump in. That does make sense, there's a lot of folks who feel that they're falling behind their peers in sexual experience, but that's just never the case. There are plenty of people who haven't even masturbated at your age yet, or who tried but couldn't get into it - I was one of them! I did feel like I was behind everyone else and it went on into my early 20s. But to be honest, I was just going on my own timeline. I hadn't found what worked for me, so when I'd tried, it just wasn't enjoyable enough.

The key is experimenting but with a lot of patience with yourself, because our primary sex organ is our brain, so when we add pressure or a sense of rush, we're less likely to enjoy it. So, what if you tried to take a small break from masturbating or even thinking about it, and focus on some other activities you like, whether that's physical exercise, crafting, etc. Then when you feel like you're really in the mood, you can give it another try, but make sure you're very relaxed and you aren't feeling anxious or stressed about the whole thing. Just go into it with the idea that you'll be trying new things you haven't before and/or revisiting things you tried in the past, just to find what feels good, nothing more. How does that sound?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Hi Sofi,

Thank you for saying this. It’s making me feel better about my situation.

I’m curious though, are there any studies or resources that really say the biggest sex organ is the brain?

[Latha]

Hello Gnarp_gnarp_2,

As I understand, the idea that the brain is our biggest sexual organ is an extension of our understanding of how pleasure and sensation work in general. To pull from our article on sexual anatomy:

The brain is responsible for our emotions, our perceptions (including of pain and of pleasure), our memories; for regulating and controlling our central nervous system⁠, our cardiovascular system, our endocrine system and our senses. The hypothalamus of the brain is responsible for the secretion of hormones⁠ that influence sexual feelings and response, like oxytocin, vasopressin, serotonin and dopamine. The brain receives and processes messages from your sensory organs, giving you and other parts of your body information about how something (or someone, including yourself) looks, sounds, tastes, smells and feels to you. It’s also the brain that sends and receives signals regarding blood pressure, heart rate, body temperature and how we breathe: all huge parts of sexual function, experience and response.

Your whole experience of feeling pleasure happens through your brain. In turn, your neurological health, psychological state, and beliefs about sex can have significant effects on the physical experience of being sexual. Saying the brain is the biggest sexual organ is a recognition of how important all this is.

So yes, there are other resources and research that say this, or take it as a given. Those links are just two examples--there is a great deal of interesting work going on about the neurobiology or neurochemistry of sex.

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

I’m born female and I’ve said something similar to this on Scarleteen before but I feel disinterested when a start masturbating for a while.

Sometimes I don’t get that feeling but I’ve never orgasmed and although I know people are on their own path, I actually feel really self conscious about it.

Do you have any tips?

[lilikoi]

Hi gnarp_gnarp_2!

I merged your topics because they are so related and it helps us keep track of the information that's already been shared. It sounds like your main wondering this time around is how to maintain interest while masturbating to be able to achieve orgasm. Is that right?

In your posts last week, it looks like you got some reassurance from Latha and Sofi that orgasms are not the be all end all. To respond to your original post title, it is not weird that you cannot orgasm! Like Latha and Sofi mentioned, you are not behind. It is completely normal to be where you are at.

I would absolutely reiterate that people and culture mistakenly emphasize orgasm when thinking about sex. You do not need to orgasm to enjoy sex! It can also make the experience less enjoyable to put pressure on an outcome. That's why an important place to start is by identifying what gets you aroused and paying attention to what is more stimulating for you compared to other things. Rather than focusing on a recipe for orgasm, it is a way to be present with your arousal.

Do you think doing that could help you maintain interest while masturbating?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

But doesn’t not being able to orgasm mean you’re not comfortable with your body?

And I someone I don’t even want to masturbate, like right now, send it bothers me because my libido had decreased so much because of the circumstances I already mentioned.

And sometimes I noticed me being horny also depends on my menstrual cycle and I don’t know if that’s even true because some people say it’s not and I don’t know what to believe

[lilikoi]

Not orgasming does not automatically mean discomfort with your body. That being said, do you notice moments where you feel uncomfortable with your body? Does it feel disconnective or uncomfortable for you to masturbate without an orgasm? I ask because for many people, a lack of orgasm is not uncomfortable. You can be comfortable with your body and feel desire and have satisfying sex without orgasm.

There are so many reasons that arousal would falter before an orgasm. It could be related to internal factors like mood, lack of awareness of body sensations, shame and discomfort with the idea of sex, or related to external factors like medications and time of day and touch that doesn't feel good. Your menstrual cycle can definitely impact your sex drive because of the hormonal fluctuations associated with it or pain related to your period.

