23/M. Is my situation considered rape and what could I even do?

[Vibe]

I'm Still confused about something that happened about a week ago. I got drunk at a coworker's house and went to sleep in an unused room. Sometime during the night, I was awakened by the feeling of pressure on my hips and the motion of being rocked back and forth. I opened my eyes, but the room was pitch black. I felt a pair of hands leaning on my chest, I was very lethargic upon awakening, and my first thought was that someone was desperately trying to wake me up or perhaps thought that I died.

Again, I was really out of it at first. So I said "I'm awake, I'm awake" and I heard a female voice whisper "shh, just relax." and then I finally realized that someone was on top of me having sex. At first, I thought 'how?' so I guess I must have had an erection in my sleep, no clue, but I was in fact fully erect and don't remember anything between going to bed and this moment of waking up.

Again, the room was pitch black, I was still drunk or somewhat so and for a few moments after I heard her speak, I just felt confused. I heard her breathing heavy and my memory and awareness finally kicked in. I reached up with my hands to feel and confirm that it was in fact my coworker's wife. I mostly just felt shock and confusion. I was trying to force myself to have a sober thought process.

I asked her what the hell she was doing, as I attempted to sit up, but she had her hands on my chest leaning over me and I realized that I had no leverage. I guess it was the only reaction I could muster at the moment. She asked, "doesn't that feel good? Just relax." I responded with "wait, slow down, let me up." again attempting to sit up because I knew this was wrong, and I just needed a moment to clarify what the hell was going on. I grabbed her hips, attempting to stop her from moving, but it didn't work. For some reason, her voice whispering like that just felt calming when she said, "Shh, stay quiet. Just hold still and let me help you relax."

I never consented nor ever alluded that I wanted this at anytime prior, but for whatever reason I relaxed, and she continued for a while. When I told her to get up because I was about to finish, she ignored me, and I felt so guilty afterward. She started to leave the room and at the moment, I wanted to know why this happened. She told me it was no big deal and to go back to sleep.

After processing that the next morning, I did confront her again when she was alone but this time she claimed that nothing happened, that she never even went into that room, and that I must have been so drunk that I was having a waking dream. I got upset that she tried to dismiss me like that, so I threatened to tell her husband, and then she got mad. Her demeanor changed like I've never seen. Told me that I was the one that finished in her so if I do, she was going to say that I raped her, because that's all the evidence she needs and then asked me to leave. I felt like she has power over me now, and honestly kinda scared to do or say anything that would make her mad.

My friend suggests that I was raped, but I'm not sure what it is. I don't know why I didn't react differently, it was as if I became entranced by the physical feeling, perhaps. I never felt certain on what I should do. Should I file a police report? If I file, then wouldn't that discount any accusations from her in retaliation?

If I do file a police report, what exactly would happen, considering that I became aroused and finished without doing anything about it? And in the extreme case, what should I do if she becomes pregnant? Like, how would something like this work considering I'm a guy? It's like both embarrassing and frustrating, and I feel pretty stupid.

[mikky]

I want to first say I am really sorry that this is what has brought you here today, and I hope we can provide some support for you.

This post is going to read really practical, but I hope you can tell us in response how we can best support you. If that’s emotionally, we can do that. Another quick note- I am really basing a lot of this on you living in Indiana. I know sometimes folks don’t like to share where they actually live when they make their profiles. If that is the case here, let us know so we can figure out how to find more relevant information.

It does not sound like any part of this was consensual or wanted. You get to choose the words you use- sexual assault, abuse, rape, etc; but I can tell you that this is legally rape, and I think most of us here would call it so.

You were drunk/disoriented/asleep, which are combined are not conditions that anyone is able to say yes or no to anything. Relaxing or having an erection are not consent. And as for why you didn’t react differently, when you are in a situation in which someone is making you do something you don’t want to do, it is hard to think or react in ways you otherwise would.

Further, it sounds as if she is threatening you. It seems like you’ve told a friend about this, and I think that is very important to do and keep doing if you are comfortable.
This woman does not sound like a safe person. I can understand why you would be frightened or feel that she has power over you.

Getting a sexual assault exam can feel overwhelming, so I’ll share a guide for that: Sexual Assault Exam: An Insiders Guide. This could be important for both getting STI testing and for getting connected to resources in your area that are more specific/local than what we have available right now. You can see a map of Indiana and the resources available by county to find/connect with advocates and other resources here: https://www.endsexualassault.org/get-he ... directory/.

