General advice around pronoun anxieties

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! I've chatted on the message boards before about my pronoun anxieties.

I'm trying to be more deliberate about using he/him pronouns and seeing what comes up with the experimentation. I tried using they/he pronouns previously in a support group and I think the "he/him" pronouns didn't get that much usage. So I'm going to purposely try using he/him in an upcoming queer support group.

I feel like even though I'm going to move forward with that choice and see what comes out of it. I feel like I'm guarding myself already and not being open to what could come out of it, e.g., enjoying and resonating with those pronouns. And honestly that's the internalized transphobia coming out. How do I try to push that back enough, to feel and sense how the experimentation makes me actually feel? How do I refrain from resistance that starts from the get go? Ugh, it's hard to not overcomplicate things. I wish I had that immediate clarity.

[Latha]

Welcome back, Berkley2003!

Just using he/him pronouns in a support group sounds like a great way to explore! And there is little that seems more understandable to me than wanting immediate clarity when you're scared of something that could make you very happy. Still, I hope you won't be down on yourself for taking time--sometimes that is just what you need, and there is nothing wrong with that.

We can definitely chat about what you might do to make it easier to connect with more positive feelings around this change. To start, I have a few questions I want to ask to check-in on somethings we've discussed before:

• In the past, you've mentioned that you've been worried about how other people will see your transition. Are those the same concerns that come up with this resistance now?

• How has your transition felt so far? I think I remember reading that you were taking T-- how has that been?

Would it help to spend some time focusing on the reasons why you do like he/him pronouns? In an ideal world, how would other people talk to you?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! Thanks for your response. Yeah I think I'm being hard on myself for not easily accepting it as an option. I want to get to a place where I can accept that it's an option I could go for if I want.

To answer your questions, yes I definitely feel like I am self conscious about how people see me as trans and my transition. I'm self conscious about it. And I have fears about people perceiving me and that accompanies feelings of resistance.

I was taking T for a while, but have since stopped. I think I was pressuring myself/thinking it was the direction to go. I know transition isn't linear but sometimes I'm like have I fully explored myself?

I'm thinking it might be helpful to ask one of my close friends to try out "he/him" pronouns with me. Maybe in addition to the support group? I'm still waiting to join it soon this month. I think it could help thinking how I want other people to talk to me and reasons why I like he/him pronouns?

[Latha]

Ohhh, I like the idea of trying he/him pronouns out with a friend! It will probably give you more information to work with, and since it is a friend, you'll be able to ask for adjustments if you need.

I was wondering, do you feel more or less self-conscious about transitioning in different contexts? Does being around other trans people, for example, make it easier to worry less about people seeing you negatively?

[Berkeley2003]

Yeah, maybe I'll do experiment those pronouns with my friend. I've mentioned it in passing before, so it might make it easier for me.

I honestly feel less self conscious about it around other queer and trans people. I think it is because the idea of fluidity (changing names, pronouns) feels more commonplace in those spaces.

I honestly feel kind of bad that I'm cagey on the idea of trying out he/him. I know I've got internalized transphobia going on. I feel like whenever I see a trans man show up on my social media feed, I'm like panicked about that possibly being my trajectory. I kind of afraid to "try on this identity" and see how it makes me feel. Honestly, I really hate uncertainty and my intolerance kind of makes me wanna conclude, "Okay this is it, you're he/him and a trans man. Case settled."

[Latha]

Hello, Berkley2003!

Honestly, I really hate uncertainty and my intolerance kind of makes me wanna conclude, "Okay this is it, you're he/him and a trans man. Case settled."

One way or another, that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself. There is nothing wrong with being hesitant, and taking time to work through your feelings--they simply are what they are. Even if your actions and thoughts don't align with your values right now, having compassion for yourself will probably make it easier to see the way forward.

And at this point, I'm not too sure the real issue is intolerance or internalized transphobia, so I'm curious about what you're seeing that leads to that conclusion. In one of your previous discussions here, Jacob suggested that framing your hesitance in these terms might be a way of absorbing anxiety as self-criticism, and blaming yourself for not having a sure answer to what are understandably complex questions. What do you think of that now?