Do any of those factors feel relevant to you?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

No I don’t really feel uncomfortable with my body. Though now that at you mention it I’m not sure if I was but I wasn’t aware of it but that might be me overthinking, which I do quite often. It’s just usually when I’m alone and I don’t orgasm I just think I’ll just do better next time and it’s not a big deal since I don’t really care. But when I’m seeing someone it makes me so embarrassed I want to die. It sounds dramatic but that’s really how I feel and I often cry because of it. The person I’m with doesn’t mind but I still feel insecure.

It’s reassuring that menstrual cycles can impact libido but what if I do want to orgasm but I just can’t? Sometimes I am turned on and I feel like I’m about to orgasm but I just can’t and I don’t understand why.

[Latha]

Hi Gnarp_gnarp_2,

No I don’t really feel uncomfortable with my body. Though now that at you mention it I’m not sure if I was but I wasn’t aware of it but that might be me overthinking

Maybe, but it is only understandable, because this is a situation that lends itself to worry. What if you didn't know that you were feeling uncomfortable? is one of those questions that can't be answered, but it sounds like you are asking because not orgasming has been weighing on you.

Regardless of whether discomfort is a factor here, I think it can't hurt to be intentional about developing and strengthening a positive connection with your body. We know that helps a lot of people during sex, and it is likely to have benefits elsewhere in your life. If you want, we can chat about how you might do that.

Having the expectation that you can do better (and that it is something you should do) seems like pressure to me. I wonder, does there have to be a 'better'? What would it be like if you focused on enjoying and exploring pleasurable sensations without thinking about whether you'll orgasm?

It sounds dramatic but that’s really how I feel...

How you feel is how you feel--we wouldn't hold that against you. If I may ask, what thoughts come to mind for you when you feel insecure or embarrassed? What does not orgasming say about you, when you are seeing someone?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Hi Latha,

You're right I did ask that question because it's been weighing on me, but someone told me not being able to orgasm means you're not comfortable with your body and I wasn't sure if that was true.

Sometimes when I'm experiencing pleasure I don't always want to keep going for a long time so I usually want to stop, and I know a lot of people including my partner equates orgasms as enjoying sex whereas not orgasming means not enjoying it and I feel like embarrassed that I can't because I feel like I look immature and kind of stupid even though no one said that.

[Latha]

Ahhh, I see!

Hmmm... Even though no one said those things to you now, I can imagine why someone might feel the way you do. The idea that orgasms make for good, enjoyable sex is such an established fact in some circles. When it doesn't happen, it is often framed as a sign of inexperience, or as a gap in a partner's ability. How are you supposed to convince your partner otherwise? It can be done if they're open to complicating their ideas about sexual pleasure, but it isn't the simplest thing. I think struggling to justify yourself can feel embarrassing, even when you are right.

I'm glad you know that you don't have to orgasm to have pleasurable sex, and that you can stop whenever you want. Have you discussed the pressure you're feeling with your partner? Do you think it would help to share resources that support the idea that people can have enjoyable sex without orgasms with them?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Thank you for saying that to me. It really means a lot to know why and how things are the way they are. I honestly don't think they'll read through it and I have explained how to feel and what I think about sexual pleasure but I end up crying a lot because I feel like I should've known better or done better or something. It's a little bit embarrassing but I tend to not do well in emotionally pressuring situations and my partner says they're more concerned than angry or upset at me and they just want me to relax.

[Latha]

To me, it sounds like you have been feeling a lot of different and perhaps conflicting pressures. You have to know better and do better. Be mature and communicate well. Be relaxed. Not struggle or be stressed, even when you're dealing with topics that are heavy for you in conditions that are not ideal. What a difficult position to be in!

I know we are in the habit of asking questions and giving advice here. I don't want that to add to those pressures--leave you feeling like there is something wrong with you as you are. Because there isn't.

When we ask you to tell us about something or consider an idea, it isn't because we believe you are immature or that you just need to follow someone else's guidance. We don't want to put you on the back foot and make you justify yourself. We recognize that you can be very capable and still need (and deserve) support.

I believe that thinking with people who respect you can be very helpful. I hope you'll feel the same with us.

So, I'm hearing that you have a sense that your partner wouldn't read through a resource about pleasurable sex and orgasms, even though the topic is important to you. That is strange, because it seems like such a small ask to me. Just wanting you to relax isn't all that helpful if it comes without compassion for your concerns.

You've mentioned that they don't mind that you don't orgasm before, but also that they equate enjoying sex to orgasming. That is the sort of contradiction that would leave me feeling uneasy. If I may ask, how have you learnt these things about them? Would you like to talk a bit more about your relationship, or about the other places where you've heard these ideas about the necessity of orgasms to pleasure?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

I mean first, we’re actually not dating. I just never said fwb because it just didn’t occur to me they o could say that but it makes things less clear. That’s why they’re not willing to do things that a normal partner in a relationship would. They’re also pretty busy. There was a time when I got pretty frustrated because they wouldn’t answer my texts and I confronted them about it while they were studying and they started crying and I feel terrible.