Going to police can be a varied experience, but this is rape under Indiana state law, and there are legal resources for folks who experience sexual assault in your state. . A different staff or volunteer who has more experience might be able to help walk you through the process in more detail tomorrow, when folks are on shift.

Here’s something I pulled from Dealing With Rape to consider while you are thinking about whether or not to report:

Next, you should consider calling the police, once [a support person] is present, or go to the station or to an emergency room to report a rape. When and if you do, you should state as soon as possible, that you wish to prosecute, even if you’re not sure if you’ll want to right away. Filing a report, hard as it can be, is wise to do so that pressing charges is an option for you if you want to exercise that option. Without that report and evidence, pressing charges later is very difficult.
You can change your mind later if you want, and choose not to press charges, but getting help and filing a report as early as you can will initiate health testing you will need, and better reporting of the incident. Do NOT at any point, appear to waver on your desire⁠ to prosecute, even if you are unsure. When at the station, or at the scene⁠ at which you have reported, ask for a rape crisis counselor or advocate. That person’s job is to help and support a victim and their needs, solely, during this process.

A lot of resources for your state and in general are marketed and targeted toward women, but that doesn’t mean they are only for women, or that this doesn’t happen to men. As I was just looking for resources for you, I saw a stat that “1 in 4 men in Indiana have been victims of sexual violence at some point in their lifetime.” That is a heavy statistic to read, but shows how not alone you are in this, even regionally.

I hope this is an okay place to start, and that you know that this is not your fault. You aren’t stupid for not knowing how to navigate this- it is a really, really hard situation to navigate. We’re here for you <3

[Vibe]

I got an STD test, so that part is over with and I'm okay. The worst part is that I think about it every day it seems, and I think that I want to report this and prosecute, but I am worried that she may then try to say that I was the one who raped her, and I've been led to believe that Indiana is more often in favor of women if this became a "he said, she said" thing. And then I also think about how this will affect other people including my own relationship and my working relationship with my coworker and how the double standards that I suspect exists, may turn out worse for me. I've been asking myself what I stand to gain, and I can't see what I could gain other than knowing that she has to face consequences for her decision, but I fear that I'd also have to face some social consequences for taking that step and that's if the legal system doesn't turn on me and buys whatever story she makes up.

I guess at this point, I just feel torn, and I feel guilty being around my coworker knowing that I orgasmed with his wife when I should have yelled at her and told her to stop immediately. I also feel anger that his wife is getting away with it if I don't do something. I keep going back and forth over what may happen and it drives me nuts. Other times I think that I should just forget about it.

[Sofi]

How you're feeling is extremely valid and unfortunately it's how many victims of sexual assault feel as well. It can be difficult to decide how to move forward in a system that doesn't always favor victims, and as you mentioned, there is often a double standard. We are not here to tell you what to do and we will respect whatever choice you make. Keep in mind filling out a police report isn't the same as pressing charges, so you can do that and not press charges if you decide not to. It's advised to file a police report as soon as possible after the incident, so that's something you could go ahead and do for now. Again, though, it's ultimately your choice.

Did you get a chance to read the article Mikky sent? Here is it again, just in case. It has a lot of very useful information in there. Let me know if you have specific questions from it.

Regarding the guilt, again, it's valid and common to feel this way. But remember it isn't your fault it happened or went on for as long as it did - you were not only drunk and half asleep, but also in shock and confused. Also keep in mind our bodies don't always physically react the same way our minds are feeling. If you're ever heard of arousal non-concordance, that's what happened here. Just like we can be mentally aroused but our body just isn't responding the same way, it is also possible and often happens that our body can get aroused and even orgasm despite us not feeling turned on mentally or in cases like this, not even consenting or wanting it to happen. So you finishing doesn't mean you wanted it, consented to it, or did anything bad. It is just how your body reacted to the physical sensations, and it can be very confusing both in the moment and afterwards, so I understand you're struggling to process it.

I want to pause and ask how you're feeling about all this and if you have any questions about any of it, as well as how we can best support you right now? I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information, but want you to know what happened is not your fault and while feeling guilty is understandable, there's nothing to feel guilty for, you were the victim in this situation.