can’t start doing anything even though i want to

[PomPom]

so. i’m 17. i’m in college, studying project design, also studying fashion design for myself. and i love it. i love most of my classes, i enjoy doing 70% of my assignments, i 1000% love fashion design even when its tough or doesn’t go like i planned but i just can’t force myself to do it. i can’t start sketching my ideas, even though i have some, i can’t start doing my assignments as they just pile and pile up. i’m not depressed, i just can’t force myself to start it. when i come home i’m very tired and i just go to sleep, jerk off and then watch something or scroll through tik tok. i don’t know. and then i start doing it when it’s night time and i get like 5-6 hours of sleep at best. and then cycle repeats.

i guess doing my assignments or doing my sketches makes me feel miserable. all of my friends are so good, that i don’t want to start. my teachers always praises me, telling that i’m doing a good job and that i’m always trying my best, but i keep seeing flaws. and i know that my other classmates doing the same thing and it’s embarrassing when she’s praising me specifically. i can’t start sketching my ideas for my collection because i know they’ll be bad, but i can’t start sewing without them. hell i can’t even pick up a theme for collection because i’m afraid it’s gonna be too immature. being friends with talented people is a struggle. i can’t imagine myself in a relationship with a person from my own professional field, i would just end myself and my career right there.

recently i had a fight with my friend. we both love fashion design, and we both go to the same teacher, take the same classes in the same group, third year already. he’s very good at drawing, his artwork is breathtaking, he also knows a lot about fashion, trends, while i can’t force myself to watch fashion shows it’s makes me feel dread. but at the same time he can’t sew, because he doesn’t even try, our teacher helps him with every little step (like pulling the thread through the needle) so when he was interrupting my talk with my teacher about my ideas i told him that’s it’s stupid and he’s helpless, he got angry and told me that i’m talentless and that i should’ve learned how to draw before coming here. i know that he was just angry and he was playing on my weak spots but it got me more than i wanna to admit. i don’t want to do anything and i dont know how to make myself do more, to not spend my days laying in my bed. i know i’ll do it all eventually but i’m gonna lose a lot of time and i just want to do a lot and do it well, but i can’t focus on my assignments, and i can’t start them.

[char]

Hi PomPom,

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having a rough time it sounds like this fight between you and your friend has left you feeling mentally exhausted—burned out even, especially considering the two of you are studying fashion design. It is possible that your mind and body are currently "shutting down" from doing anything related to your major, even when you know and feel like you have to fulfill your academic responsibilities.

You are not alone, and we're here to support you. What kind of help would you like from us?

[PomPom]

i don’t think it left me that exhausted. i’ve always had hard time trying to start doing something, my assignments, it’s just now when i do it his words are replaying in my head. i just want some tips on how to get myself together and do something, to make this process easier. how to force myself stay focus on assignments that i don’t like and the ones that i do. how to stop being lazy. because to me answer seems like “just start” but maybe there some other tips or anything

[char]

I see, thank you for clarifying!

Before getting into what you can do, I think it can be helpful to focus on your feelings first. You mentioned that when you try to start your assignments, you're reminded of your friend's words. How do these words make you feel about yourself, and about your academic as well as your non-academic life? Acknowledging these emotions may be difficult and overwhelming at first, but it can help you wih moving forward. Would you like to give this a try?

[PomPom]

i don’t know. i’ve always felt that i was bad at art, or not good enough, but after he told me this, in front of whole group and no one told me that he was wrong was upsetting. even though my friends told me that he’s wrong to me it doesn’t matter, because they’re not doing art or they’re not as good as he is.
it makes me feel kinda worthless and helpless. it makes me feel miserable and like i’ll never get any success why would i try now. it’s makes me feel ugly and my life, even non-academic one worthless. by not doing anything i know that i just burn my time away and it makes it even worse. i guess it’s also gives me a “permission” to not do anything because there’s no point now.

[Andy]

Hi there, PomPom, nice to see you here again!

I’m sorry I have to go so I don’t have the time to reply, so I just wanted to let you know we have read you answer and someone will reply to you later.

[mikky]

Hey PomPom,
It sounds like this part of your life is a big one, and one that drives your sense of self.
In this big world, there are so many people who have so many different skills. Not being particularly skilled at one thing doesn't make us worthless or mean our life has no point.
Outside of my work here, I work at a University, and many of our arts students across disciplines struggle with similar issues. Because they LOVE their work and it underlies their sense of self, it can make them feel really frozen when it comes time to do the work. It feels like "all or nothing": either I am good at this or I am worthless. It really sucks that this is a normalized part of people's relationships with art and education. Because really, truly, it is okay to love something and also not be the best at it.

It also sounds like the opinion of this one specific person, which came out in a moment of possible defensiveness after you had commented on something they might feel insecure about, is feeling outsized or extremely important.

Could you check out this list of "Cognitive Distortions": essentially, untrue ways that we might be seeing the world? I feel like some of these could ring true for you.