I think I overthink a lot of things and honestly I think they said something like I should spend more time masturbating to see what I like and that there’s nothing to be stressed or cry about.

They just said they’re more worried about me crying because it makes them feel more guilty but I still feel kind of embarrassed still.

I guess we kind of just talk about these kinds of things when we get the chance to and they’re pretty calm about everything even when things go wrong but I tend to freak out. But our conversations usually aren’t that awkward and I feel like we can talk about these things without being judged when I’m with them so there’s no issue there. I just feel insecure and shy sometimes.

And I think just generally people on the internet and society think that not orgasming means not enjoying sex so it’s difficult when I can’t and I do like what I’m doing with my partner.

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Sorry for double posting but I was masturbating recently and at different times when I thought about men I was able to get really really close but another time I could only do that with women. I don’t understand why it can’t be either one but it’s kind of stressing me out and I want to cry.

I know this doesn’t really relate to what I’m talking about in this post but it does relate to masturbating so I just put it here

[lilikoi]

Hi again gnarp_gnarp_2,

Reading through your posts, I am wondering if there is an aspect of sex right now for you that is enjoyable or satisfying? I hear that you feel embarrassed and end up crying and that sometimes you feel insecure and shy. It can be useful when you are feeling those ways to step back and identify what is working.

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

I mean I enjoy blowjobs since my partner has a penis but idk if that counts and I also really like it when they finger me. It’s just strange because being horny for me can very strongly different at different times.

Sometimes I feel nothing and everything is centered around my groin and at other times I can feel going up to my heart if that makes any sense.

I just can’t orgasm still

[maille]

Hi gnarp_gnarp_2,

You've received a lot of sound wisdom here, and I hope its okay if I add on.

Receiving pleasure during giving oral sure does count! So does fingering! I am glad to hear, that at times, sex can be fairly enjoyable for you. I realize that it may feel discouraging when you are not always in that place. I do not really think it is all that strange that your libido fluctuates. That's actually pretty normal and dependent on so many things, particularly psychological ones, such as stress and an occupied mind. I mention these two specifically because they seem to be applicable to your situation. Stress and pressure about reaching what many people see as the ending of a sexual experience (an orgasm) works against its own cause. And being preoccupied about what a sexual partner thinks, fwb or not, doesn't help either. Our brains are tricky places, aren't they?

If I were in your shoes (I have been, like many reading this), I would encourage myself to try to be very mindful of my thoughts during sex, and do my best to let the worrisome ones pass. Increased awareness to bodily sensations sounds like it might also be helpful.

How does this all sound to you?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

I meant giving blowjobs and I really like it when my partner kisses my neck. Fingering is good but it’s a bit more difficult with a partner though I think it’s because we need time to learn about our bodies though I don’t know if that could be a reason

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

I meant giving blowjobs and I really like it when my partner kisses my neck. Fingering is good but it’s a bit more difficult with a partner though I think it’s because we need time to learn about our bodies though I don’t know if that could be a reason

Edit: sorry I misread what you said. Thank you for reassuring me that this has happened to people by the way. I feel a little less alone

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Sorry to post so many times. I didn't realize you cant' edit a message after a certain period of time. I wanted to ask with my last reply. Is it possible to feel different types of arousal in different periods of time?

There are times where I only want to masturbate by myself and discover what I like and it feels like an inspiration or motivation to do something.

Whereas when I want to be with a guy, I feel very submissive and my heart beats very rapidly in short increments for as long as I'm turned on. I also feel it inside my vagina where it's a bit tingly and I want to feel full. With women I don't really feel those things as much. It's more like a curiosity and my heartbeat is stronger rather than quick and rapid. I also feel like touching my clit more. I noticed it's easier to masturbate when I have those feelings like I do when I think of women but I still can't' exactly finish. I feel like I need both of those feelings to come together to do that and I don't really know what to make out of it.

There are times when I can feel both of these desires for both genders and I don't understand why. If it's a bit easier to get close to an orgasm when I feel the curiosity type of desire, does that mean that the other one is fake? And if it is, why do I feel the "full" type of desire when I see both genders sometimes?

[mikky]

Yes, it is possible, and normal, to feel different types of arousal. I do think, with our other active conversation in mind, that the level of analysis you are doing around these feelings might not be so helpful to you. Do you often feel a need to know exactly what you are feeling (physically/in your body)?