I'm like panicked about that possibly being my trajectory...

If I may ask, what is it about that trajectory that makes you feel panicked? Is there anything in their experiences, or in their presentation, that you do not want for yourself?

[Berkeley2003]

hi! I appreciate your help a lot and the reflection on it's a lot of pressure to put on myself. I sometimes don't have a good gauge on when I'm tough on myself. I feel like rushing myself into a conclusion, even though that's not necessarily how things pan out.

I think you and Jacob have a point about absorbing my anxiety as self-critique. I have a lot of anxiety regarding my gender. I'm afraid of not being likeable or attractive as I try to figure myself out. I think a lot about what I perceive other people will think. There are supportive people in my life but I still feel this way.

I think I'm afraid of showing change around myself to people. Even though it's completely natural to change and to feel differently.

[lilikoi]

Hi Berkeley2003,

I'm so happy to hear that you have supportive people in your life! Change of any kind is hard already so change related to identity and self-expression becomes personally complicated. Where are you at these days with pronouns? Did you try it out with your close friend?

[Berkeley2003]

I feel bad but I've been procrastinating on telling my close friend. I just have to send a text! I'm going through a lot of life changes and so change related to identity and self-expression feels fraught. It feels scary and anxiety provoking.

[Sofi]

No need to feel bad about that! This is your journey and there is no preset timeline for any of this. You go at your own pace and if you need to take some more baby steps before getting to the step of telling your friend, that's okay. <3

[Berkeley2003]

Thanks! I kind of feel cowardly towards my timeline. I kind of feeling like I'm beating myself up and telling myself, "Why aren't you letting yourself express yourself and why are you holding yourself back?" It's kind of difficult to give myself compassion. What am I scared and anxious about? I'm scared and anxious by the prospect of presenting myself differently to the world. I'm scared of new, big changes. I'm scared of holding myself back and not giving myself the chance to self-express.

[mikky]

There is no cowardly timeline- however you choose to go about big new changes is brave, no matter how long it takes
I hope you can lend yourself some more compassion, because this is big. It seems like you've already made strides toward giving yourself the chance to express yourself, which not everyone can do.
If you ever want to draft the text to your friend here, you're welcome to do that. Maybe softly putting it out into the world will help you feel readier. But, like Sofi says, there's no pre-set timeline for any of this, and, you aren't holding yourself back to want to take things slowly.

[Berkeley2003]

Thanks! I'm gonna text my friend this week as my goal.

Maybe this is relatable, but I've recently been in a stressed out mode about my gender. It doesn't really help that I'm a person who deals with OCD. It makes things feel more complicated than necessary. Do you have any general tips for like pausing and taking a step back? I feel like I'm doing a lot of thinking about what if scenarios and in the vein of my initial dilemma, taking it pretty slow in trying things out. I wish being queer and trans wasn't so complicated.

[Heather]

Honestly, I think gender and sexual orientation is complex for pretty much everyone, it’s just that those of us who are QT are both much more aware of it AND suffer more for our gender/sexual complexities because heteronormativity and cissexism marginalize us. But I hear you!

None of this should be for other people, it’s about and for you. So you get whatever pace with it feels right, and that includes giving yourself pauses or asking others for them.

What do you feel like would feel best slowed or paused for you right now?

[Berkeley2003]

I appreciate those points and yeah I just feel at the moment pretty scared and anxious about myself and future. I don't feel particularly great, if anything on edge and things feel like they're spinning. I feel like what would feel best slowed or paused for myself right now is starting back the trans support group (i had been absent for a bit because of school schedule conflict) and baby stepping into he/him pronouns.

[Tara]

It's great that you are self-reflecting and make decisions for your journey that feel most comfortable and supportive for you. I think getting back into the support group and slowly integrating your new pronouns in a way that is comfortable are great first steps. Do you need any support for getting back into your group?

