Oral

[graciekitty]

Is it normal to not feel anything during oral? Every-time my boyfriend tries to preform oral on me it never feels good.

[Heather]

Not feeling anything and things not feeling good are really different. I'm going to assume you mean the latter not the former.

There's no "normal" when it comes to what people like sexually, either in general, or with a specific partner. Instead, there is a TON of diversity. Plenty of people don't like receptive oral sex, period. Some people don't like it with one partner, but will or have with another. Some like it when it's done in particular ways they like but don't like it when it isn't.

But what we like with a partner also is something that will have a lot to do with how much -- or how little -- we are communicating with each other. If we aren't telling each other what feels good or doesn't as we experiment with any given kind of sex, it's often pretty hard for people to arrive at sex they really like together. How have you and your boyfriend been experimenting with this? Have you been communicating throughout? Trying a range of things? Or has this been more silent without sharing things with each other as you go, without him asking how things feel and you telling him?

[graciekitty]

We have been experimenting with it for about 6 months now. I try to communicate but we are each-others first sexual partner so its hard to explain properly to him to get him to understand. Im not sure how to know what other things to do or have him do because we have no experience. Im not sure what other things to try or find what i like.

[Becky]

Hi Gracie!

What kind of things have you tried to communicate to your partner so far? What do you think would make the experience more pleasurable for you? Maybe we can work through how to communicate what you want in a way that helps him understand more.

[graciekitty]

Hello! We've tried to read articles and do what they recommend and thats how we usually try to experiment! Im not sure what id like because i haven't had any experience before.

[Becky]

That's a really great place to start!

It makes sense that you would not know for now and it's totally okay too! Learning what we like and don't like sexually comes with time and experience. Are you otherwise enjoying having sex and experimenting with your boyfriend? Does it feel fun and safe?

[graciekitty]

I feel fun and safe, but sex in general isn't enjoyable. It can feel good sometimes but i can never achieve orgasm. Im not sure if maybe its just me or maybe because both of us are inexperienced in this! Do you have any advice on how to figure out what i like and how to express it to my partner ?

[mikky]

Hi graciekitty,
I'm going to start off with two articles I like about orgasms:
When the Big O is a No-Show
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
I think that understanding orgasms can help us put them into perspective: a small (but important) piece of part of a larger mosaic of pleasure. A lot of the rest of that mosaic is things like feeling safe, fun, connected, curious....
One of the best ways to identify what you like is to explore by yourself. While sometimes what we do solo is not what we want to do with a partner, it can help us learn what types of sensations we like. For example, maybe you learn that you have sensitive spots other places on your body, or that you like pressure, etc. Is that already something you've explored?

Another great way to facilitate communication on what feels good is having shared vocabulary. Are you and your partner both familiar with your sexual anatomies? Imagine trying to explain how to bake a cake to a friend over the phone. Things would probably turn out best using terms like "stir the batter until no clumps of flour remain" than "powder is bad, make it all wet together."

And I'm going to put one more article here, my very favorite: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. Talking about sex can be hard, and having some tools for it helps a lot.

[graciekitty]

Me and my boyfriend are both somewhat familiar with our sexual anatomy's but im not sure if we know it all! I have tried to explore pressure and sensitivity but its hard for me to explain to my partner how to do it cause my body tends to just know what to do already.

[graciekitty]

We have been experimenting with it for about 6 months now. I try to communicate but we are each-others first sexual partner so its hard to explain properly to him to get him to understand. Im not sure how to know what other things to do or have him do because we have no experience. Im not sure what other things to try or find what i like.

[Anya]

Hi graciekitty,

It's fantastic that you seems to feel comfortable enough with your partner to try new things together. I think that communication can often seem so scary because of we are taught to separate the verbal communication and body language, making it seem like we have to know all the words for what we want before we can tell anyone about it. This situation seems like a natural place for some body langauge to possibly come into play instead of only talking. Talking is super helpful much of the time, but it's true that sometimes it can be not only awkward, but maybe we dont even know what we want, so how in the world would we communicate about something we dont know! Right?

Experimentation and exploration together can ease you into trying new things, and realizing what does feel good, or not so good. This can start maybe by explaining to your partner that you want to continue to try new stuff and see how things feel. Then, when you feel things that you like, expressing that by relaxing your body, smiling, breathing more heavily, or other things like this can signal to your partner that this is a good thing to keep doing. (To be clear, forcing these things is not what I mean, they should feel natural and in response to your actual sensations). It's then up to him to actively listen for these more subtle signals.

Taking your time is also key, it often takes our bodies some time to become actually aroused, so the first 10 mins might feel like nothing until you reach some sensations that are enjoyable, and that's totally okay! You can also start by engaging in mutal masturbation or something that involves you only engaging with your own body, the way you would if you were alone, until you feel ready to engage with each other. Does this make sense?