[Berkeley2003]

I was able to have some courage and share with my friend! I'm glad that I made that step and will probably do the same in the upcoming support group. I'm kind of like trying to soothe the part of me that wants to rush and arrive at a conclusion and start mentally planning. I hate the uncertainty.

[amber]

How exciting!! I'll speak for all of us volunteers here and say we are proud of you! It is not an easy thing to be vulnerable in the way you were with your friend, this is definitely a win!

I also wanted to share that I personally relate a lot to your anxieties on 'moving too slow'. I used they/she pronouns in online spaces for YEARS before making the step to ask people in real life to refer to me in the same way. I too put pressure on myself to 'be open' in my real life the same way I was online. Looking back, I am so glad for that time I had to learn more about myself in a way I could control. It is not that our situations are the same, but maybe hearing that I had similar anxities could ease some of that pressure.

[Berkeley2003]

Thank you so much! It is definitely a struggle to be vulnerable in general for me.

I'm kind of dealing with reluctance and probably apprehension to go back to my trans queer support group. I think it would be good for me to feel a sense of community with other queer people, but I feel like it would be more practice around trying out "he/him" pronouns. I think since my friend is long-distance, they're not much chance to experience hearing myself referred that way. I don't know, I still feel anxious about the idea of trying it out even with my support group/returning to the group. It always felt like a lot of effort to get myself to go when I did go, but I was glad whenever I went and stuck through the initial discomfort.

[mikky]

It sounds like you have some really good insight around how it has felt when you have gone to the group and accepted the support that they offer. Is it the anxiety of trying out he/him pronouns that creates the feeling of apprehension, or is there other things that feel hard about going to the group? I would assume it would be a mix of feelings and vulnerabilities.
Though almost all of my friends are other qt folk, I find it sooo hard to talk about myself in that company- it feels so specifically vulnerable sometimes.

[Berkeley2003]

Yes, that's on the nose. I think something feels acutely vulnerable about trying on something new aka "he/him" pronouns in the company of people even though they're from the qt community. I'm afraid of trying something new even though I've been brave in the past with the process. It feels like I've made half steps towards progress, b/c I'm not currently actively being referred by those pronouns since like I mentioned - my friend is long distance. Even though I've told them about using those pronouns as a trial.

[Latha]

Hi Berkeley2003!

It doesn't have to be a problem if you're having trouble with things you've been brave about before. That is just a part of the process a lot of the time--you may have heard that half steps are still steps and that progress doesn't have to be linear.

If you'd like to hear yourself being referred to by your pronouns, do you think it could help to call your long-distance friend and ask them to talk about you in made-up situations? They could pretend to introduce you to someone, or pretend to talk about you in the ways someone might use your pronouns.

Also, you've mentioned that you're glad whenever you do end up attending your support group. Is there anything that might reduce the pressure of returning, and make that discomfort easier to manage?

[Berkeley2003]

Thank you! I appreciate that affirmation.

I feel too embarrassed to kind of ask my friend further so maybe my option is turning back to the support group.

Yes, I think I feel better after attending the support group. I think it's honestly the embarrassment and vulnerability of the experience that detracts me from consistently attending. I'm honestly debating whether it makes sense to make a pact with myself to go at least 3x in a row and to reward myself. I don't know?

[Latha]

Hello Berkeley2003!

Since you said you like the support group and that you feel better when you go, a pact doesn't sound like a bad idea to me. You could make going three times in a row a goal. Reward yourself when it happens, but don't be harsh with yourself if it doesn't--you can always start counting again.

Is asking people to use your pronouns the only thing that makes the support groups feel uncomfortably vulnerable? Would it help to have a space that isn't so structured or focused on talking about emotions and giving support?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! I appreciate you reminding me about not being so harsh on myself.

I would say just asking people to try out those pronouns on me makes me feel acutely vulnerable. I think maybe also not feeling like I really know what I'm doing with myself regarding pronouns.

Would you mind elaborating on the point about having a space that isn't so emotion-focused and structured?

I'm also cognizant that this chain is getting really long, so I want to respect if it makes sense to cut it off.